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Talking About Chastity and Sex November 8, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: , , , ,

This seems to be a popular topic today, so I’ll join in the fray.

The question came up on the Chastity Forum: would you or could you talk about chastity if the topic came up with a friend? The general consensus, as Belle noted in her blog is no.

I think there are a couple of things at work. First off, the average person doesn’t know much (if anything) about modern chastity. I think when most people hear the word chastity, a number of other “C” words come to mind, including celibacy, the Crusades, and cruel.

As I have said before, celibacy and chastity aren’t synonymous. Maybe in the past they were but the way Ab and I are living our chaste lives, we are certainly not abstaining from sex! But I think the knee-jerk reaction to a statement such as, “My husband and I are practicing male chastity,” would be, “They’re not having sex,” which is followed by, “They are very weird,” or “Oh, how sad for them,” or “I really don’t want to hear about their sexless love life.”

Second, the Crusades. I say this somewhat kiddingly but I think there is a myth that soldiers locked their wives in chastity belts before heading off to fight for Jesus. Given that all the men were heading off to battle, I’m not quite sure who was left to victimize the women, but better to be safe than sorry, I suppose! Chastity contraptions in those days were large, fearful devices that certainly got their point across: this vagina is OFF LIMITS! Interestingly, in the Crusades myth, it is always the women who were forced to be chaste with a device, never the men; reading about modern chastity practices the vast majority of device wearers are men, not women (at least that I have come across). So, the Crusades example, while likely a myth, is also cognitively dissonant.

Then there’s cruel. The notion of locking up a guy’s dick with a bunch of metal or plastic and then putting a lock on it seems to be the height of barbarianism. Or is it? Frankly, I think wearing high heeled shoes borders on cruel and abusive. The same can be said for girdles, underwire bras, and skin-tight jeans. Piercings, tattoos—considering the things we do to ourselves in the name of fashion and sex appeal, a well-fitting, comfortable chastity device is probably pretty far down on the list of cruel activities. But once again, T.C. Mits (“the celebrated man in the street,” I am sure I am dating myself with that reference!) doesn’t know that and thus the practice is seen as cruel and abusive—something only a controlling, dominating, man-hating woman would ever consider for her husband. Hm, let me look in the mirror. Controlling, dominating, man-hating? That’s not me…

I used to be very open about talking about naturism. I discovered, however, that the minute I said, “Nude beach,” most people didn’t want to hear anymore. It was just too weird and freaky for them. Chastity is worse. Even though folks can picture or imagine a nude beach, chastity conjures up images such as I have mentioned above. A friend might look at me and see a normal, rational woman, but the fact that I want to talk about this strange, bizarre topic must mean I am irrational. Irrationality always trumps rationality, looks and demeanor be damned! Another problem is that chastity can’t be explained in a sentence or two. Just look at those of us who are into it. Most people say they spent some amount of time, whether it be hours, days, or weeks reading and learning about chastity before they “took the plunge.” Even folks who have been at this for a while (years) still like to read and talk about the lifestyle. So how do you sum that up in 25 words or less? I’ve been trying to come up with a chastity tagline but haven’t found the right combination of words—yet. One thing I have been trying to be more explicit about is to say chaste lifestyle as opposed to only saying male chastity; the former, to me, makes it more clear that this is an activity the couple is engaged in and gets away from the controlling, dominating wife who is “doing” something to her husband. It’s a tiny point but it is important to me.

If the subject did come up with a friend, would I talk about it? Of course I would. I am not one to shy away from an interesting conversation. But, alas, I think the only conversations I’ll be having about chastity are those that I imagine in my head.

Naturism and Orgasm Denial September 17, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: , , , , ,

I posted the other day about what I perceived as a few parallels between naturism (nudism) and male chastity, including: 1) an interest in naturism is usually a long-term fantasy of one of the partners; 2) it requires having a conversation to get involved; 3) it is best enjoyed as a couple with a willing partner; 4) it is a lifestyle that might be perceived as bizarre or odd to those who are on the outside, but for the participants, it is very sane, normal, and quite enjoyable. I don’t think any naturists would argue these four points with me. But I can hear my naturists friends getting up in arms about the following comment: naturists practice a form of orgasm denial. In fact, even though they are loathe to admit it, there is a lot of sexuality mixed in with naturism; I think that it is this refusal to accept (and embrace) the obvious that causes many problems for individual naturists and in the larger naturist movement.

A foundational principle—in fact, the foundational principle—of naturism is that it is non-sexual nudity. No matter what you read, this is the very first thing trotted out and emphasized in bold, CAPITAL letters. It’s the mantra of the movement.


Think about it for a minute. Do you really think living, breathing, red-blooded adults can spend a day, evening, or week naked with other living, breathing, red-blooded adults and not think about sex? Seriously?

What naturism is is nudity in which sexual urges are contained and controlled, so that the participants behave in appropriate and acceptable ways in a public venue. In other words, no fucking on the beach (or next to the pool). And while we’re at it, no fondling, caressing, or massaging, either of self or others. Loving glances are okay and maybe a chaste kiss or two.

I don’t have a problem with these rules. I don’t think I’d particularly enjoy lounging under my beach umbrella while the couple on the next blanket over are going at it like rabbits. Nor does the idea of having public sex with my husband turn me on. Believe it or not, I am not an exhibitionist. (That just made me think of another chastity/naturism parallel: just like some believe that all men who are interested in chastity are submissives, many believe that all naturists are exhibitionists. I don’t think either statement is true.)

Back to being sentient human beings: I think it is only natural that if you spend a day nude, at the beach or wherever, with your beloved life partner at your side (also nude), you will come to the realization that it is a very sensual experience. The warm sun on your skin, the sound of the ocean, getting wet and then the tingly feeling as the salty water dries on your skin…realizing that you are as horny as hell and you can’t do a damn thing about it until you get somewhere private…

Many newbie naturists comment that after their first social nude experience, they go home and have the most mind-blowing sex of their entire life. And why not? You’ve been building towards it all day long. It’s sort of like male chastity on speed. Instead of spending days, weeks, or months locked in a chastity device, you spend one day at the beach. It’s a day long tease and denial session, done in a totally non-physical way.

Here’s a thought: spend a day at the nude beach, then come home and lock your loved one up in his CB or Jailbird or whatever. Gack! It’s enough to make a grown man (or woman) cry. LOL.

Naturists would deny that any of what I have written above is true—they would maintain their stance that nudism is non-sexual. But I would counter that with the following evidence. What is the number one question that someone exploring naturism asks? (Any guesses?)

Here it is: What happens if I get an erection?

The naturists always answer: “You won’t.” But then they add the caveat, “But if you do, just roll over on your towel and think about something else…like a cold shower. That should take care of the problem.”

The thing is, it’s not that men don’t have erections but rather, that they don’t allow themselves to have an erection. And to me, that is a chastity principle. In fact, I suspect that many men who are interested in chastity actually practice “mental chastity” as a prelude to getting a device. The device makes it easier, of course, and it also a visible sign (and reminder) of what a person is trying to accomplish. And as I have mentioned before, I think it’s pretty freaking hot, which feeds back into the sensual/sexual domain of chastity. Controlling erections without a device feeds into the sensual/sexual domain of naturism—the domain that allegedly doesn’t exist. See why I call that bullshit?

It was this denial of sexuality that caused some of my frustration with naturism, particularly at clubs. They tended to have so many rules that were all designed to dis-allow expressions of sexual/sensual feelings. One club we went to (the one to which I shall never return) said that no one could apply suntan lotion to another person; you could only put it on yourself. In fact, they had this little gizmo that you could buy that would allow you to rub suntan lotion onto your own back. How freaking stupid is that? I always maintained that naturists should have one rule, and one rule only: Behave like a responsible, mature adult and don’t do anything that you or others might find objectionable in terms of personal behavior. Instead of trying to deny sexuality, accept it for what it is and then ask people to be chaste. Problem solved.

For the record, I never saw a man wearing a chastity device at a nude venue. I did see plenty of piercings, however, as well as cocks of every size, shape, and color. And…I’ll let you in on a little secret. I did see a few erections—and not just on my husband. 😉

Chastity and Naturism: Some Parallels? September 14, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: , , , , ,

Back in the day, Ab and I were active as naturists (nudists); we enjoyed it and participated by going to clubs and beaches for several years. We even spent a week at a really nice “Villages des Vacances” in France—believe me, US naturists could learn a lot from the French! Like chastity, naturism was an idea that I brought up; however, the big difference this time was the fact that naturism was something I had known about and been interested in for quite a while. While it had been on the fringes of my mind for years, what sparked my interest was the essay Naked by David Sedaris (included in the book of the same name). Can you tell that reading has a big influence on my life?

As I’ve been thinking about chastity and “the conversation,” I have been reflecting on the idea that there are a number of parallels between the two lifestyles—and in fact, I think it is correct to call them both lifestyles. Here are some of the similarities that I have occurred to me:

Chastity and naturism are both best enjoyed as a couple’s activity. Naturist clubs (don’t call them “nudist colonies”—that term is considered outmoded, outdated, and pejorative) have strict rules about allowing single men beyond their gates; some clubs flat-out refuse them entrance while others have some sort of a quota system to try to maintain a balance of couples to singles. Beaches, of course, cannot restrict entry but single men are often viewed suspiciously, even in the free beach environment.

Likewise, chastity for a single man is difficult. I have read about men looking for women to serve as their keyholders and the challenges they face. Also, being chaste by yourself? One might ask, what’s the point?

Following along these lines, naturism is a whole lot more fun if you have a willing partner who is able to enjoy the lifestyle with you. Ab did participate with me when we went to the beach or resorts; I had many men tell me how envious they were because their wife absolutely refused to consider naturism. She wouldn’t go nude in the house much less consider going to a beach or club where other people could see her! This was a source of great disappointment and also limited their opportunities to participate.

For many men, their wife’s refusal to participate or even discuss the issue is a source of frustration and unhappiness. In fact, I just got an email the other day from a naturist friend I haven’t heard from in a few years. He told me he is living in Florida now—just a few miles from some of the biggest resorts in the US—and his wife remains an “unwilling partner.” Poor guy and frankly, I just don’t get it. But I guess there are people who shut down their mind to anything that is beyond their realm of known experience.

Because naturism is a couple’s activity, that means that—just like chastity—you have to have “the conversation.” And similarly, for many people (myself included), bringing up that conversation means putting a piece of yourself out there to be very vulnerable. A reaction of “You want me to do WHAT?? Are you fucking NUTS?” can be a very personal rejection of something that you long held dear. Fortunately, I didn’t get that reaction from Ab—he was open to the idea from the start and was willing to humor me (as he does in so many ways). But I did lose a few friends—people who just couldn’t cope with the idea of knowing someone who would go to a nude beach. Is it really that radical? I don’t think so but not everyone agrees with me.

I know from comments, discussions, and various posts that the conversation about chastity is just as challenging as one about naturism and rejection of the idea can be very painful. For this reason, people may never bring it up, leading to more frustration and unhappiness—or worse yet, pursuing naturism, or chastity, “on the sly.” In fact, most of the men that I have referred to here or used as examples were “on the sly” naturists. Not a happy situation.

Going along with that idea of radical: to the unknowing or unfamiliar, naturism may seem spectacularly bizarre and chastity may be viewed the same way. But once you get into it, you quickly realize it’s not weird at all. It’s just another way to experience life. If you have a willing partner, both lifestyles have the potential to bring you closer together and open up lines of communication, which in my mind is a good thing.

One place where naturism and chastity diverge—at least according to the naturism spokespeople—is in the area of sex. Naturism is recreational, non-sexual nudism. It has nothing to do with sex. I would argue that is a bunch of malarkey—but making that point is worthy of a post itself, so that’s what I will touch on in the next day or two.

BTW, Ab and I didn’t abandon naturism completely, but we did stop actively going to clubs and beaches. There were a couple of reasons for this. One, our children, who went with us to France and a couple of other clubs, grew into the pre-teen years where it was just not comfortable for them (or us). We needed to respect that. Two, I discovered that I much preferred going to beaches rather than clubs, primarily because of the silly rules that clubs often had. Unfortunately, there isn’t a nude beach within easy driving distance for us (even though we live just miles from the ocean). Third, the nearest club to us (one hour away) has the most restrictive rules you can imagine. After an incident there I vowed never to go back and give them my money or patronage. The point is probably moot, anyway. One rule is “No jewelry below the neck” so my pierced nipples would get me booted off the premises. LOL. I sort of like that idea….

To be continued. Meanwhile, comments, as always, are welcome.

* * * * *

UPDATE from yesterday: I got home last night around 8:30 pm. Ab was watching the football game and dinner was almost ready. We had a nice conversation about this, that, and the other thing. After dinner, he didn’t seem quite as fawning…he even let me help with the dishes. :-D. He went back to the football game and when that was over, he said he was tired and heading for bed. Before he left, however, he commented that he had gone the whole day CB-free, but put it on when he got home. He wanted to know where the spare key was so he’d have it for his shower. I said, “In the usual place. I put it back this morning.”

When I went to bed (about an hour later) I tried to cuddle and snuggle but he wasn’t budging. I think that he was very sound asleep; it wasn’t a case that he was ignoring me or rebuffing my advances.

Six a.m. and he’s the one initiating the cuddling. Fine with me…I was awake! Things heated up in a good positive way. His balls were doing their “chin-up” thing in his CB. I like massaging him behind them (I am not sure what the name of that body part would be, but it gets all engorged and full since his cock can’t and it feels good to rub). The vibrator eventually came out—I had to beg for it but I was glad to see it because it meant he was not sticking to his “no orgasms for Dev” pronouncement from Sunday night. Things wrapped up to a satisfying conclusion for both of us and then it was time to get up and get ready to face another day.

Life feels pretty good right now. 🙂