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Swinging Shenanigans in Southern Maine October 29, 2011

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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Isn't this the kinkiest place you've ever seen?

The paper has been all a-buzz this week with front page stories four days in a row–with two on Thursday–about swinger parties being held at a function hall in Sanford, Maine. Gasp! Can you imagine? Sex acts, people in the nude, doing God knows what near the food! It seems like the food was the most problematic issue, at least for some people. LOL.

Here are links to the various stories:

Sanford Orders Caterer to Stop Sex Parties at Banquet Hall (Tuesday)

Caterer Promises to Stop Sanford Sex Parties (Wednesday)

Caterer Tells Town Sex Parties Will Stop (Thursday)

Sex Parties Cause Banquet Hall Patrons to Flee (Thursday)

Fundraiser Moved Out of Sex Party Site (Friday)

Another view of the place where all kinds of kinky shit was going on!

It’s nice to know that the police and town officials are “keeping me safe” by imposing their Puritanical views on me (and everyone else) and assuming that we’d all be as appalled as they are about the notion of swinger parties behind held at night, behind closed doors, in a private venue. Guess what? I’m more appalled at their assumptions that I’d have a problem with this.

You’ve got to wonder how people’s minds work, though. Consider the following tidbit, published on Thursday.

Town officials are so concerned that residents may be offended at the prospect of voting where sex parties occurred that they are directing Ward 7 voters to cast ballots Nov. 8 at the Ward 3 polling place, at the St. Ignatius Gym on Riverside Avenue.

“Not knowing what might be present or how clean the hall might be, we moved the polling place in case anyone might be uncomfortable voting there,” said Town Clerk Sue Cote.

Seriously? Exactly what might be present? Cooties? A used condom? (Gasp!!). I imagine that the owners have a cleaning crew that comes in and knows how to wield a mop and squeegee. I would also hazard a guess that the place is more of a wreck after a wedding or raucous family reunion than it is after a swinger party.

Careful readers will note that the police and town officials fall back on their tried and true canard that it would never be the good people of Maine who would engage in such lascivious activities–of course it is folks from away, specifically Massachusetts. The police used their very best detective skills to ferret out that bit of evidence by looking at the license plates of the cars in the parking lot. They “all” were from Massachusetts. Again, seriously? Every last one? No horny kinky folks from New Hampshire? Or Maine? LOL.

Dan Savage had a very funny headline in his blog which I just had to share with you:

People Who Live In Massachusetts Are Big Fucking Sex Crazed Slut Monsters and Their Creepy Erections, Slutty Vaginas, Freaky Accents, and Parked Cars Are Totally Grossing Out the Good People of Sanford, Maine

You can read the whole thing here.

As someone said in the comments, I so hope that Jon Stewart picks this one up. 🙂

It Gets Better March 25, 2011

Posted by Dev in Musings, Reviews.
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Dan (left) and Terry (right) at the book launch in New York City

Back in September, I posted a link to a video that Dan Savage had made with his husband, Terry Miller, in which they reached out to LGBT youth with the message, “It gets better.” From that one video a movement has been born. More than 10,000 videos have been created and are now hosted on the dedicated It Gets Better website. Thousands of dollars have been raised for important causes, including GSLEN and The Trevor Project. The latest initiative in the campaign occurred on Tuesday, when the book, It Gets Better: Coming Out, Overcoming Bullying and Creating a Life Worth Living was released.

I’ve pre-ordered a few books on my Kindle before, but this was the first one I was very excited about receiving. I stayed up until midnight, turned the Whispernet on, and watched it magically download onto my device. So fucking cool!

Here’s the description of the book from Amazon:

Every story can change a life.

Growing up isn’t easy. Many young people face daily tormenting and bullying, making them feel like they have nowhere to turn. This is especially true for LGBT kids and teens who often hide their sexuality for fear of bullying. Without other openly gay adults and mentors in their lives, they can’t imagine what their future may hold. In many instances, gay and lesbian adolescents are taunted – even tortured – simply for being themselves.

After a number of tragic suicides by LGBT students who were bullied in school, syndicated columnist and author Dan Savage uploaded a video to YouTube with his partner Terry Miller to inspire hope for LGBT youth facing harassment. Speaking openly about the bullying they suffered as teenagers, and how they both went on to lead rewarding adult lives, their video launched the It Gets Better Project YouTube channel and initiated a worldwide phenomenon. With over 6,000 videos posted and over 20 million views in the first three months alone, the world has embraced the opportunity to provide personal, honest and heartfelt support for LGBT youth everywhere.

It Gets Better is a collection of expanded essays and new material from celebrities, everyday people and teens who have posted videos of encouragement, as well as new contributors who have yet to post videos to the site. While many of these teens couldn’t see a positive future for themselves, we can. We can show LGBT youth the levels of happiness, potential and positivity their lives will reach if they can just get through their teen years. By sharing these stories, It Gets Better reminds teenagers in the LGBT community that they are not alone – and it WILL get better.

In the days since the book downloaded, I’ve been reading the essays off and on, whenever I have a spare moment. I’ve watched a lot of the videos over the past six months so I am familiar with the type of stories that are told—still they pack an emotional wallop and I find I can only read a few at a time before I need to take a break. But like a hummingbird to nectar, I keep going back for more.

I’m not gay (anyone who regularly reads this blog knows that!) but I was bullied in school—sixth grade was the year from hell. So I know the pain that these authors have experienced and appreciate their honesty and candor in reaching out to young people. As the parent of a bisexual teen, I did everything I could to advocate for her, both in school and out. Fortunately, she went to a high school that was inclusive and accepting. My heart breaks (daily) thinking of children who are scared, fearful, abused, teased—many right in the environment of their very own homes—and who have done nothing wrong except be themselves. I hope they are able to find this book or the videos or both and know that the message imparted is true: it gets better.

This book and the entire It Gets Better project are important. I fully support the work that Dan and Terry are doing and the goals they are trying to achieve. I highly recommend the book; it will remain in a place of pride on the home page of my Kindle (since I don’t put books on the bookshelf anymore!). Please consider a purchase—all proceeds go to LGBT youth projects—and if you can afford it, consider purchasing a second copy to give to a friend, young person, or library. I gifted a copy to my daughter’s high school library. Won’t you join me and do the same?

A Snapshot of Sex in the US: 2010 February 19, 2011

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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A series of surveys on sexual behavior in the US were published last October in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. I am not sure how I missed this when it came out because I usually pay attention to this sort of thing. Maybe Ab and I were too busy having sex. 🙂  Anyway, I stumbled across it today through an article in Slate. If you want to read all the papers, you can download the journal here; it is available for free until December 2011. (You’ll have to answer a couple of survey questions first.)

The surveys were conducted by researchers at Indiana University. Astute readers will remember that’s where Dr. Alfred C. Kinsey, then a Professor of Zoology, became famous for his groundbreaking research on human sexuality, documented in publications in 1948 and 1953 respectively: Sexual Behavior in the Human Male and Sexual Behavior in the Human Female. Kinsey’s vision continues to this day at IU, through research conducted at the Kinsey Institute and the Center for Sexual Health Promotion. In an editorial that opens the collection, journal editor Irwin Goldstein, MD, comments:

At a time when we can have nudity on HBO but cannot use the names of our genitals on the evening news, there remains a need to continue research on sexual health.

[As an interesting aside, many consider Kinsey to be the first, pioneering researcher in the area of sexuality but two decades earlier, Ernest W. Burgess, PhD, Professor of Sociology at the University of Chicago was undertaking grounded theory research on homosexuality, primarily through participant observation at the “pansy clubs” in Chicago. Burgess’s particular expertise was on marriage and the family but his work on homosexuality was never published. It has only recently come to light from researchers who have been studying his collected papers in the University of Chicago archives.]

I skimmed the articles in JSM. Since I work in a clinic where we care for people with HIV and AIDS, I was interested in the condom surveys. My takeaway: we still need to do more to promote condom use. And, of course, I was interested in the surveys on women.

The big change from the last time this survey was undertaken (1992) is that oral sex is no longer the hot game in town—now anal sex is. Surprise! Slate has an interesting synopsis of the findings, plus speculation on why women like it so much (hint: orgasms) so I won’t repeat it here. But it did cause me to reflect on Ab and me and our enjoyment of anal sex. This has been on my mind for a few days, prompted first by a question on the Chastity Forum and then by a blog post from L&N.

If you recall from this earlier post, I said I go through phases and one of those was my Brokeback Mountain phase. That was probably the time that we started experimenting with butt sex. No, we weren’t trying to be Jack and Ennis! LOL. I was hanging out on a couple of different Brokeback forums, however, and there was lots of discussion of sex, gay and otherwise. That was the first time in my life I had ever been in a community of people who were talking about sex in very intimate and frank detail. A lot of “Brokies” were married, straight women (myself included). All this talk about butt fucking naturally led to experimentation which was reported in (sometimes excruciating) detail. Unfortunately, many of these women tried anal intercourse with their husbands à la Ennis, that is, some spit in the hand and no warming up. It was not, as you can imagine, a satisfactory experience.

Fortunately for me, I had been reading Dan Savage for a few years at that point, so I knew a bit more about what to do, which is: 1) you can’t use too much lube; 2) take it slow; and 3) start small. And if you are us, maybe stay small. Ab once confessed a fisting fetish to me and although I think the concept is hot, I don’t think, realistically, it is ever going to happen.

I was thinking back to 1992. Was oral sex the big thing for us then? Actually, that’s when our children were toddlers so at that time, sex in general was sort of rare and anything was a big deal. 🙂 But truth be told, oral had been on the sexual menu forever. Enjoyment of anal sex is newer, though, which puts us/me in line with the survey findings.

For those who might be interested in experimenting but are still a little hesitant, consider this comment from William Saletan at Slate:

Anal sex, more so than vaginal sex, seems to correlate with intimacy and commitment.

That certainly aligns with a chastity perspective. There were also comments from readers that reinforce our chastity experience: anal sex requires more time and attention to the woman, a long-drawn out period of foreplay, as it were. Men who derive pleasure from their wife’s/partner’s orgasm also commented that they were anal sex proponents. What didn’t get said was if men were willing to forego an orgasm in lieu of their partner’s pleasure. However, here in the Devoted Lover household, we know that’s the case. 🙂

Health and Hygiene Videos December 30, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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Thumper has a fun post today, with a video he made showing how he cleans his Steelheart. It was done in the style of the health and hygiene videos those of us, of a certain age, grew up with. LOL. One of my “favorites” (I use that term loosely) was Drug Addiction, made in 1951. They showed it to us in science class in 1968 and they were still showing it, six years later, when my sister was in 8th grade! It mystifies me how anyone could think this movie from the post-WWII era could be relevant to kids who were growing up with sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll. But, whatever, it gave us a good laugh. Due to the magic of the Internet, we can all go back and relive that wonderful experience–or for the youngsters among us, they can live it for the first time. Warning, this movie is 21 minutes long. You might want to pour yourself a glass of wine or a beer before you click “play.”

Drug Addiction 1951 from Encyclopedia Britannica Films

If you have time, hunt around the Prelinger Archive a bit. They have some classics including everyone’s favorite, Duck and Cover, which was selected for the 2004 National Film Registry of “culturally, historically and aesthetically significant” motion pictures. Who knew?

Another parody…this one I picked up from Dan Savage’s blog. It gave me a good chuckle!

Enjoy, everyone…

Greetings, SLOG and Savage Love Friends November 5, 2010

Posted by Dev in Correspondence, Musings.
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As I noted in my previous post, Dan Savage had a letter in this week’s column about chastity. His answer wasn’t the best but I gave him credit for bringing up the topic and providing a few useful resources. I am sure Dan has zillions of readers of which I am only one. I figure if a few zillion pairs of eyes learn a little bit more about chastity, that’s a good thing.

I left a comment and a link to the blog. I had about six unique visitors who arrived from the Savage Love site shortly after I posted my comment.

Then yesterday, Dan published a letter in SLOG (his daily blog) from another reader, LOADED, who took him to task for his less than stellar answer. LOADED said:

A husband who tells his wife he wants to be locked in a chastity cage isn’t asking in code for more orgasms, or even just for greater intimacy, he’s asking to be sexually dominated in a specific way. Considering that this is a very difficult thing for a man to request, I’ll bet money that WIFE’s husband really does have this kink.

And he continued:

Like lots of other kinks, this one is surprising to lots of folks, but is real and specific.

Dan admitted that he blew it with his answer. And then, in his corrected answer he included this comment:

Several of the folks who jumped into the comments thread to slap me around just so happen to be married men whose wives just so happen to be keeping their cocks under lock and key—and they are all, of course, blogging about their experiences. If you’re wondering what it’s like to have your cock locked up—and “your cock” here can means the cock you were born with (because you’re a guy with a cock) or the cock you’ve locked up (because you’re a keyholder who has taken complete ownership of your partner’s cock), check out these informative, compelling, and well-written blogs:


Yay, Dan and wow! Two of my favorite blogs and ME! I almost fell over in a heap. Actually, I did fall over and am now just picking myself up to say something more gracious beyond “thank you.”

Looking at the site stats, I had 99 visitors from SLOG yesterday and 103 so far today…and today is barely nine hours old. Wowza! Welcome, new friends.

Please feel free to poke around. And as a bit of introduction…I started this blog back in August when my husband and I began our exploration of male chastity. Our case is a little bit different from many in that I suggested it to him and I suggested it, not because of a long-held fantasy or desire, but because of a hot story that I read that included chastity play. I couldn’t get the story out of my mind and before I knew it, I was surfing websites and looking at various chastity devices to buy. I locked my husband up on August 16th and we’ve been having a blast since then. We’re a little bit older—in our fifties—and have been married for 32 years. Chastity has been great in that it has definitely spiced up our sex life and got us talking about lots of things—not just sex. Improved communication and improved sex? What’s not to love? And, through this blog and my participation at The Chastity Forum, I’ve made several new friends, which is also great.

So, SLOG and Savage Love visitors, welcome. I’m glad you’re here. Please feel free to leave a comment—they are always welcome.


From the Mailbag: V November 3, 2010

Posted by Dev in Correspondence.
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This wasn’t in my mailbag, it was in Dan Savage’s…he has a letter today on chastity. You can read it here. I think he gives an acceptably good answer—I’m not so sure that chaste men have more orgasms but they certainly seem to have more sex, at least from my sample of one. I am a little disappointed at the comment at the end about prostate cancer since chastity is really is not known to be a contributor to the disease, although there is lots of speculation and conjecture, but not much in the way of good science, at least that I have read. Unfortunately, people, especially those who are opposed to chastity, will read that and accept it as the Gospel truth. Oh well. But he does point to Sarah Jameson’s book as a resource and that’s helpful. And someone included a link for the Chastity Forum in the comments!

Yours truly left a comment. 🙂 In case you can’t figure it out, I am #35 (with a correction in #36. Oops!). Commenter #37 obviously thinks I am nuts. LOL.

Update to add: I am also commenter #43. Thumper is there, and Belle. It’s a fun little party…!

A Perfect Storm of Allergies October 20, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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You know how they say things come in threes. It certainly is true and I’ve lately gone through it with allergies—not mine, fortunately but still, some useful info to share on the blog.

Allergy number one was a co-worker who developed a contact dermatitis on her neck. Not too attractive and it itched like mad. One nice thing about working in healthcare is that there is usually a spare nurse practitioner or doctor who can look at things. In this case, we even had a dermatologist on hand. He looked, confirmed our working diagnosis of a contact dermatitis and ran through the litany of things that might be causing it. Any changes in products that she used? Soap? Laundry detergent? Perfume? No, no, no, but then she remembered she had purchased a new hair conditioner…designed to “make my hair shiny, but not crunchy or brittle.” The doctor thought that might be the culprit and suggested she stop using it. She was annoyed—it was expensive—but the itching was more annoying so she took his advice.

Allergy number two was a letter to Dan Savage where the guy wrote that he had always had terrible pain during anal sex, often continuing to the next day. He discovered that the culprit was the lube he was using. His Google research suggested that the irritant might be glycerin. He bought a glycerin-free lube and voilà! A brand new day. He wrote:

I feel like this is the most amazing sexual discovery of my life so far. In talking to friends who “never bottom,” this kind of irritation seems to be the common reason. Although I consider myself fairly well educated about sexual health, I’d never come across this bit of info, and I hope it helps someone!

The comments are interesting with many people mentioning other potential allergens in lube including parabens, propylene glycol, and citric acid. Latex condoms can also be a culprit and one commenter recommended polyisoprene condoms instead, such as those that can be found here.

Incident number three (not sure if it was an allergy or not) was my own beloved Ab. He had his new Jailbird and was adjusting to wearing it and wearing a metal device after a few weeks in polycarbonate. Thumper suggested System JO lubricant to keep things comfortable—he said he couldn’t live without it and uses it twice a day. I read the product description: “long lasting, fragrance and odor free.” Sounds good to me (I don’t like scented products) so I ordered up a bottle. Ab used it one day and said it stung like crazy all day long. Hmmmm…. He went back to baby powder for comfort.

Then, I read a post at Chastity Forums from Shane who was trying to get comfortable in a polycarbonate CB and having a terrible time. It burned, it itched, it caused large red welts. On his blog he wrote:

I’m trying to get to the point where I can wear the CB-6000S pretty much all time time. I only got it a month ago, and wearing it has been really tough. I’m trying to go slow, but still managed to develop some sores along the A-ring. This has happened twice already, with the last time three nights ago. I’ve not worn the device since, but this morning things seemed to have healed up, so I’m back to trying again. What I’ve found out is that the first day or so is excruciating, and then I sort of adapt. I remove it every once in awhile when it’s too much and after five days or so of almost continuous wear, it’s almost bearable. And then sores happen and I have to take it off for few days. I’m cursed with a high and tight ball sack so until it stretches, it appears I’ll just have put up with the discomfort.

I didn’t think this could possibly be normal. I knew how Ab had adjusted to the exact same device—no open sores or excruciating pain! I sent Shane an email and asked if he had considered an allergic reaction? I realized that polycarbonate is not usually an allergen but his skin reaction just seemed so dramatic I thought that something was amiss. And I was right. A few days ago he posted this:

That burning feeling is NOT normal! I’m apparently allergic to Cyclopentasiloxane, at least when used with a CB-6000. Cyclopentasiloxane is the main ingredient in both JO Premium and Swiss Navy silicon lube, and also one of the ingredients in J&J Baby Gel. I’ve used one of these three products almost since day one two months ago, and I would always get this really nasty burning feeling around the A-ring that started about 15 minutes after I put the device on, and that never completely subsided. At around the 24 hour mark, it would get to be too much and I would take the device off to discover a nice big red welt, or worse. I didn’t think it was a reaction because as soon as I took the device off, the burning went away, and well, because I’ve used silicon lube in the past for its intended application (ahem) with no ill effect.

Well! That was an interesting discovery. We have the JO with CPS (the abbreviation for cyclopentasiloxane)—I wonder if that is what bothered Ab? We haven’t used it or tried it for anything since that first day and now I am very leery. I’ve also discovered that CPS is in many hair products because of…

It’s ability to impart a wet and silky look makes it an ideal candidate in hair products, both rinse off and leave on ones. It’s particularly useful in hair conditioners because it provides a silky feel without weighing the hair down with greasy residue.

I called my co-worker, had her look at the bottle and sure enough, CPS is a main ingredient. Unfortunately, I can’t verify anything with the Dan Savage letter writer but I am curious if the culprit might have been CPS, not glycerin. Who knows?

My take-away: Read labels carefully. If a new product bothers your skin, stop using it. Don’t assume you’ll get used to it or it will get better. And watch out for CPS.

Cuckolding: It’s Not For Me September 28, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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That should not come to as much of a surprise to regular readers since I commented on this fact in one of my very first posts. However, yesterday I got to surfing around the Internet and somehow landed on a bunch of sites that had cuckold scenarios, whether fantasies, (allegedly) real, or soon-to-be real. I read the blogs, looked at the pictures and when I was done was I turned on? Not at all. In fact, if anything, I was a little depressed.

Cuckolding, even as a fantasy does nothing for me. Absolutely nothing. Part of it is my practical mind. To make it happen, I’d have to meet a man, I’d have to be attracted to him, and somehow or another, we’d have to get to the point of having sex. It all sounds like a lot of work. LOL. But more importantly, I think it has to do a lot with energy, too.

Ab has been locked up for 6 weeks and 1 day. Although he manages to keep the feelings at a manageable level, I know he’s horny and experiencing a level of sexual frustration that is completely new to him. He takes that frustration and sexual energy and turns it on me and…I love it.  Love it! I feel like he is shining a spotlight on me—I am the star on his stage, the center of his universe. I know I am the most important thing in his life.

His energy in turn fuels my energy, which is also at higher levels than I have felt in years. So, I ask myself, why would I want to take that and give it to someone else? It doesn’t make sense to me. I know, fantasies don’t all have to be rooted in reality but many of mine are. Thus, taking my sexual energy and sharing it with a man who is not my husband? It’s not erotic, it’s just…dumb.

I bring this up in case I have any reluctant wives among my readers. (Ladies, you never comment and that’s okay, but I hope you are reading and taking notes!). You don’t have Google very hard before you find that chastity discussions veer into the cuckolding issue. Even Sarah Jameson admits it is a major fantasy of hers and writes about it in her book and blog. (Sarah is very careful to say, however, that it is just that—a fantasy—and will remain that way.) But…maybe you’re like me. The idea of cuckolding makes your skin crawl and is a major turn-off. So when you read about it, especially from those who make it sound like an inevitable outcome of chastity, then it stands to reason that the whole idea of chastity becomes less enticing to you. This makes perfect sense.

But I am here to say: take it from one wife who is bucking the dominant paradigm. No cuckolding for us, no cuckolding fantasies. No third parties in our bedroom. If I want a cock in my vagina and the strap-on isn’t doing it for me, all I have to do is take out the key, unlock him, and say, “Let’s get to work, big boy.”

If you are considering chastity and if you’re nervous or uncomfortable about the cuckolding scenario, then set it as a ground rule. Make it clear that it is not something that interests or entices you and you don’t want it as part of the game. Ab will read this sometime in the next day or two, so now he knows how I feel. We’ve haven’t really talked about it (because the issue wasn’t clear in my mind) but now that I have sorted this out, I can say: no cuckold fantasies for us. Okay, sweetie? Thanks!

* * * * *

Update on the It Gets Better Project: Dan Savage is getting some good publicity and response to his project to reach out to LGBTQ youth through videos that say, “It Gets Better.” Time Magazine has a good article that you can read here. There is an interesting quote from the American Association on Suicidology:

overall figures on teen suicide rates are likely underestimated, since many premeditated deaths involving car crashes or drugs end up being ruled as accidental.

Further on in the article is a comment on the issue that concerns me:

“One of the really frustrating things to me after his death was that it wasn’t in the media. No one was outraged that this boy had basically been harassed until he couldn’t take it anymore. … It felt like no one really cared.”

So very true.

Take a few minutes to watch some of the videos. They really are very powerful. Once again, kudos to Dan and his husband Terry for spearheading this project.

Re: the graphic today. I couldn’t find anything that looked like “cuckholding” and on top of that, I didn’t really want to. LOL. So I used the nice picture of Dan and Terry from the Time article instead. Works for me!

Finding Your Inner Kinkster September 27, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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I received an email from a guy asking my advice on various chastity devices. Since I have experience with two (and we’re waiting impatiently for number three) I told him what I could, for which he thanked me. He then went on to say that at the present moment, he and his wife are practicing chastity on the honor system. Her reluctance to having him wear a device stemmed from her concern that it was too kinky.

That got me thinking about the idea of “too kinky.” Where exactly is the threshold and when does one hit the limit?

If you subscribe to the Dan Savage concept of being GGG together (good, giving, game) then the threshold for “too kinky” is defined by the couple. Chastity works well in this paradigm. Person A brings up the idea. Person B says, “I’ll think about it,” and then after thinking says, “Let’s give it a try.” They try it for awhile and it either works or it doesn’t. This is actually where Ab and I are right now. We’re trying it. He has been very willing to wear a device and let me call the shots about when it comes off and when he has an orgasm. He has also set limits on how long we’ll try this game—currently at six months. Maybe it will get extended longer (right now, I am hoping so) or perhaps we’ll decide that this was fun but it’s not really for us. The point is, even if one person in the couple thinks something is weird or kinky, s/he is willing to open his/her mind to give the experience a fair shake. That’s being GGG.

I am trying to think of something where I might flat out refuse. Fetishes involving bodily discharges (semen excepted, of course) don’t really turn me on. If Ab asked me to pee on his face? I might counter with, “Exactly how am I supposed to do this? You know we have a really small bathroom and I don’t want to do this in bed.” (There’s a good way of wiggling out of something! LOL). Other discharges (I am not going to get too specific here)…I would probably say no. Thing is, I don’t think he is going to ask.

Following this train of thought, if Ab asked me to do something that involved a public display, I would probably have a hard time with that. As I said in another post, I am not an exhibitionist. If Ab said he wanted to wear a wig, make-up, and a dress and go out to dinner, I am not sure I could accede to his request. I am willing to be kinky in private but our sex lives and kinks are not necessarily things I want to share with others.  But if was really important to him, I’d try to work it through in my mind and find a way where I could say yes—or at least come up with an acceptable compromise.

Thinking about this also made me realize: many—most—kinks easily hidden. Even though Ab is wearing a CB and I have the key on my nipple ring, no one outside of us will ever see or know that (of course, my thousands of readers are privy to this private bit of our lives. 😉 ). Yes, a trip to the emergency room might blow our cover (as I mused here) but in that rare instance, chastity is probably going to be the last thing on our minds.

A man who likes to wear lacy panties under his business attire (I suspect this is actually quite common), a woman who likes to wear men’s BVDs—who is ever going to see this, or care? No one. What are kinks that might be visible? Hitting a person to the point that you leave evidence, such as a black eye? (Is that a kink, or abuse?) Fetishes involving hair or nails, both of which take time to grow? Make-up is easy to put on and wash off, as are clothes. Piercings, body modifications? Again, easily hidden. For certain body mods, I think they veer into obsessions, not kinks. See the The Lizardman for an example of this.

Going back to my original email, he said his wife was wondering if it is “too kinky.” I suppose, for a lot of very vanilla people, chastity is kinky. I don’t see it that way—as Sarah Jameson says, it is a gateway kink—but I have come to realize that I have a kinky streak that is a mile wide so I might not be the best judge of what other women are thinking and feeling.

But, maybe it’s not a GGG issue. Maybe it’s a “good girl” issue or “if someone knew I was doing this…” (which seems to be intimately tied up with being a good girl).

I’ve already established that chastity is a private kink. No one, outside of you and your husband/partner needs to know nor is there any way they will easily find out. Bringing up sexual topics in casual conversation with friends or acquaintances just doesn’t happen—at least in my experience (maybe I need new friends!). And if it does come up, then there is probably a reason for the interest. So instead of worrying about being judged negatively, think about being judged positively. “You’re doing what? Oh fuck, I wish I was brave enough to try that…”

Of course, the “good girls” will never be able to see it positively and that will, unfortunately, bring out your inner good girl who in turn, tell you what you are doing is wrong. But it’s not. Women need to learn how to banish their inner good girl—or at least the one who rules the sex roost.

It’s the Madonna/whore conundrum. Men want whores but they marry Madonnas (and no, I don’t mean the singer!). But once you’re married, it’s okay to let loose. And I think, husbands want this. They want their wife to be their beloved life partner and their sexual fantasy. Women, unfortunately, repress those fantasies. That is the reason that for the vast majority of couples who are exploring chastity, it was originally the man’s idea. That statement is probably true for a whole lot of other kinks, too. Men want it, women say no. But the thing is, ladies, if we want to be sexually adventurous, if we want to keep a marriage interesting and sustainable for the long-term, we need to find the kinkster who lives inside.

I started finding my inner kink about three weeks after our wedding. I have a very clear memory of doing some really fun stuff with a wine bottle. 😉  Of course, the next morning, the good girl came out and lectured me. This was the pattern for a long time: try something, feel guilty, retreat until the next time that kinky Dev reasserted herself. It took a long time—years—before I could finally accept that I like sex with a decided edge to it. Now I know I am constantly looking for the next edge. Thus, chastity.

So…my email friend…show this post to your wife. Tell her it gave me some good food for thought and I enjoyed thinking this through in my mind. Have her sit down at the computer with you and look at the CB devices and the ones from Mature Metal, along with any other sites you have bookmarked. Tell her they’ll arrive in a plain brown box…the postman won’t know what he’s delivering (besides, he could care less). Tell her that this is important for you and she’ll enjoy the outcome.

Tell her that being kinky is okay. Because…it really is.

Good luck and report back.


This Post Has Nothing To Do With Chastity September 23, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings, Opinions.
Tags: , ,

I just needed to get that out there. If you read this blog only for the chastity stuff, you might want to pass this post by. On the other hand, I know that many of my readers are married couples with children, so I hope you’ll give me five minutes of your time.

Youth suicide is a major problem in the US. It is the third leading cause of death among young people ages 10-24. The trouble is, many adults don’t realize the extent of the problem because the media have taken the position of not publicizing suicides as news, because by doing so, they may encourage other young people to take their lives. Whether or not this is true is a debatable point but the unfortunate outcome is that youth suicide has become a hidden problem—and by being hidden, many people are able to pretend it doesn’t exist (or are oblivious to its existence).

From the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention:

Deaths from youth suicide are only part of the problem. More young people survive suicide attempts than actually die. A nationwide survey of youth in grades 9-12 in public and private schools in the United States (US) found that 15% of students reported seriously considering suicide, 11% reported creating a plan, and 7% reporting trying to take their own life in the 12 months preceding the survey. Each year, approximately 149,000 youth between the ages of 10 and 24 receive medical care for self-inflicted injuries at Emergency Departments across the US.

Suicide affects LGBTQ youth disproportionately and gay teens are more than four times more likely to attempt suicide than straight teens. Nine out of ten gay kids experience bullying and harassment at school. This is a particularly personal issue for me. My daughter came out to Ab and me as bisexual when she was 15. She has had many challenging years dealing with suicidal thoughts, depression, and self-harm behaviors (she was a cutter). Fortunately, with a lot of love, support, and therapy, she made it out of high school in one piece. She’s in college now—happy and loving every minute. She hasn’t had a depressive episode in over a year.

High school is a particular kind of hell that young people are forced to go through. Unfortunately, not all children are as lucky as my daughter.

Recognizing this, Dan Savage, the sex advice columnist, has launched a video project called “It Gets Better.” The purpose is to reach out to LGBTQ youth and let them know that there is a life after high school—there is a world where you won’t be bullied or harassed. When you are living in the moment, it’s hard to believe there is another kind of life; the purpose of this project is to illustrate that yes, that other life is out there waiting for you—it’s just around the corner and my daughter exists as living proof that this is true.

While is project is directed towards LGBTQ youth, I think that all kids (and parents) can benefit from watching the video and becoming aware. Like I said at the beginning, suicide is a problem for all young people as well as their parents and the other adults in their lives. While I definitely want my bisexual daughter to grow up and have a happy life with the partner of her choice, I want the same for my decidedly heterosexual son, too.

This is the video that Dan and his husband Terry, have made. You can learn more about the It Gets Better Project here.

And now we’ll return to our regularly scheduled chastity programming. 🙂

Thanks for reading,