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The Oneida Community: Chaste and Happy in the 1860s June 11, 2011

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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5 comments

I am listening to Assassination Vacation by Sarah Vowell which is very entertaining as well as funny, and came across an interesting tidbit about the Oneida Community which existed in upstate New York from 1849 to 1879. It was a religious community, with utopian ideals–not terribly unusual for that time. It was started by John Humphrey Noyes, a Vermonter who attended Dartmouth, Andover, and the Yale Divinity School.

The thing that caught my attention was the doctrine of “male continence,” or, having sexual intercourse without ejaculation. Noyes was no dummy–he was a college graduate, after all. He realized that if you had sex with a woman and ejaculated, she could very likely become pregnant. His wife had five difficult pregnancies and four of the children died in childbirth so he really didn’t want to put her through that again. But he also realized that sex was fun and he didn’t want to give it up completely. So what to do? How about, hold back the seed? Of course, he couched all this in religious terms but we chaste folks know what “no coming” really is.

They also believed in equality of the sexes and for the women this was very advantageous, especially in the sex department, because, guess what? Women were supposed to have as much fun as men! In Dev-speak, this would be the principle of “My pleasure is your pleasure.” In other words, when the man was busy not coming, he was also busy making sure the woman had an orgasm or two. Works for me!

John Humphrey Noyes

A third principle was that of Complex Marriage, which when translated into modern terms would be equivalent to “open marriage.” That is, sex with a person not your spouse was okay. They had an interesting way of operationalizing this, however. Remember that the men needed to learn “male continence” and for young men, this could take considerable time and effort to learn how to do it properly. If they were busy having sex with young, fertile women the risk of pregnancy was high. So, instead, they had them go and refine their technique with the older, post-menopausal women (the “Oneida cougars”? LOL) where the chance of pregnancy was nil. Likewise, the older guys who were continent-proficient had sex with the young women to teach them all about being multi-orgasmic.

We’ll just turn our heads on the fact that all this teaching and initiation stuff began when the young people were about 14…it was the old days, after all.

Not surprisingly, male continence was effective as a community-wide method of birth control. In a 20 year period, out of a community of 250 people, only 40 children were born.

Like all utopian societies, this one eventually fizzled, mostly because Noyes’ son, an agnostic, wasn’t interested in continuing his father’s religious beliefs. And somehow or another, for reasons that Vowell did not completely explain, they got into making dishes and flatware, an industry that continues to this day.

* * * * *

I didn’t intend to take a five week sabbatical from posting here, but May turned into a month that was completely out of my control. Things are slowly getting back on track and I am looking forward to sharing my thoughts again, on a regular basis. Thanks to everyone who wrote me privately to ask if Ab and I were okay. Yes, we are and we appreciate your support and kindness. Thanks and hugs to all!

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Sometimes You’re Just Not in the Mood April 9, 2011

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I think it is fair to say that Ab and I both have quite active libidos and we’re pretty well matched in the sex drive department. I think a mismatch is a source of stress and conflict for many couples; I am grateful that we don’t have that problem.

That said, it doesn’t mean that we both want to have sex all the time or always at the same time. I can think of times in the past where I would pull the, “Not tonight, honey, I have a headache,” routine. Actually, the more likely scenario was that I would pretend to be asleep as a way to discourage his advances.

That, thankfully, hasn’t happened in ages. One great thing that chastity has done for is make us much more honest with each other about our wants, needs, and desires. Of course, we’re still not 100% in sync about when we want to play around. That would be unrealistic, for any couple, including us. Even so, I’ve realized in the past few weeks that when one or the other of us demurs from having sex, we are able to do so in a loving, polite, and respectful way, which is a far cry from fake headaches and feigning sleep. And that, overall, is a very good thing indeed.

As an example: last Saturday, when we were in San Francisco, Ab woke himself up with a little suckling, which is one of his favorite things to do. It felt good but it wasn’t giving me that twinge of “I want more” that I usually get. His hand moved across my body in his very practiced and familiar way. He played a little and was patient but I just didn’t respond. After a few minutes he stopped. I was a little surprised at that and asked why. He said, “I could tell you weren’t into it. Your mind seemed to be a million miles away.” He was right. Last Saturday was my big day of work and I was keyed up about that—more so than I realized. But my body could tell and it was clear that the pleasure synapses weren’t making it through from the nerve endings to my brain and vice versa.

But it was all okay. He wasn’t annoyed that I didn’t put out and I wasn’t annoyed about any unwanted advances. We both just acknowledged where we were at the moment.

Fast forward one week. It’s Saturday and we’re back at home. Today is the day the new rescue poodle comes to live with us. On top of that, Ab is suddenly very busy at work. He has a ton of stuff to sand and his hand has been cramping. Early this morning, we’re lying together, just quietly talking, and he keeps clenching and unclenching his fist. I reach over and take his hand and give him a hand massage. He thanked me, said that felt good. Then my hand shifts to his cock cage and I proceed with changing the hand massage to a cock and ball massage. Ab doesn’t flinch away or anything but he also doesn’t seem to have any sort of reaction—no “tree trunk erection” as I have nicknamed it. After a few minutes I comment on this and he says, yeah, he’s just not focused this morning, he has other things on his mind. “That’s okay,” I say. “There will be other times.”

So, it seems that maybe we’ve discovered another hidden benefit of chastity. We’ve become very relaxed about sex. It’s comfortable and natural and very good for us. When it happens—which is often—it’s great. When it doesn’t, that’s okay too.

I’ve read about many couples who argue about sex and discover chastity as a way to deal with that problem. That wasn’t an issue for us. Still, even though things were good, I’ve realized another way that chastity is making our sex life and, in turn, our life overall, even better. Funny how that works. 🙂

Monthly Orgasm Glass Round-Up April 8, 2011

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Just to refresh everyone’s memory and bring us up-to-date, here is the inventory of the coins in the orgasm glass:

January: 94 cents with 2 quarters, 1 dime, 5 nickels, and 8 pennies

February: 57 cents with 1 quarter, 5 nickels, and 7 pennies

March: 49 cents with 1 quarter, 1 Franc, 3 nickels, and 9 pennies

March was notable because that was the first month with a Franc for a ruined orgasm. It preceded the quarter-worthy real orgasm by about 20 minutes. I wasn’t sure if Ab would be up for it (pun intended) but he met and exceeded all my expectations. His too. 🙂

April has started off spectacularly well with back-to-back dime-earning multiple orgasmic experiences for me. It was nice to discover that Ab’s not the only man out there who is extremely effective at wielding a Hitachi. This is a definite skill that all men, especially chaste men, should have in their sexual repertoire. Believe me, the women in your lives will thank you for it. 😉

Dreamlover Labs: Shipping Now? March 9, 2011

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Back in August, when I first discovered chastity and was reading obsessively on the subject, I came across the website from DreamLover Labs. They purported to be developing a male management device to be used in the process of training your male to be the perfect boyfriend or husband. The device would consist of a receiver attached to the man’s chastity device and a remote control, held by the trainer, that would shock him as a way to correct unwanted behaviors. The idea of male management and the use of the device was supposedly based on male management science and theory, operant conditioning principles, and firm foundation of empirically tested techniques from psychology.

Because I like science and am interested in empirical evidence, I gravitated towards the theory section of the site, rather than the R&D posts of developing the device. I remember my reaction the first time I read some of these articles last summer: “compulsory sodomy,” “forced subjugation,” and this statement:

The male’s penis (the symbol of his manhood) is relegated to a locked and forgotten, unreachable place, without a concrete prospect of becoming erect again. Therefore, long-term chastity is more akin to castration.

This is what I could look forward to as an outcome of locking up my husband?

Once I got over my initial shock, I actually put my thinking cap on and did some research. I could find no empirical evidence supporting a theory of “male management science.” I googled the names of some of their experts, including Susanne Liu, MD and Tomomi Kumakura, PhD. What did I come up with? Nothing except references back to the DreamLover site, or other blogs or sites that had referenced the DreamLover site. I began to realize that maybe this is just a great big elaborate hoax—or fantasy. In fact, I found one comment that said the site is nothing but “porn for women,” and realized that might be true. Once I stopped thinking that this male management stuff is an inevitable consequence of chastity and just started reading it for fun, I could see the hotness in it. There is a part of it that appeals to me, sort of like Chirenon’s mounding fantasies and his pictures. Don’t ask me why—besides, I don’t think it’s a good idea to overanalyze one’s fantasies. 🙂

Fast forward six months and DreamLover is blitzing the world (including Ab) with e-mail announcements that their male management system is available for purchase in a limited, first-run production. If you happen to have a spare $1400 in your pocket, you could be one of 57 owners in the US or 27 in the EU/UK. A problem for us is that it is designed to work on the CB-3000 or CB-6000 from A.L. Enterprises—no mention of the CB-6000s, which is the polycarbonate device we have. They describe workarounds for other devices but it is not clear whether or not it would work with stainless steel—I certainly don’t want to electrocute my husband in the process of getting him to be the ideal man! Dead is not ideal in my book…LOL.

Seriously, I’d be very leery of forking over $1400 for an unknown, previously unsold product. But I suppose there are folks out there who would not see this as a financial barrier and will be buying one. If they do, I hope they’ll write about their experiences. I am curious if this is something that will move from the realm of fantasy to reality.

* * * * *

Meanwhile, speaking of limited edition, first run products: my Sexy Period panties are due to be shipped on March 14th. I’ve been invited to the launch party on March 19th and even though it is here in New England (Providence, RI, to be exact) I won’t be attending—it’s just a little too far to drive for a Saturday evening event. However, it’s fun to be part of the excitement, even peripherally, and to see the enthusiasm of these very entrepreneurial young women as they get their business off the ground. They are so much more real and honest, to me, than DreamLover Labs—but that’s just my opinion.

* * * * *

A quiet aside to: Thumper. Welcome back. I missed you during your recent sabbatical. It’s good to have you back, blogging, surveying, and being the all around fun bunny that you are. Your blog was one of the first I found that I read obsessively and now, reading your posts and leaving comments has become a happy habit. I am glad things are back on track.

Also, to Sarah Jameson: Happy one year anniversary to the Male Chastity Blog. This is another resource I found early on and did much to counter the nonsense I was reading at DreamLover Labs. Being a busy blogger myself, I know how much work is involved. Keep it up, Sarah, and congrats on a job well done.

Quotes From Ab: XV February 9, 2011

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3 comments

A nickel went into the orgasm glass this morning, and this note was waiting for me on the kitchen table when I got up (along with my grapefruit juice). ‘Nuff said. 🙂

Our Sexual Evolution February 7, 2011

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Back in August, when we started on our chastity journey, one of the first things I did was read Sarah Jameson’s book, Be Careful What You Wish For. It’s a good book and I certainly recommend it, as I said in this review. One concept that was new to me, however, and which Sarah discussed quite a bit, was the idea of tease and denial.

I can hear you snickering now. “You didn’t know about teasing?”

Well, of course I did. The thing is, I called that foreplay. And foreplay needed to be followed by middleplay and endplay. In other words, we’d do lots of teasing but eventually we got to the main event: intercourse. I had orgasms on a somewhat inconsistent basis. For a long time Ab always did get to come but as I have related, in recent years that was a problem—one that became more apparent as we started in with chastity.

So, I had to reframe my thinking around tease and denial.

Once I discovered that Ab’s mantra, “Your pleasure is my pleasure” was true, I started getting selfish. I’d tease him and make him moan and groan, but every single sexual encounter had to end with me having an orgasm. And it was pretty great. I’d hazard a guess that I had more orgasms from September through January (five months) than I had in the previous five years.

Maybe I overdid it or got a little punch drunk from the experience, but things seem to be shifting here in February.

We’re still having lots of sex but I am realizing it’s okay for me to be teased, too. I don’t have to get all the way to orgasm. In fact, here it is, February 7th and so far, only a nickel has gone into the orgasm glass this month. But I am still having lots of fun and getting teased and feeling all tingly and hot all over. I am not complaining about the lack of orgasms but realizing that it seems to be a shift in the way we do things in bed.

(I find I am also fantasizing a lot more about spanking Ab and getting myself really hot with that idea.)

The other day, I downloaded and read the sample of Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow by Marnia Robinson. I am not sure I am going to buy the book and read the whole thing because frankly, it seems like one of those books that has one basic idea that is repeated ad infinitum for 400+ pages. (Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá had the same problem, which is why I gave up reading that about one-third of the way in. But I digress.) Anyway, Robinson’s thesis is that what we typically engage in is procreative, that is, orgasmic sex. She advocates, instead, bonding-based sex which is non-orgasmic but still mutually satisfying. Bonding-based sex is advantageous because it alters the release of various hormones and chemicals in our bodies which in turn affects our mood. Kelmag wrote a very good synopsis of all of this on his blog which you can read here; Robinson and her husband Gary maintain a website called Reuniting where they also expound on their ideas.

Living with a mostly non-orgasmic man for the past six months, I can certainly see changes in his demeanor which may very well be the result of internal biochemical changes. The thing that is surprising to me is that I suddenly seem to be moving in the same direction—or at least okay with the idea. That’s a change that has occurred and been noticeable to me in the past week or so.

Is this a true shift or just the by-product of a long winter with a serious case of cabin fever? Who knows. Time will tell.

The thing that is interesting to me as I move through this process is that I am having a greater awareness of how different activities, such as spanking, can be intensely erotic. I didn’t completely understand that before but my mind is opening more to these experiences as part of our sexual repertoire.

Comments, as always, are welcome particularly because this is area I am still working through in my mind and I suspect I will be revisiting within the blog.

The Phases of Dev February 1, 2011

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The other day, my mother returned to me a sweater that I had made for her many years ago. She has lost a lot of weight in the past year and the sweater is enormous on her now but alas, it fits me, which tells you what can happen over the span of thirty years and two children!

It’s a beautiful sweater, an Irish cable knit cardigan. The wool is from Ireland and it took me months to make it. Looking at it now, I am a little amazed that I did make it, since I retired my knitting needles many years ago. Sure, I still know how to knit but I don’t have any interest right now and I’m not sure I’ll be revisiting that phase of my life in the near future.

Ab and I got talking about this over lunch. “I do go through phases, don’t I?” I said. “My knitting phase, my weaving phase, naturism, Kindle…” Ab smiled. “And you’re a good sport to put up with all of them,” I continued. “I suppose you do get nice things out of them, like hand knit sweaters. That’s a bonus.” Although to be honest, I am not sure what he got out of the Kindle phase! (For the record, that one is still going on.)

And so, we are in the chastity phase and Ab is benefitting with all the attention and lots of sex. Sure, orgasms (for him) are missing but he seems to be okay with that since all the other stuff is really good. Or, at least he’s acting like it’s really good. From my side of the table, I can tell you that it’s great.

This definitely has all the hallmarks of a Dev phase: laser-focus intensity, a desire to learn as much as I possibly can, engaging with a community—blogging is new (is this a phase, too?) so on top of learning all I can about chastity, and putting it in place in our lives, I have also established myself with a blogging presence on the Internet.

This isn't the exact sweater I made, but it's pretty close.

My phases tend to go in cycles of two to four years. We’re six months in with chastity so I am not expecting it to end anytime soon, but I have to wonder. Ab will turn 60 in 2013. Will he still be wearing his Watchful Mistress then? Will he still be interested? Or will I have moved on to something else, pulling him along as I always do?

Over on the Chastity Forum, people have mused about never “going back” or never having chastity end. While I can understand that desire—when you are in the moment and enjoying something immensely, of course you don’t want it to end—but realistically, at least for me, I have to acknowledge my phases as part of who I am and how I live my life.

I don’t regret any of my phases. I’ve enjoyed them all and they’ve become part of the fabric of my life. I look back with fondness at the happily knitting woman who made gifts for everyone for Christmas, or the mad walker who hiked 60 miles across the state of Massachusetts (twice!) and raised $15,000 for breast cancer education and research in the process, or the geeky nerd who can happily spout off obscure trivia about the US interstate highway system…

Of course, maybe chastity is different. Maybe it’s not a phase but rather part of who I am and who I am becoming. The essence of Dev: wife, mother, nurse. Is chaste woman part of that persona? I honestly don’t know.

It was a comment from Mykey on Thumper’s blog that got me thinking about this, although the idea of phases was already on my mind from the sweater incident over the weekend. Mykey wrote:

A year or two of strict orgasm control did bring sandy and I together. It created strains also, but on balance was good for us.

Now the flr dynamic is behind us and I come when I like. It’s a strange feeling and I feel a keen sense of loss. However I have no interest in going back to being orgasm controlled and the longer time passes the less I want to actually go back.

His words, “a keen sense of loss” gave me pause and a bit of sadness. As I said above, my various phases have left me fulfilled and enriched. I don’t want chastity to end—if it is, in fact a phase and thus will end—on a down note with losing something, rather than gaining. We have gained much, as I have written about in this blog—enhanced intimacy, improved communication and a re-invigorated sex life. Even if the device goes into a drawer and the focus on orgasm control ends, I hope those other benefits don’t. And why should they? We certainly have the power to control them and keep the positive focus on what we have gained versus what we might lose. But still, things don’t always turn out the way we expect—or want them to. I have to be honest with myself about that.

As I said the other day, quoting my beloved Ennis Del Mar (yes, Brokeback Mountain was a phase, too), “Ain’t no reins on this one.” We’re riding the wave and enjoying every minute of chastity. If it’s destined to end in a few years, well then, that’s that. But for the moment, we are living in the moment and making the most of it.

What’s in store for the future, only time will tell.

Comments, as always, are welcome.

Visiting the Orgasm Glass January 30, 2011

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Since we are almost at the end of the month, I decided to do an inventory of the coins in the orgasm glass. Ninety-three cents in all, distributed as follows:

  • Two quarters (those were Ab’s birthday orgasms)
  • One dime
  • Five nickels
  • Eight pennies

A total of fourteen orgasms for me in thirty days which works out (roughly) to one every other day. Actually, we tend to go in spurts—three days in a row, perhaps, with a break of two days, then two in a row. More or less although these days it’s definitely more for me. 🙂

Because I like things neat and tidy, it would be nice to get to an even 100 cents (one dollar) by the end of the month. There are 36 hours left until February 1st. Since we both have to work tomorrow, the possibility of 7 penny orgasms between now and then is pretty remote. But two for a nickel each might be doable, or a nickel and two pennies. We could shoot for a dime but as you can see from the numbers above, those are rare.

I wonder how many quarters will be in the glass at the end of February? 😉

Observant readers might have noticed that I added a flag counter to the blog on Friday. WordPress gives statistics about pageviews and referring sources, but nothing about where visitors come from and I was curious about that. I discovered Flag Counter, signed up for an account and voilà! It’s a little amazing just how international my audience is. It took just 36 hours to log a visitor from all 50 US states and the District of Columbia. In addition to the US, I have visitors from 44 other countries. US visitors are the most frequent (not surprising) followed by the United Kingdom, Canada, Germany, the Netherlands, Australia, Italy, France, Sweden, and New Zealand rounding out the top ten.

To everyone reading this, no matter where you are from: Welcome and thanks for dropping by. I appreciate your interest in my thoughts and thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

Hugs to all,

Dev

SWOT Analysis: Chastity January 26, 2011

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I know many people discover this blog as they search for information on chastity, trying to decide if they want to incorporate chastity into their relationship/marriage. As part of that learning process, people naturally consider the pros and cons. This got me thinking somewhat strategically about chastity and I decided brainstorm a SWOT analysis. SWOT: strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats. Traditionally, SWOT focuses on internal (strengths, weaknesses) and external (opportunities, threats) factors. I have decided to operationalize the internal factors (S,W) as the immediate, short-term effects of chastity while the external factors are the longer-term, larger repercussions of chastity on the relationship.

Typically, a SWOT analysis is conducted with a group of people brainstorming in a room. Since I am brainstorming by myself, I definitely welcome comments and suggestions: items that I have missed, which I will add to the lists and items that might be mis-categorized.

For me, the process of thinking this through has been a fun exercise. I hope it is helpful to others!

Strategic Objective: To determine whether to become a chaste couple.

Strengths

The most immediate and short-term effects that couples report from chastity are:

  • Increased intimacy
  • Improved communication
  • Enhanced sex life

Other benefits include:

  • For the man: feeling horny and sexually aroused, especially if he is wearing a device.
  • For the keyholder: feelings of power and control which can be enjoyable.
  • There is an increasing community of chastity enthusiasts on the Internet, thus an opportunity to make new friends.
  • Reading about chastity is an opportunity to broaden your horizons and learn something new.

Weaknesses

  • For couples who choose not to use the honor system, chastity requires purchase of a device which can cost, at a minimum, $150
  • For many (most?) men, wearing a device requires an adjustment/break-in period, which may be uncomfortable.
  • Behavior changes, ie, sitting down to urinate, decreased masturbation; these may not be acceptable to some.
  • Keyholder may perceive chastity as “work” or something else to do/be responsible for.
  • Learning curve requires an investment of time and effort.

Opportunities

  • Couples who engage in chastity report improvements in their relationship that are so profound that they do not want to “go back” to the old way of doing things. Even if they choose to stop using a device, they want to continue the positive benefits of increased intimacy, improved communication, and enhanced sex life.
  • Chastity provides a mechanism for couples to explore deeper needs, desires, and fantasies (“gateway kink” as coined by Tom Allen).

Threats

  • Chastity is not a panacea; for couples with a relationship that is fundamentally not healthy at the core, chastity is not going to fix it.
  • Chastity is a change and for many people, change in and of itself is threatening.
  • Chastity may be perceived as very kinky, weird, or “way out there”; those who are not sexually adventurous may have no interest in chastity as an activity or more broadly, lifestyle.
  • If chastity is a long-held desire by the initiator (often the man), bringing it up is a risk, especially if the other partner is not interested and in fact, may be repulsed by the idea.

When You Are Struggling With Denial January 25, 2011

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4 comments

This is for the ladies. When you are struggling with denial, have an “Ah-ha!” moment like I did this morning.

I have mentioned before that Ab used to wake up and masturbate next to me while I pretended to be asleep. How often did this happen? He says it was much less frequent than what I remember. Certainly not daily and maybe as rare as every week or two. Then he had his solo sessions in front of his computer, which were also on an “as needed” basis.

Compare that to now. He wakes up at 4 am. He turns into me, I shift position and he latches onto my breast. Oh, God how we both love suckling! That sets the mood, brings us slowly to consciousness. I reach for his cock, feeling the metal of his Watchful Mistress that is warm from a night of sleeping. I squeeze and caress, feeling the thickening and engorging in his scrotum. His hand drifts to my pussy and begins to play. How long does this go on? It depends on our mood, how early it is, and what the day ahead holds for us. Some days we both get edged and leave it there. But most days, the Hitachi comes out and I start my day with a lovely orgasm.

How often does this happen? At least three or four times a week.

Now, ask yourself: what would any red-blooded, living, breathing, sentient male prefer? A solo masturbation session maybe once or twice a week culminating in a spurt, or making love to a warm, soft, sensuous woman three for four times a week with orgasm denied? I think (correct me if I’m wrong, guys) that the latter is definitely more appealing.

Ladies, every time you struggle with orgasm denial, remember this.

And, remember this text message that I just received:

When I give you an orgasm in the morning, I end up horny all day.

Ah. Bliss!

* * * * *

I passed a milestone yesterday: 100,000 pageviews of the blog! And today is my five month anniversary—I posted my first post on August 25, 2010. I am remembering the hot weather and sitting on my porch with the computer. Now it is cold (very cold) and snowy. But, five months from now it will be summer, warm, I’ll be on the porch and I suspect—we’ll still be chaste. “Ain’t no reins on this one,” as Ennis Del Mar has famously said. 🙂

Thanks to everyone who supports the blog by reading, commenting, and subscribing. I am so glad you are interested in the journey that Ab and I am on and I thank you for your gift of time and trust.

Hugs to all,

Dev