the key is on my nipple ring

Our Sexual Evolution February 7, 2011

Back in August, when we started on our chastity journey, one of the first things I did was read Sarah Jameson’s book, Be Careful What You Wish For. It’s a good book and I certainly recommend it, as I said in this review. One concept that was new to me, however, and which Sarah discussed quite a bit, was the idea of tease and denial.

I can hear you snickering now. “You didn’t know about teasing?”

Well, of course I did. The thing is, I called that foreplay. And foreplay needed to be followed by middleplay and endplay. In other words, we’d do lots of teasing but eventually we got to the main event: intercourse. I had orgasms on a somewhat inconsistent basis. For a long time Ab always did get to come but as I have related, in recent years that was a problem—one that became more apparent as we started in with chastity.

So, I had to reframe my thinking around tease and denial.

Once I discovered that Ab’s mantra, “Your pleasure is my pleasure” was true, I started getting selfish. I’d tease him and make him moan and groan, but every single sexual encounter had to end with me having an orgasm. And it was pretty great. I’d hazard a guess that I had more orgasms from September through January (five months) than I had in the previous five years.

Maybe I overdid it or got a little punch drunk from the experience, but things seem to be shifting here in February.

We’re still having lots of sex but I am realizing it’s okay for me to be teased, too. I don’t have to get all the way to orgasm. In fact, here it is, February 7^th and so far, only a nickel has gone into the orgasm glass this month. But I am still having lots of fun and getting teased and feeling all tingly and hot all over. I am not complaining about the lack of orgasms but realizing that it seems to be a shift in the way we do things in bed.

(I find I am also fantasizing a lot more about spanking Ab and getting myself really hot with that idea.)

The other day, I downloaded and read the sample of Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow by Marnia Robinson. I am not sure I am going to buy the book and read the whole thing because frankly, it seems like one of those books that has one basic idea that is repeated ad infinitum for 400+ pages. (Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá had the same problem, which is why I gave up reading that about one-third of the way in. But I digress.) Anyway, Robinson’s thesis is that what we typically engage in is procreative, that is, orgasmic sex. She advocates, instead, bonding-based sex which is non-orgasmic but still mutually satisfying. Bonding-based sex is advantageous because it alters the release of various hormones and chemicals in our bodies which in turn affects our mood. Kelmag wrote a very good synopsis of all of this on his blog which you can read here; Robinson and her husband Gary maintain a website called Reuniting where they also expound on their ideas.

Living with a mostly non-orgasmic man for the past six months, I can certainly see changes in his demeanor which may very well be the result of internal biochemical changes. The thing that is surprising to me is that I suddenly seem to be moving in the same direction—or at least okay with the idea. That’s a change that has occurred and been noticeable to me in the past week or so.

Is this a true shift or just the by-product of a long winter with a serious case of cabin fever? Who knows. Time will tell.

The thing that is interesting to me as I move through this process is that I am having a greater awareness of how different activities, such as spanking, can be intensely erotic. I didn’t completely understand that before but my mind is opening more to these experiences as part of our sexual repertoire.

Comments, as always, are welcome particularly because this is area I am still working through in my mind and I suspect I will be revisiting within the blog.