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Cuckolding: It’s Not For Me September 28, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: , , , , ,

That should not come to as much of a surprise to regular readers since I commented on this fact in one of my very first posts. However, yesterday I got to surfing around the Internet and somehow landed on a bunch of sites that had cuckold scenarios, whether fantasies, (allegedly) real, or soon-to-be real. I read the blogs, looked at the pictures and when I was done was I turned on? Not at all. In fact, if anything, I was a little depressed.

Cuckolding, even as a fantasy does nothing for me. Absolutely nothing. Part of it is my practical mind. To make it happen, I’d have to meet a man, I’d have to be attracted to him, and somehow or another, we’d have to get to the point of having sex. It all sounds like a lot of work. LOL. But more importantly, I think it has to do a lot with energy, too.

Ab has been locked up for 6 weeks and 1 day. Although he manages to keep the feelings at a manageable level, I know he’s horny and experiencing a level of sexual frustration that is completely new to him. He takes that frustration and sexual energy and turns it on me and…I love it.  Love it! I feel like he is shining a spotlight on me—I am the star on his stage, the center of his universe. I know I am the most important thing in his life.

His energy in turn fuels my energy, which is also at higher levels than I have felt in years. So, I ask myself, why would I want to take that and give it to someone else? It doesn’t make sense to me. I know, fantasies don’t all have to be rooted in reality but many of mine are. Thus, taking my sexual energy and sharing it with a man who is not my husband? It’s not erotic, it’s just…dumb.

I bring this up in case I have any reluctant wives among my readers. (Ladies, you never comment and that’s okay, but I hope you are reading and taking notes!). You don’t have Google very hard before you find that chastity discussions veer into the cuckolding issue. Even Sarah Jameson admits it is a major fantasy of hers and writes about it in her book and blog. (Sarah is very careful to say, however, that it is just that—a fantasy—and will remain that way.) But…maybe you’re like me. The idea of cuckolding makes your skin crawl and is a major turn-off. So when you read about it, especially from those who make it sound like an inevitable outcome of chastity, then it stands to reason that the whole idea of chastity becomes less enticing to you. This makes perfect sense.

But I am here to say: take it from one wife who is bucking the dominant paradigm. No cuckolding for us, no cuckolding fantasies. No third parties in our bedroom. If I want a cock in my vagina and the strap-on isn’t doing it for me, all I have to do is take out the key, unlock him, and say, “Let’s get to work, big boy.”

If you are considering chastity and if you’re nervous or uncomfortable about the cuckolding scenario, then set it as a ground rule. Make it clear that it is not something that interests or entices you and you don’t want it as part of the game. Ab will read this sometime in the next day or two, so now he knows how I feel. We’ve haven’t really talked about it (because the issue wasn’t clear in my mind) but now that I have sorted this out, I can say: no cuckold fantasies for us. Okay, sweetie? Thanks!

* * * * *

Update on the It Gets Better Project: Dan Savage is getting some good publicity and response to his project to reach out to LGBTQ youth through videos that say, “It Gets Better.” Time Magazine has a good article that you can read here. There is an interesting quote from the American Association on Suicidology:

overall figures on teen suicide rates are likely underestimated, since many premeditated deaths involving car crashes or drugs end up being ruled as accidental.

Further on in the article is a comment on the issue that concerns me:

“One of the really frustrating things to me after his death was that it wasn’t in the media. No one was outraged that this boy had basically been harassed until he couldn’t take it anymore. … It felt like no one really cared.”

So very true.

Take a few minutes to watch some of the videos. They really are very powerful. Once again, kudos to Dan and his husband Terry for spearheading this project.

Re: the graphic today. I couldn’t find anything that looked like “cuckholding” and on top of that, I didn’t really want to. LOL. So I used the nice picture of Dan and Terry from the Time article instead. Works for me!


1. Tom Allen - September 28, 2010

You know, I “get” a lot of kinks; that is, I understand why they might be a turn on. There are a few scenarios, though, that I don’t understand. For example, I can understand why somebody might want to see his partner having a good time while he’s locked up, but what I *don’t* get is why someone would want to be humiliated in so doing, which is a frequent adjunct to these fantasies.

Of course, maybe I just don’t have a strong ego, because I don’t get the humiliations kink at all.

devotedlvr - September 28, 2010

Tom, yes, I agree. I don’t like picturing myself with another guy with the knowledge that I still have a husband and would come home to him smelling of some guy. That’s bad. But it’s worse to imagine that I’d be doing it with the guy while my husband stands there watching, saying something like, “My little bitty cock is not worthy of your gold plated vagina…” Ew, ew, ew. It makes me want to retch and retching is certainly not the stuff of fantasies.

This game for me is very much a partnership. My role in the game is to hold the key. His role is to get horny and frustrated by being denied. Our mutual role is to play with each other, in whatever way we want. Beyond that…cuckholding, humiliation, punishment don’t have a role, at least according to my rulebook.


2. mikecb - September 28, 2010

I think one REALLY valuable thing about blogs like yours, Dev, is to start building a larger base of evidence that one size does NOT fit all for chastity fantasies. A common criticism of chastity play is that it leads to cuckholding, cross-dressing, humiliation-heavy, Bitch-Domme relationships. Frankly, that’s the minority of people into chastity play, but often presents as the vocal majority.

I love that more “vanilla” chastity players are producing blogs and a body of information out there for the newer players in the chastity game. Thanks for your blog!


3. devotedlvr - September 28, 2010

Thanks, Mike. I appreciate your comment!

I am really trying to put myself into the mindset of a reluctant or questioning wife—even though I am not one—to help understand where the barriers might be. I did the same thing with naturism, too, and did manage to persuade a few women to give it a try. But I learned from that that there are people who might pick up on a few vocal minority people or issues and use that to shut their mind completely to the idea. If I went into chastity believing that my husband would turn into a sissy guy that I would need to spank to teach him the meaning of how to behave…uh, no. But I could see that would not be the case. I am just trying to present some level headed info from a woman’s point of view. I am glad to know I am succeeding.



4. likes2blocked - September 29, 2010

This doesn’t lead anywhere that you don’t want it to go. A piece of plastic or metal, no matter where it is worn, isn’t going to fundamentally change a person.

If it is going to lead anywhere, it might be a little further down the D&S path, given that this is a consensual power exchange.

I also really don’t get the whole humiliation aspect of things – just foreign to me. This is one of my biggest beefs with this vocal bunch – I really do think it is 99% fantasy for them, which is why it gets so extreme. You can get really extreme in your head.

5. mykey - September 29, 2010

Hi Dev
So I read this and was about to post a reply when I realised that I had a lot to say. I can totally empathise with your discomfort about cuckolding and the reasons you give, but some of them dont ring true for us. That said I accept that is is an extreme fantasy and the ‘apparent’ path that leads from chastity to cuckolding is going to scare many women, and as such its good to have resources out there cleary saying ‘dont believe the bull’. Most of what you read is fantasist rubbish, and the more extreme it is the more likely it is so. Whats more the emotional tone of the subs in that kind of writing is almost certainly NOT what your (newly outed) husband is going to be like.

I have more to say though, why do we do it? Our experience of it suggests some of your concerns need to be valid. At least they arent in our experience. So I wrote a post which summarises why we do enjoy humiliation and (for now at least) cuckolding, within the context of a loving marriage.

6. devotedlvr - September 29, 2010

Hi Mykey,

Thanks for your comment. I actually posted a comment over on your blog.

What I like about your blog is that you do seem honest and real and not, as you said, posting fantasist rubbish.

Cuckholding, humiliation etc, seem to be working for you—as you said, for now at least. That’s good. Ab and I had a friend we played with for a while, and then we moved on. I think that is the most important piece of any of this: knowing when it’s fun and knowing when it’s not so much fun anymore and it is time to find a new game.

Sort of like chastity. Is this a 1, 5, or 10 year game? Who knows. All I know is that right now I am having a blast.


7. Mykey - September 29, 2010

Hi Dev

Thanks for your comments on my comment 🙂 lol! I certainly am real but I didn’t feel like my blog was one that you questioned. It was close enough though that it triggered my thoughts.

Your account of the threesome sounds fun, in fact Sandy and I have something very similar in our past.

I’m not sure physical presence is always necessary for us, though emotional presence is. That’s easier when co-located for sure, but I think it can work without. See bdenieds blog for example. This is rather theoretical of course given that there is no one true way.

Keep having fun. Don’t go too easy on Ab 🙂 I’m kinda scared at what sandy might become once the holy Grail of comfortable chastity is reached for us.


8. devotedlvr - September 29, 2010

Hi Mykey,

I am having fun and I will keep having fun. That’s the one thing I keep learning about this and keep reiterating…it’s a GAME and it’s a blast…


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