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From the Mailbag: VI December 1, 2010

Posted by Dev in Correspondence, Musings.
Tags: , , ,

I received a great email the other day from a woman I’ll call “Leigh.” She started off by saying that reading my blog had been a wonderful experience for her—well, with an intro like that, naturally I am going to think that anything she has to say is great. LOL. Seriously, I really appreciate that she took the time to write and share her story—one that is becoming all too familiar.

Leigh explained that she and her husband have been married almost twenty years. Their children are in their late teens and pretty much independent, so Leigh and her husband have time for themselves again. Unfortunately, as she says, “the communication, feelings and love have been mediocre for some time.” She continues:

Our sex lives especially had become non existent and that is really the root of the problem. My husband simply was either not interested or couldn’t keep it up. This led to embarrassment and his pulling back. At my urging, he even went to several doctors and all could find nothing wrong. We tried Viagara (worked for awhile) but it too was a failure.

Then, a few weeks ago, she interrupted him in the shower and much to her surprise, found him masturbating with a nice erect cock. She was, in turn, stunned, embarrassed, and angry. She didn’t realize how much his masturbation habit was affecting their sex life; he had not been open about what he was doing. The more he masturbated, the more he covered up. Once again, a viscous circle.

Sound familiar? This is not the first time I’ve written about this problem!

Leigh started searching for a solution and came across male chastity. She noted that many of the blogs she read seemed to be pure fantasy: in her words “mistresses and slaves, etc.” But then she found my little scribblings and…

…your blog stood out as being from a real person with real experiences. I have read a good many of your entries (not all) and they truly make sense to me.

Thank you, Leigh!

After much discussion, Leigh and her husband purchased a CB-6000 which he is wearing now. She did note that she had some mixed feelings about chastity overall, but they were both willing to give it a try if it would help to restore the lost feelings and love. And now, just a few weeks later:

Anyway without your blog I probably would never had given this idea any serious consideration let alone actually try it. By the way our entire relationship has greatly improved in the past several weeks. We finally have some restored feeling and passion.

The last sentence is what made my day!

I have replied to Leigh privately but for other readers out there, I just wanted to make a few points.

  • I really appreciate when someone takes the time to write and share their feelings, either in an email or as a comment to a post. Thank you! For email, in particular, I know how it feels to screw your courage up and put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and share intimate details of your life. Please know that I respect what you have done and honor your bravery.  I do respond to all emails I receive—fortunately, at present, the volume is not overwhelming so I am able to do so. So please, if something is on your mind, write and share what you are thinking.
  • Leigh’s comment: “You stood out as being a real person with real experiences.” Yes, I am and every word in this blog is true. I’ve changed a few names but other than that, everything is the pure, unvarnished truth. My goal was and still is to share the experience Ab and I are having; one to document what we are going through and two, to help others. It makes my day to know that the latter goal is being achieved.
  • I continue to be amazed at just how powerful chastity is as an intervention. Whether a couple approaches it as a game to spice up their sex life or as a possible solution to a problem, such as Leigh experienced, chastity seems to have a remarkable ability to bring couples closer together, get them talking, and help restore lost passion. It surprises me that more professionals, such as sex therapists, are not discussing chastity as an approach in sex therapy. I guess we’re all just pioneers…LOL.

In my email response to Leigh, I encouraged her and her husband, if he is so inclined, to come participate at the Chastity Forum. I offer that invitation to anyone here who is reading this, too. As I say in my introduction, we’re a fun and friendly bunch of like-minded folks—people who are exploring how chastity can work in a relationship. While blogs are great for sharing information and thoughts, the forum provides a nice place for real-time discussion and interaction. Come join us!

From the Mailbag: IV October 19, 2010

Posted by Dev in Correspondence, Musings.
Tags: , , , ,

I received this terrific message from one of my email friends…

I think for us that’s the key, I make sure she is taken care of 90%-95% of the time and when it’s unlock time there is no expectations of what to expect, that it is sort of my time and my orgasm and really…when I’m done I am so happy, so in love with her, it makes it all worth it. She loves what it does for us. I am 57 she is 43, and I was like all the other males out there (I enjoyed your ED/masturbate blog). I jacked off daily, sometimes maybe twice, and when it was time for her and I to be intimate I sometimes had issues (no wonder) and went to the good doctor for Viagra. I hated the side effects. Then we got into male chastity (my idea) oh ya BCWYAF! It drove me wild! All I wanted was out of it in the beginning, I was so horny all the time but we stuck with it and it is amazing what it has done for us (for me). I do not need the pills. She said it’s harder (my cock) than it used to be and sex is just better…Dev I can’t believe more couples don’t try male chastity. My attitude and habits have changed and I love it. It sucks wearing a chastity belt everyday but as I told her, every pinch, everytime I bump it, I sit to pee I think of her and how much I love her and happy we are doing this!

I am glad to know I am not the only person who thinks there is a holistic solution to ED. Thanks for this message, my friend!

* * * * *

More from the mailbag…some ideas for fun and games…

I thought I would pass along some “fun” things to do with the Jailbird…as I am a huge fan of some bondage  my KH/GF bought some small link chain and 2 of the small Master padlocks at Home Depot and locked one of the padlocks and end of the chain to the JB cage and looped the other end around the bedpost slot and locked the chain with the other lock…took her about 1 minute and I was locked up!…  “There you go she said enjoy some lock up time,”….very effective and fast, she had me on about 8′ length of chain, I could walk around a little, lay down but I was not getting away….she went and read the paper…LOL

The idea of having a chain with a lock on the end of the Jailbird is incredibly hot… 😉

Another friend wrote and commented on the masturbation issue that I had described in an earlier post…

So instead of keeping him from masturbating, help him do it—do it together, help him finish, and so on. The Tenga is an awesome toy to play with this. The more he gets back to thinking of his orgasms as something that happens with you, the better everything will be. It’s also not a bad thing to trade off—just like he gets you off without coming, you can return the favor—takes the pressure off him, and that pressure and anxiety is the real enemy. It also fits nicely into chastity play—you’re in charge, and when he comes, it will be with you. I like that approach myself.

I didn’t know what a Tenga was and discovered that they are a masturbation “egg” that apparently is all the rage in Japan. Naturally, because chastity is costing me a small fortune, I had to go and order up a six-pack from Amazon. Free shipping with Prime and they’ll be here tomorrow!

Fantasy, Problem Solving, or Both? September 12, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: , , , , ,

Out there in the “big picture” world of male chastity, there seems to be two predominant paradigms as to why people become interested in chastity in the first place. For men, it is a long-held and deeply desired fantasy. For women, it’s a way to solve problems. But as with everything in life, I am discovering that it’s not that black and white.

Let’s start with the fantasy angle. I think it is safe to say that we all have various fantasies and dreams, things we like to imagine when we are having sex or daydreaming about sex. Some of these fantasies will never become true (I like to imagine having sex with Hugh Jackman but I know that it will never, ever happen. Sigh…that doesn’t stop my imagination, though!). But some fantasies do have the potential to move into the realm of reality. Maybe this is the place when a fantasy becomes a kink: when you are able to talk about it with your partner and express why it is important to you to be able to act on this dream.

Taking it a step further—when you have identified this kinky thing you want to do, and you are unable to act on this wish, the natural response is to become frustrated. Frustrated, and perhaps resentful of the person who is preventing you from achieving your desired goal. That frustration then becomes the problem that may cascade into a whole host of other problems and at that point, finding a solution may not be very straightforward.

So, while many people (men, mostly, from what I read) say that they came to chastity through a fantasy or long-held desire, what may have propelled this to the forefront was the fact that the wish for this to be reality was causing a problem in their lives and relationships. A problem that the partner may not even be aware of if the desirer (or wisher) has never opened his/her mouth about the fact that this is what he/she wants.

Coming at it from the problem solving side of the coin, I have read many accounts where women have desired chastity from their husbands and in their relationships to solve a problem. The problems most commonly identified are: 1) infidelity; 2) chronic masturbation; or 3) an addiction to porn.

Let’s take these one at a time.

Infidelity. This is a toughie. The notion of locking up your man’s cock to keep it from finding its way to other women’s vaginas (or men’s asses) is a little medieval and I am not sure is really a workable solution. If the underlying problem is so deep-rooted—the relationship is on the rocks, there is no real communication between the partners—then a $150+ chastity device is not going to be the solution, IMHO. On the other hand, if the infidelity was a fling as an expression of frustration (see above), then maybe this is the tipping point to initiate the conversation that the desiring-of-chastity partner wants/needs to have.

Chronic masturbation. Is there really such a thing? Is it possible to masturbate “too much”? I don’t think the act itself is chronic; I think the problem comes in when the outcomes of frequent masturbation affect the relationship: a man prefers to have sex with his hand rather than his wife because he is better able to stimulate himself and produce more satisfying (in his mind) orgasms than she is. Or, the refractory period (the recovery time between having an orgasm and being able to have the next one) becomes long enough that a man who masturbates in the morning is not able to have orgasmic sex in the evening, which is a frustration for his wife. I actually found out that I was dealing with both these problems with Ab although I didn’t realize it until we began this chastity exploration.

Addiction to porn. Again, is there really such a thing? Depending on which survey you read, 100% of men and 80% of women read/use/consume porn. Ab teases me because I read so many male/male romance stories which I steadfastly maintain aren’t porn. But at the end of the day, they do titillate and I enjoy them for that reason. 🙂 Like masturbation, I think porn becomes a problem when it interferes with outcomes that both partners want. If a man is locked in his computer room constantly rubbing one out to XXX rated images and movies, ignoring his wife in the other room….yeah, that’s an issue.

So…men want chastity as a fantasy and women want chastity to solve a problem. Then there’s me. I read a story, it was hot, I imagined my husband locked up. Sounds like a fantasy to me! But once we started playing this game, I learned that there were problems I wasn’t fully aware of—and this in a couple who has a high level of good, honest, open communication (in my estimation). Knowing that, I can understand why it might be very difficult for a man to bring up chastity as a wish or desire to his wife; likewise, I can see why a woman would have to feel that her marriage was on the edge of catastrophe to suggest chastity as a solution.

Desperate times call for drastic measures, as they say.

Once you’ve sorted it out in your mind that you want to have the “chastity conversation,” the question becomes: how do you bring it up?

I think the key is to keep it simple and straightforward. Don’t make a big deal of it. In my case, I was surfing around the net looking at pictures of chastity devices and then just put one up on the screen and showed it to Ab. “What do you think?” I asked. “Does that look hot to you?” He’s a visual guy and something clicked in his brain. “Yes, it does,” he said. And from there, we were off and running.

I received an email from a woman who told me she did essentially the same thing. She was concerned about his level of masturbation and was looking for solutions. She came across an article on chastity—a subject that was totally new to her. “At first I was shocked,” she wrote. “Then I thought it was funny.” At first her husband thought she was off her rocker, then he became intrigued. That was eleven months ago.

The cool thing is, once chastity is out there as a solution to a problem, it works. It works incredibly well, at least in my short-term experience. And from what I have read online, and emails I have received from other folks, we are not unusual in this regard.

It’s not just the caring and attentive behavior. Yes, that’s great but I think the bigger benefit has been increased communication. No, I take that back. The biggest benefit has been that he’s horny and I’m horny and we’re having lots of sex. And we’re talking about that, and what that means. That’s where the communication comes in. That’s really cool for a couple in their mid-fifties, don’t you think? I do.

I’ll be writing more about the refractory period and self-stimulation issues but for the moment, I am going to stop here. Comments, as always, are welcome. These are my musings but I do appreciate what others have to say and think about all this stuff.

From the Mailbag: I September 4, 2010

Posted by Dev in Correspondence, Musings.
Tags: , , , , ,

I received a very nice email yesterday from a woman who discovered my blog through Sarah Jameson’s newsletter. She wrote, “We are a similar couple.” She is married with two pre-teen daughters. Her husband has been wearing a chastity device for eleven months. They originally got it “for fun and to spice things up with some excitement.” That happened, but the she said the bigger benefit to her marriage was improved communication around feelings and ideas. She wrote:

[My husband] is really forced to keep a focus here. If I am not happy and I don’t want to play—he doesn’t either. He is thus highly motivated in keeping real communication open to enhance our relationship. The result has been that neither of us takes the other for granted and we really have to keep the understanding. The rest is easy.

I can definitely relate. As a matter of fact, Ab and I went through a very rough patch in our marriage this past winter. We were arguing—a lot—and since both of us are very conflict-avoidant, it was not a happy time for us. We finally turned the corner in May and have been working hard on good communication ever since. Our chastity explorations have enhanced this as we have been talking more and really sharing some deep and personal feelings. This is a good thing. It is also the point I was trying to make in my “I Had To Bite My Tongue” post from the other day. I think it is easy for couples to get into a communication rut. Sometimes, something drastic may be required to shift the dynamic of the conversation that is constantly repeating itself and not moving forward. Chastity might be an appropriate option for some couples, as my email correspondent so clearly showed.

She added that she and her husband are not into BDSM or a slave/master relationship (the latter is definitely true for me; as for BDSM, I have been known to tie my husband up on occasion, most recently as last night—I think of it as “BDSM-lite”). She did say that by being his keyholder she does have control in the bedroom—and she likes that. 🙂

Sarah Jameson warned me to expect email from weirdos and I am sure I will receive plenty of that. But, it was refreshing that my first private message did come from someone who is totally sane and normal—just like me. I’ve replied privately but here’s a public shout-out: Thanks for taking the time to write.