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Sunday Morning Housekeeping November 28, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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In honor of my 100th post and three month anniversary, I’ve done a little housekeeping and tidying up to the blog. I’ve added some widgets to the sidebar, including a link to Keyheld: Chastity Resources for Lovers, a search box, and stats for the blog.

I’ve also added a link for a new gallery I started, featuring a good looking men engaged in a variety of activities. I’ve had pictures forever in my Photobucket, but that’s not really an album that anyone can browse, so I thought I’d make some of my favorites a little bit more accessible for  like-minded folks. I can also include racier pictures than Photobucket allows. I don’t think I’ll go all the way to X-rated but this is definitely R or NC-17. Feel free to drop in and enjoy. I haven’t figured out a way for people to leave comments, but you can always send me an email letting me know what you appreciate and what you want to see more of.

As I move into the next phase of this blog and chastity, I am reaching out to you to ask what you like, don’t like, want more of and so on. Glancing over the past few months, I’ve noticed:

  • I tend to write lengthy blog posts, averaging in the neighborhood of 1000 words each. Is this too long? Should I break things up into shorter, easier-to-digest bites? Or do you like my long discourses on this, that and the other thing?
  • Types of posts tend to be my musings but I have included a few book reviews, reviews of other things (devices, underwear), one poll, and a few fun posts (greeting cards, pictures). Is there anything in particular that you like that you would like to see more of? Anything that was a total flop?
  • Overall layout: I am quite fond of the design I selected and would rather not change it but I know that for some people, the grey font on black background can be hard to read. Yay/nay on the layout and design? Any links you’d like on the sidebar?

I don’t have an exact metric for successful, but overall I believe this blog is a success. Quantitative measures include:

  • 105 posts
  • 13 subscribers
  • ~600 to 800 views/day

Qualitative feedback, usually via email, is all positive. I really appreciate comments and emails—it helps me to know the hard work is worth it.

Thanks everyone for your support. Please let me know what else I can do or what you would like to see. My goal is to make this a very useful resource for folks looking for information on chastity and living a chaste life, from a real-world couple perspective.


A Little Orgasm November 27, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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Ab had an orgasm yesterday (Friday) morning. It wasn’t planned but it wasn’t entirely unexpected, at least for me. I sort of figured that when we hit the “100 Days of Chastity” anniversary (which occurred on Tuesday) that an orgasm was imminent. When the time seemed to be right, I’d let him go. Yesterday turned out to be the day.

Part of my thinking about not having a specific date was to not repeat the problem from last month of over-hyped expectations. I figured we’d keep it low-key, which we did, and it turned out to be perfectly fine event. Ab had a nice erection (more evidence that that problem is solved). He used the vibrator on me first then finished off the job with Little Ab. It was quite pleasant. If I don’t sound terribly enthusiastic, it is only because I have the lingering remnants of the worst cold in the world hanging around in my body. I am still only at about 80% functioning so all my pleasure centers are a little bit dimmed. It was only two days ago that I started tasting food again.

Ab is still out of his device and demonstrating some of that post-orgasmic feistiness that I don’t particularly care for. I expected him to lock up after his shower yesterday but he didn’t. In fact, it’s Saturday morning and he is off at work for a few hours—unlocked. Now, to be fair, we do have some extenuating circumstances, including the holiday, a houseful of young people, crazy schedules and worst of all: he seems to have caught my cold. I know I should cut him some slack on being locked up. Still, I do get anxious when his device is in my underwear drawer and not on his cock where it belongs.

Why do I get anxious? Don’t I trust him on the honor system? Actually, I do, especially now that he’s had an orgasm. Going off and masturbating is not my worry at this moment—in fact, I know that activity is a very remote possibility right now. The issue is that I like him being locked up. Wearing a device is very symbolic to me, which I have mentioned before. Like a wedding ring, it’s visible evidence of our chaste lives. I had the key on my nipple ring (which I am missing right now). It hasn’t been on my nipple ring for a few weeks, since we came to our key-access agreement. For that reason, I have been thinking about a tattoo, but I haven’t completely made up my mind. That aside, I’m happier and more settled when Ab is wearing his Jailbird or Watchful Mistress. I hope he puts it on this afternoon after his shower.

Either way, I figure that for this weekend, I am not going to make a fuss. Things will get back to normal in a few days. Hopefully he won’t be hit with the same virulent strain of this cold that I was and won’t be knocked quite as low as me (10 days and counting for me right now). I am looking forward to getting back to being locked, teasing, and spanking. In other words, the new normal.

* * * * *

Just another reminder of the new blog: Keyheld: Chastity Resources for Lovers. Tom Allen has done a great job pulling this together in just a few days. I find it very convenient to look and see which blogs have updated in the past 24 hours or so. He also has a list of other resources that should be useful for folks interested in chastity—whether newcomers or seasoned hands. If you have a blog and would like to be added to the list, go to the “About Us” page and send Tom a message. He’ll sign you right up. If you have suggestions for other resources, let Tom know that too. Thanks in advance for your support and help!

The Day After Thanksgiving… November 26, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.

and I don’t have a whole lot of energy for writing a long post. But I have found a fun cartoon and I thought I’d share. Enjoy and have a great Friday evening…

Dev on the left?

Happy Thanksgiving from the Devoted Lover Household November 25, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: , , , ,

Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends and readers—even those outside the US. A day to give thanks is a good thing.

For a long time, I was very ambivalent about Thanksgiving. I wasn’t really crazy about the food and I felt like it was the final “throwing open the gates” of the holiday hoopla that ensues in December. Eating dinner in the middle of the day always makes me feel weird and face it—I’ve experienced enough angst at the holiday table over the years to make me want to wash my hands of the whole damn thing, forever.

But a few years ago, I realized that Thanksgiving, like July 4th and Labor Day, is one of our “pure” holidays. It’s celebrated on its real day (although it was on a moving Thursday back during World War II). It’s not hooked to a religious event that is now being toned down or multi-culturized. It is a day that exists for one reason only: to pause and give thanks. To reflect on things that we are grateful for and to acknowledge those we love. In a world that has gotten far too busy and complex, it is good to have a day that forces us to slow down and take a break.

Today, this is how I’ll be taking a break and giving thanks: writing a blog post; watching the Macy’s Parade; making creamed onions for dinner; eating some waffles with the family; glancing at the Detroit Lions vs. Patriots game; heading over to Mom’s for the family get-together; spending lots of time with my children; maybe watching a movie or something in the evening and last but not least, having some quality naked playtime with my chaste husband. Could anyone ask for a nicer day?

To everyone out there: have a wonderful day!

* * * * *

Update from Ab: for this morning’s dog walk he put a sock over his cage, per the suggestion of several commenters on this post. Worked great, he said. No cold nuts. Thanks, everyone, for the good advice!

* * * * *

My son, L, and his girlfriend, J, arrived home for the holiday last evening. Imagine my surprise when I saw, hanging around J’s neck, a great big skeleton key on a chain! I finally asked her what it was for. “Everyone asks me that,” she said. “It’s a great conversation piece.” Turns out she got it at the Salvation Army. “I tell people it’s the key to L’s heart.” Or cock! If only she knew…LOL

* * * * *

Tom Allen is taking the lead to create Keyheld: Chastity Resources for Lovers. This is an aggregate of blogs that focus on male chastity and orgasm denial as well as other resources. Think of it as a “go to” place to link to lots of useful stuff. That’s the plan, at least. LOL. If you are a blogger with a focus on chastity and would like to be included head on over to the Chastity Forum and leave a message in this thread. Tom will sign you right up.

Dev Puts on Her Advice Hat November 24, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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Yesterday, I received this comment in response to one of my blog posts:

You have no idea how jealous some of us out here are. My wife and I lead a chaste lifestyle. We have done so for nearly 5 years. At one time, I’ve gone over a year without orgasm.

At this point, we agree completely – no more conventional sex. She likes me to pleasure her. And I like to pleasure her. We don’t ever want to do anything else. We’re pretty set on her having all the orgasms from now on. I’m totally happy with that, and she is totally happy with that.

There’s just one problem – she wants nothing to do with a chastity device. I’ve tried them – two actually. First, the Birdlocked, then a MM Pet Trap. The first was more of a toy. The second, I found it completely amazing to wear. I did not want to take it off – ever. The fit was not perfect, but this could have been worked around.

However, my wife’s objections could not. She didn’t like it, thought it was too weird and never wanted to see it again. This from a woman who has accepted and led a chaste lifestyle, at my suggestion, for years. I’ve been very good about being honest and not ‘cheating’ at this game, but not perfect. I felt a device could help me. She did not, she wants me to stay chaste purely through self control.

Needless to say, this is difficult! Yes, I absolutely love being chaste, going without orgasm for months and staying completely devoted to her… but give me a bad day with stress at work and a fight with her, and my resolve may fail. These are the times I wish I could be kept in chastity by her.

Not to mention, wearing a chastity device FEELS GOOD! Especially good when I pleasure her. I’ve tried it a few times, despite her objection, and found it fun and pleasant. Not always 100% comfortable, but like I said, the fit is not perfect.

Still, she has no interest in either short-term or long term devices. I’m not submissive, more dominant and leading, in fact, and so since it was my idea to try this lifestyle to begin with, she wants to hold me to my word.

It’s very frustrating for me to have her to dismiss this as a fetish/fantasy, yet unconditionally accept the chaste lifestyle, and based on what I’ve read from other men who have gone to the trouble to introduce this to their spouses, it’s not uncommon.

To have a woman lead her partner into this to begin with is an unimaginably, ridiculous stroke of good luck. I totally think any couple would benefit from a chaste lifestyle if only they were open-minded enough to accept it.

I was not even open at first. I read about the benefits of this, did not believe it, but for some reason, wanted to try it anyway, but this is a whole other story…

I have been thinking about this comment for the past 24 hours. The poster, Dave, did not ask for my advice but I am going to give some:


You say that we are incredibly lucky and people out there are jealous…you know who is incredibly lucky? Your wife. I mean, seriously. Talk about being in the driver’s seat, having her cake, and eating it too! This woman has it all.

And from where I sit, it looks like you are asking for a slice of cake and she’s not even giving you a few crumbs. Time to stop being the baker and hang up your oven mitts—at least until she’s willing to meet you halfway.

Seriously, I can understand where you are coming from. You were the one who introduced chastity to her, even with some reluctance on your part (“…did not believe it,”) but she was willing to give it a go. As the “introducing partner” I know the feeling of worrying that my spouse will suddenly say, “This has been fun, but I’m not interested anymore.” I feel an obligation to keep the interest up and keep him engaged so that he’ll want to wear his device and live this chaste life with me. We are partners, after all, and a married couple. He’s not a slave or a victim. He has the right to opt out. Since I have gotten to the point that I don’t want him to opt out, I am highly invested in keeping the “game” going.

Sounds like you are doing the same thing.

But Dave, really…we’ve been at this three months. You’ve been at it five years. You write: At this point, we agree completely – no more conventional sex. So, it sounds like the opt out issue is not a major concern of yours right now.

But wearing a device is and that’s a goal you want to achieve. From the sound of your letter, she’s not willing to meet you halfway. And realistically, why should she? Like I said above, she has it all. What incentive does she have to let you wear a device? None, that I can see. She hates the thing and thinks it is ugly. Meanwhile, things are going just swimmingly, from her orgasm and life perspective, so why should she rock the boat?

Thus I think you need to do a little boat rocking.

I’ve quoted GGG from Dan Savage before: good, giving, game. It’s an important principle. She was GGG when you brought up chastity five years ago. She was willing to give it a try, even if she didn’t fully understand why you were asking. But she could tell it was important to you and open minded about the concept. That’s GGG.

Then, here you are, five years later and you two are fully invested in the lifestyle. Chastity has become the new normal for the two of you. It’s not something you are trying or experimenting with. It just is. And according to what you write, it will likely be for many years to come, if not forever.

Now, you are asking her to be GGG again. You want to wear a chastity device. She refuses to let you or to consider its usage in your relationship. You have explained why it is important to you: it would help you be honest, it would help you not cheat. Stressful days take their toll and your resolve can be weak. Secondarily, you want a device because it feels good on you and heightens your pleasure when you are pleasuring her.

I am assuming you have explained all these reasons to her—many times. And yet, she still says no.

Well then, it seems like it is time to take her candy away, at least until she’s willing to sit down and work out a compromise. Because really, if it’s important to you then it should be important to her to meet your needs. She needs to be GGG. If that’s impossible, then you have to ask if chastity is really the best thing for both of you. Since she’s been GGG before, I would hope that she could find her way to do so again.

She doesn’t have to immediately agree to device usage 24/7. You may never get to that point—and that may not even be a goal. But there are steps you can take: wearing the device for a portion of the day, at your discretion; you keep control of the key; you do not expect her to play with/touch the device; you do not wear the device when you are making love. These seem to be a starting point for discussion and negotiation. Eventually you can both find a middle ground that is comfortable for both of you.

However, until she is willing to be open and discuss, maybe you need to tell her that for the moment, the bakery is closed.

Like I said above, you didn’t ask for my advice, so please feel free to completely ignore this post. But your comment did get me thinking and I wanted to share my thoughts.


Baby, It’s Cold Outside November 22, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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This may seem like a silly question but it came up in the Devoted Lover household so I thought I would throw it out there for advice and opinions.

Ab got up early to walk the dog yesterday and it was quite chilly—about 20° F. He was wearing his Watchful Mistress, one of his silk thongs, and jeans. He told me afterwards that he had an interesting reaction. The metal device got nice and cold, nice and fast. He said normally when a man is out in the cold his balls would contract up against his body. But because of the ring of the device, they were prevented from doing so. So he had the combination of very cold nuts and very cold device which wasn’t particularly comfortable.

I laughed and said we’d have to get him some fur-lined underpants. I actually searched online and found a fleece thong, but that looked more like a novelty item as opposed to something designed to keep you warm.

Have any other metal device wearing men faced this problem? What is your solution? It’s not cold enough yet to pull out the flannel-lined jeans and except for this one specific portion of his anatomy, he was warm and comfortable. He just didn’t like having a freezing cold cock.

Comments and suggestions are welcome.

* * * * *

Earlier Prototypes, not so successful

Update from the Humbler research lab: We continue to do prototype testing on the custom “from the woods of Maine” Humbler. Ab brought the first prototype home which didn’t work—the opening was too big and the device was the wrong shape. A gracious reader sent me some measurements for the opening so we went through two more prototype models which didn’t work at all. Just look at the picture. Was was the woodworker thinking? LOL. But he brought home the latest version yesterday, pictured below. I have a terrible cold and have been feeling lousy so I went to bed early last night, thus we were not able to do any testing for fit or comfort. Hopefully tonight we’ll have a few minutes to play with it. I’ll report back. I do like the look of it, however. And now that I have discovered spanking, my mind reels with possibilities. <evil grin>

Current version, number 4

* * * * *

This is my one hundredth post on the blog and tomorrow is one hundred days of chastity for Ab and me. Two milestones! Who knew back in August when we started that this is where we’d be in November. Some immediate thoughts that come to mind:

  • The benefits that many ascribe to chastity, ie, being more helpful around the house and so on—that hasn’t really changed. Ab was doing all that stuff to begin with so what more could he take on?
  • What has changed is the way I think about sex. I think Ab would agree with this, too. Chastity has helped us to become much more inventive and creative. Face it, when you take intercourse off the table, you’ve got to find other things to do. We’ve been having lots of fun with the other things.
  • Communication has definitely improved. I’ve talked about this a lot in this blog and related how we have a very challenging time earlier this year. I think chastity has been important to help us find some closure related to the problems we were having, as well as grow and move forward as a couple.
  • I’ve spent a bunch of money on devices, toys, clothing, and so on. More than I expected but I am not complaining. As they say in the MasterCard ad, the value to our relationship? Priceless!
  • I’ve made new friends, people I enjoy conversing with here in the blog, on the Chastity Forum, and in email. Thanks to all who take the time to write and talk to me. I enjoy our interactions.

I had envisioned doing a big celebratory post for the 100/100 milestone but nothing is really coming to mind. Which is probably the way it should be, right? Chastity is just part of our lives. We are a chaste couple, as I like to say. That’s it, pure and simple.

And that’s very good.

A Spanking Surprise November 21, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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The other night, Ab and I spent an hour or so surfing various blogs. I have gotten to the point where I have realized that I have absolutely no “bullshit filter” for figuring out which blogs are total fantasy fabrications, which are semi-real, and which are really real. Ab graciously agreed to look at a few with me and give me his opinion on each one.

“Fake, fake, fake,” he said, and then we got to this one: A Spanking Marriage. “This one looks real,” Ab said, and I agreed.

I had found this blog earlier in the day, through a series of links from someone who had been looking at my blog. I had actually found it very interesting because the story the woman told—her journey to discovering spanking with her husband—was very similar to many chastity stories I have read. Substitute “chastity” for “spanking” and they could be interchangeable: middle-aged couple; spark has gone out of their love life; wife discovers that her husband likes to look at porn on the Internet and masturbate in front of his computer; this behavior is having a negative impact on their sex life. His kink is spanking. She’s vanilla but decides that her marriage is important enough to try to accommodate his desires into their sex life. And when she does, she finds that she gets into it and off on it more than she ever expected. Sound familiar?

As Ab read through the entries he gave me a shy look. “You know, this is sort of hot,” he said.

“Spanking?” I replied, slightly incredulous.

“Yeah,” he nodded, looking embarrassed.

This took me back a bit. Ab has never seemed to be into pain. If I tweak his nipples he yelps. The other night I was patting—not even slapping!—his balls and he loudly proclaimed, “Ouch! That hurts! And not in a good way!” But he’d be into being spanked?

Then I thought back to a few months ago—right around the time that I had ordered Ab his new thongs. We were fooling around in the kitchen (yes, always the kitchen, LOL) and I grabbed a spatula out of the utensil drawer. I used it on his bottom and got it to redden up nice and quick and he seemed to enjoy that. Then I remembered a comment I wrote about the Humbler the other day, in response to a question from Atone:

So do you have plans on what you are going to do once you get Ab locked in the humbler?

And I replied:

Once the humbler is on, I think I’d like to make his butt glow red. Likes2blocked tells me I should invest in a jumping bat. That’s an intriguing idea, don’t you think?

I also recalled that likes2blocked told me he is getting paddled on a regular basis by his wife.

I suddenly realized I was at one of those “make it or break it” moments. For the past three months, Ab has been indulging my kink (as everyone knows, I am the one who brought up chastity) and now he is quietly confessing to me a fantasy of his: spanking. How long has he had this in his mind? I have no idea. At least since September when I swatted him with the spatula. Maybe longer. When we have a chance to talk about it, you can be sure that will be one of my questions.

So, now that he has revealed this to me, I figure it is time for me to pony up and indulge his kink. Thus, I have spent some time today looking at various spanking websites—and there are plenty! From what I can gather, spanking is a very specific fetish for some people. They want to be spanked but that is the extent of their pain play. No nipple clamps, no thrashing on the upper back—butt only or maybe butt and thighs. That’s it. It seems that, given the limited information that I have at this moment, Ab would fall into this category. It also seems that while there are plenty of “equal opportunity” spanking couples, there are many where there is an exclusive spanker and spankee, which, right now is what I am thinking will happen in the Devoted Lover household but who knows? Keep an open mind is my motto.

A prototype batten

Since I am not ready to start spending a whole lot of money on spanking gear (and besides, I think the spanking is going to start pronto, before I have time for UPS to arrive) I decided to do an inventory of found items in the house. We have: a variety of wooden spoons, stirrers, and mixers; the aforementioned spatula, which is metal; a rice paddle, which I understand can be quite stinging; assorted belts; a yardstick; a metal ruler; and a wooden hairbrush. That should be enough to get us through a session or two, I thought. Then, I was standing in the bedroom and my eyes drifted down to the pile of toys in the bag next to the bed. I saw the item pictured above which I believe would be called a “batten.” Ab made it for me/us right after the spatula session in September.

Sometimes I can be so clueless.

As always, tips, tricks, and techniques on spanking are welcome in the comments.

The Cost of Sex November 20, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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Mikecb has a new blog and he had an interesting post the other day on the cost of chastity. He estimated the cost of chastity (based on buying devices) at $540/year or ~$10/week. I think his estimate was actually on the high side because he added a $2000 Neosteel belt to his calculations. Even so, his point is well taken: compared to motorcycles, RVs, ATVs, or golf clubs, chastity is a bargain.

It’s not just chastity, though. Sex itself can be pretty inexpensive. In fact, for years, the only money Ab and I spent on sex was the cost of my prescription for birth control pills (back in the day when I was taking OCPs). Any toys we played with were found objects such as spatulas, chocolate syrup, or whipped cream. The thought of going out and buying something never entered our heads. In fact, I am not sure we even knew there were things you could buy! This was in the pre-Internet days, remember. People didn’t have a world of information at their fingertips like we do now.

The first thing we ever bought—and it wasn’t even purchased as a sex toy—was a little mini-vibrator from Brookstone. It was advertised as a “personal vibrator” and you were supposed to use it on your neck (yeah, right!). They sold them at the cash register and for Ab it was a total impulse purchase.

We quickly discovered that the neck massaging was so-so but on my clit? Oh-la-la! This was when we were still in the “let’s figure out the best way to make Dev have an orgasm” phase of our lives and this little vibrator turned out to be a godsend. Unfortunately, we worked it a little harder than it was rated for and it only lasted a few months. Another trip to Brookstone, another vibrator—we did that for awhile until we realized that at $10 a pop, plus all the batteries—there had to be a cheaper and more environmentally friendly solution. That’s when the Wahl (which plugs into the wall…LOL) entered our lives.

Since then, we have bought a number of “real” or “authentic” sex toys. Even so, if you subtract the $950 we’ve spent on chastity devices, I’m not sure we’ve spent $1000 total. The njoy Pure Wand, one of my favorite things, seemed like a huge extravagance when we bought that for $100—but 24 ounces of surgical stainless steel—that thing will last forever. Ab can put it in my hand when they bury me, or maybe I’ll will it to my children. Factored over the years that we’ve owned it (and will own it), cost per use will probably get down to a penny or so. It’s definitely worth the money!

A million years ago, when I was young and promiscuous, I used to say that sex was the perfect college activity: it was a great way to pass the time, it was fun, and it was cheap. Even now, all these years later with my beloved husband at my side, those words still ring true. Maybe sex isn’t completely no-cost anymore but it is still very affordable, at least in the Devoted Lover household.

* * * * *

I just did some back of the envelope calculating. We are at 97 days since we began our chastity journey on August 16th. Although I haven’t kept strict count, my guess is that Ab has been out of the device for about 159 hours or approximately 6.5 days. That works out that he has been locked up 93% of the time—I’d certainly say we’re getting our money’s worth for our chastity device investment! Since we started, he’s had two orgasms, one ruined orgasm, and one spurt in his CB-6000s. However, I am feeling that a release and orgasm is imminent. 100 days is a nice round number, don’t you think?

A Novelty Condom Dispenser November 19, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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I had a very colorful dream the other night which has stayed with me for several days. I won’t go into all the details, but a major feature was the presence of a “novelty condom dispenser.” I was with a very attractive young man and presumably we were going to have lots of sex, because he had ordered up two of these items. Since then, I have googled “novelty condom dispenser” and the only thing I came up with was the Halloween costume pictured at left, so maybe this is an idea whose time has come.

In the dream, the novelty condom dispenser was a plastic pyramid, about five inches tall, and colorfully decorated in a distinctly Egyptian theme (think hieroglyphics). There was a small rectangular opening on one of the faces of the pyramid and from that issued a ribbon of condoms, ready to be individually ripped off and used as the need arose. In the dream, the novelty condom dispenser pyramid was reusable. There was an opening on the bottom in which you’d insert a roll of condoms. Although my dream wasn’t specific on this point, I imagine the rolls came in 10 or 25 count lengths.

Attractive. Discreet. Functional.

Thinking about this in the days since, I think a better design would be to have the pyramid be made out of cardboard, similar to a box of tissues. The whole thing would be disposable and a little bit smaller, maybe about three inches high. When the condoms ran out, you’d just buy a new novelty condom dispenser pyramid. The advantage of this is that you could have many designs and patterns. If Egyptian hieroglyphs didn’t fit your bedroom décor, no problem! How about a floral, or a manly plaid, or a neutral pastel?

I read quite a bit of gay erotica and in those stories, the guys are always fishing through the drawer or the pockets of their jeans looking for a condom. Wouldn’t it be much nicer, and more discreet, to have a small, tastefully decorated novelty condom dispenser on the bedside table, next to the tissues and lube, ready for that moment of passion when the need arises for a bit of latex?

What do you think? Is this the next big thing in the world of condoms? Should I be contacting Durex?

As always, comments are welcome!

Chastity and Children November 17, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: , , ,

I have to give a tip o’the hat to folks such as Shane, Atone, Jnuts and Belle, and Thumper who are incorporating chastity into their lives while still having kids at home. Although part of me wishes I had discovered chastity 15 or 20 years ago, another part tells me that it came along at just the right moment in our lives. And, it was serendipitous timing that we discovered chastity literally on the eve of becoming empty-nesters. Not having any children in the house certainly makes it easier to run around naked, take pictures of Ab in his device (usually in the kitchen because it has the best light) and lately, do Humbler prototype testing (more on that in another post!). I love my children, don’t get me wrong, but there is something to be said for being able to get your private lives back, too!

For the better part of a year, people were constantly asking me, “How do you think you’ll cope as an empty-nester?” My stock answer was, “I have no idea,” because truly, I didn’t have any idea! We have two children but once they each hit their teens, our home became known as an open and welcoming safe haven for friends of theirs who were experiencing challenges of whatever type. My son had a friend, J, who more or less moved in with us his senior year in high school. It was never really discussed, it just happened, but I knew J was dealing with a horrendous family situation. If I could provide a place of solace and peace and support him to graduate, then that seemed like the right thing to do. (The good news is, five years later, J is going to college in Boston, has a terrific internship that will likely turn into a job, and a lovely girlfriend. Yes, even for straight kids, “It gets better.”) Similarly, my daughter had two different friends who bunked with us off and on, for most of her senior year. Same idea—if they needed the support to get out of high school in one piece, then I was happy to provide it.

In addition to the “boarders,” there would be the random friends who would drop by at all hours of the day and night. In the morning, I’d count the shoes by the door and learned to recognize them. “Jason must be here,” I’d tell Ab. “And Andrew and Eric. I think the little sneakers belong to Will.” For Saturday night dinners we would routinely host six or seven guests. What was it going to be like to suddenly have just the two of us keeping ourselves company?

Ab and I actually went through a very rough time last winter—probably the most difficult few months for us in all our years together. It was a combination of everything: stress, kids, work, the lousy economy, my mom, worrying about money—nothing new on that list, right? But for some reason, we ended up taking it out on each other which was very unusual for us.

Unusual, and it didn’t make us happy.

The thing is, when you’ve been married for 30+ years you sort of figure you’ll be married forever. But suddenly, when you’re fighting tooth and nail over every stupid little thing, a small thought develops in the back of your mind, “Maybe it’s time for this marriage to be over. Maybe we’ve just been hanging on for the kids. Once our daughter heads to college, maybe it’s time for us to say sayonara.”

That thought, more than the idea of being an empty-nester, terrified me. I like being married. I like the institution of marriage and believe it confers huge benefits to the couple, their children and extended families, and society in general. This is the reason I identify as a straight ally and do everything I can to support same-sex marriage: I think everyone who wants to be married should be able to be married. But what if all this was empty talk and my own marriage was headed off the rails?

I knew that Ab was worried, too, and he’s more divorce-phobic than I am (which is kind of hard to imagine, but it’s true).

Our epiphany came after an incident which prompted a huge fight—really huge—and then Ab decided to build me a porch. I took that as the ultimate apology and I knew I had to forgive him. The forgiveness came slowly but then, one blistering hot summer day, as I watched him crawl around the roof installing the roofing shingles it suddenly hit me: this man loves me more than anything on earth and would do anything for me. If I asked him to crawl bare-kneed across broken glass, he’d do it. If I asked him to…

You get the picture.

It was just a few weeks after this that I read the story that gave me my chastity fantasy. Since I was still in the mindset that he’d do anything for me, chastity didn’t seem to be such a far-out and wacky idea. Even if it was, well, maybe it gave me an idea of just how far he’d go for me. Did he say yes because it appealed to his kinky side or because he was still working on forgiveness? Probably a little bit of both, to be honest.

The thing I didn’t expect, as I ordered up The Birdcage from Extreme Restraints, is that chastity would be the thing that would make us re-fall in love and to re-find that spark of passion and desire that had burning pretty low for quite a few years. I realized just how much our lives had been consumed by our children, both biological and “adopted.” As someone said to me recently, “You have kids and your life is wrecked for twenty years.” While I don’t regret a minute of all the time we spent as parents, I realize now that focusing on “us” had moved pretty far down on the list. Now it is back in the number one space, where it belongs.

Heath Ledger giving a hat tip.

Which is why I give my hat-tip to chaste couples with children at home. I hope that chastity gives you the gift that Ab and I have discovered—the wonderfulness of love with your spouse and the importance of focusing on the two of you as a couple. That love will certainly overflow to your children and they will see and experience firsthand what it means to have loving, committed parents. What greater gift could you possibly give to them?

As for us, I am sad about all the fighting that went on last winter and wish it didn’t occur. But, hopefully, when the kids come home now, they’ll see that Ab and I are in a very good place, deeply in love and having a very good time together. The children will probably attribute it to our being alone—the empty nest thing. I won’t tell them our chastity secret. 😉