the key is on my nipple ring

Finding Your Inner Kinkster September 27, 2010

I received an email from a guy asking my advice on various chastity devices. Since I have experience with two (and we’re waiting impatiently for number three) I told him what I could, for which he thanked me. He then went on to say that at the present moment, he and his wife are practicing chastity on the honor system. Her reluctance to having him wear a device stemmed from her concern that it was too kinky.

That got me thinking about the idea of “too kinky.” Where exactly is the threshold and when does one hit the limit?

If you subscribe to the Dan Savage concept of being GGG together (good, giving, game) then the threshold for “too kinky” is defined by the couple. Chastity works well in this paradigm. Person A brings up the idea. Person B says, “I’ll think about it,” and then after thinking says, “Let’s give it a try.” They try it for awhile and it either works or it doesn’t. This is actually where Ab and I are right now. We’re trying it. He has been very willing to wear a device and let me call the shots about when it comes off and when he has an orgasm. He has also set limits on how long we’ll try this game—currently at six months. Maybe it will get extended longer (right now, I am hoping so) or perhaps we’ll decide that this was fun but it’s not really for us. The point is, even if one person in the couple thinks something is weird or kinky, s/he is willing to open his/her mind to give the experience a fair shake. That’s being GGG.

I am trying to think of something where I might flat out refuse. Fetishes involving bodily discharges (semen excepted, of course) don’t really turn me on. If Ab asked me to pee on his face? I might counter with, “Exactly how am I supposed to do this? You know we have a really small bathroom and I don’t want to do this in bed.” (There’s a good way of wiggling out of something! LOL). Other discharges (I am not going to get too specific here)…I would probably say no. Thing is, I don’t think he is going to ask.

Following this train of thought, if Ab asked me to do something that involved a public display, I would probably have a hard time with that. As I said in another post, I am not an exhibitionist. If Ab said he wanted to wear a wig, make-up, and a dress and go out to dinner, I am not sure I could accede to his request. I am willing to be kinky in private but our sex lives and kinks are not necessarily things I want to share with others.  But if was really important to him, I’d try to work it through in my mind and find a way where I could say yes—or at least come up with an acceptable compromise.

Thinking about this also made me realize: many—most—kinks easily hidden. Even though Ab is wearing a CB and I have the key on my nipple ring, no one outside of us will ever see or know that (of course, my thousands of readers are privy to this private bit of our lives. 😉 ). Yes, a trip to the emergency room might blow our cover (as I mused here) but in that rare instance, chastity is probably going to be the last thing on our minds.

A man who likes to wear lacy panties under his business attire (I suspect this is actually quite common), a woman who likes to wear men’s BVDs—who is ever going to see this, or care? No one. What are kinks that might be visible? Hitting a person to the point that you leave evidence, such as a black eye? (Is that a kink, or abuse?) Fetishes involving hair or nails, both of which take time to grow? Make-up is easy to put on and wash off, as are clothes. Piercings, body modifications? Again, easily hidden. For certain body mods, I think they veer into obsessions, not kinks. See the The Lizardman for an example of this.

Going back to my original email, he said his wife was wondering if it is “too kinky.” I suppose, for a lot of very vanilla people, chastity is kinky. I don’t see it that way—as Sarah Jameson says, it is a gateway kink—but I have come to realize that I have a kinky streak that is a mile wide so I might not be the best judge of what other women are thinking and feeling.

But, maybe it’s not a GGG issue. Maybe it’s a “good girl” issue or “if someone knew I was doing this…” (which seems to be intimately tied up with being a good girl).

I’ve already established that chastity is a private kink. No one, outside of you and your husband/partner needs to know nor is there any way they will easily find out. Bringing up sexual topics in casual conversation with friends or acquaintances just doesn’t happen—at least in my experience (maybe I need new friends!). And if it does come up, then there is probably a reason for the interest. So instead of worrying about being judged negatively, think about being judged positively. “You’re doing what? Oh fuck, I wish I was brave enough to try that…”

Of course, the “good girls” will never be able to see it positively and that will, unfortunately, bring out your inner good girl who in turn, tell you what you are doing is wrong. But it’s not. Women need to learn how to banish their inner good girl—or at least the one who rules the sex roost.

It’s the Madonna/whore conundrum. Men want whores but they marry Madonnas (and no, I don’t mean the singer!). But once you’re married, it’s okay to let loose. And I think, husbands want this. They want their wife to be their beloved life partner and their sexual fantasy. Women, unfortunately, repress those fantasies. That is the reason that for the vast majority of couples who are exploring chastity, it was originally the man’s idea. That statement is probably true for a whole lot of other kinks, too. Men want it, women say no. But the thing is, ladies, if we want to be sexually adventurous, if we want to keep a marriage interesting and sustainable for the long-term, we need to find the kinkster who lives inside.

I started finding my inner kink about three weeks after our wedding. I have a very clear memory of doing some really fun stuff with a wine bottle. 😉  Of course, the next morning, the good girl came out and lectured me. This was the pattern for a long time: try something, feel guilty, retreat until the next time that kinky Dev reasserted herself. It took a long time—years—before I could finally accept that I like sex with a decided edge to it. Now I know I am constantly looking for the next edge. Thus, chastity.

So…my email friend…show this post to your wife. Tell her it gave me some good food for thought and I enjoyed thinking this through in my mind. Have her sit down at the computer with you and look at the CB devices and the ones from Mature Metal, along with any other sites you have bookmarked. Tell her they’ll arrive in a plain brown box…the postman won’t know what he’s delivering (besides, he could care less). Tell her that this is important for you and she’ll enjoy the outcome.

Tell her that being kinky is okay. Because…it really is.

Good luck and report back.

Dev