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The Oneida Community: Chaste and Happy in the 1860s June 11, 2011

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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I am listening to Assassination Vacation by Sarah Vowell which is very entertaining as well as funny, and came across an interesting tidbit about the Oneida Community which existed in upstate New York from 1849 to 1879. It was a religious community, with utopian ideals–not terribly unusual for that time. It was started by John Humphrey Noyes, a Vermonter who attended Dartmouth, Andover, and the Yale Divinity School.

The thing that caught my attention was the doctrine of “male continence,” or, having sexual intercourse without ejaculation. Noyes was no dummy–he was a college graduate, after all. He realized that if you had sex with a woman and ejaculated, she could very likely become pregnant. His wife had five difficult pregnancies and four of the children died in childbirth so he really didn’t want to put her through that again. But he also realized that sex was fun and he didn’t want to give it up completely. So what to do? How about, hold back the seed? Of course, he couched all this in religious terms but we chaste folks know what “no coming” really is.

They also believed in equality of the sexes and for the women this was very advantageous, especially in the sex department, because, guess what? Women were supposed to have as much fun as men! In Dev-speak, this would be the principle of “My pleasure is your pleasure.” In other words, when the man was busy not coming, he was also busy making sure the woman had an orgasm or two. Works for me!

John Humphrey Noyes

A third principle was that of Complex Marriage, which when translated into modern terms would be equivalent to “open marriage.” That is, sex with a person not your spouse was okay. They had an interesting way of operationalizing this, however. Remember that the men needed to learn “male continence” and for young men, this could take considerable time and effort to learn how to do it properly. If they were busy having sex with young, fertile women the risk of pregnancy was high. So, instead, they had them go and refine their technique with the older, post-menopausal women (the “Oneida cougars”? LOL) where the chance of pregnancy was nil. Likewise, the older guys who were continent-proficient had sex with the young women to teach them all about being multi-orgasmic.

We’ll just turn our heads on the fact that all this teaching and initiation stuff began when the young people were about 14…it was the old days, after all.

Not surprisingly, male continence was effective as a community-wide method of birth control. In a 20 year period, out of a community of 250 people, only 40 children were born.

Like all utopian societies, this one eventually fizzled, mostly because Noyes’ son, an agnostic, wasn’t interested in continuing his father’s religious beliefs. And somehow or another, for reasons that Vowell did not completely explain, they got into making dishes and flatware, an industry that continues to this day.

* * * * *

I didn’t intend to take a five week sabbatical from posting here, but May turned into a month that was completely out of my control. Things are slowly getting back on track and I am looking forward to sharing my thoughts again, on a regular basis. Thanks to everyone who wrote me privately to ask if Ab and I were okay. Yes, we are and we appreciate your support and kindness. Thanks and hugs to all!

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April Orgasm Glass Round-Up May 1, 2011

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Hard to believe another month has zipped by! The total coins in the glass this month: 41 cents in the form of 3 dimes, 1 nickel, and 6 pennies. Two of the dimes came, as I have previously mentioned, right at the beginning of the month when we were in San Francisco.  The third dime was just a day or two ago and the other coins were sort of here and there.

Note that there aren’t any quarters or francs. In other words, no orgasms for Ab which means his last one was back at the beginning of March. A nice long stretch…:-) When he reads this, he’ll probably start complaining.

This has actually been a low libido and low sexual activity month for both of us. A number of factors seemed to contribute to that, including a bit of a letdown when we got home from our California trip (retrophobia), a month of rain which would get anybody down, being very busy with work, and last but not least, a new dog. We had a new rescue poodle come live with us on April 9th. She’s doing well and adjusting, but even so, I am reminded that having a new family member, whether human, canine, or feline, will throw anybody’s schedule in disarray. All of these factors knocked us off kilter for a few weeks.

In the “off kilter” stage, Ab decided he wanted to take a little device vacation. He asked me about this but went ahead and did it without really getting an answer from me. Things were okay at first but by day 6 I felt like his attention wasn’t as focused on me as it has been–and as I have come to expect and enjoy. A few sharp words passed between us but the outcome was that he did lock up the next day. He commented that 95% of the time the device is very comfortable and he forgets he is wearing it, but the 5% when it pinches (or whatever) can be very annoying. So…it’s clear that this is a continuing journey to figure out what exactly is right for us, which reinforces to me that what is right for us probably is only us. Chastity is as varied as the couples that practice it.

I am looking forward to May. After a month of rain (April showers) it seems that spring has finally arrived. Ab opened the porch over the past few days (two screens needed to be repaired) and we’ve spent some time out there. I remember the hot days last August sitting out there, reading about chastity on the computer and considering whether we wanted to give this a try. Nine months later it appears that our “try” is successful and ongoing, but we’re still learning. Which I have to admit, is part of the fun!

Mammogram Day! April 29, 2011

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Yesterday was my annual mammogram. One of those annual rituals that women of a certain age get to go through…LOL.

I got my nipples pierced in August. That particular year, I had my mammogram in July (actually, I had it in July for years because that’s my birthday month. But somewhere along the way I got off schedule and now I have it in April). It took me ages to get my courage up to get my nipples pierced but being just a few weeks post-mammogram was a motivator. I knew I would face questions from the technician and perhaps be told I had to take the jewelry out. I was glad to have eleven months to prepare for that eventuality.

When my first post-piercing mammo rolled around, the tech did ask about the rings and suggested that perhaps I should remove them? I said I’d rather not because I didn’t have the right tool with me (at that point I still had the original captive bead ring that was put in when they were pierced). She said, “Well, okay, but if the radiologist has any problems reading the film or they interfere with the mammogram in any way, you WILL have to remove them.”

Guess what? No problems at all. The rings show up as little circles that stick out from my nipple but really have no impact on the overall mammogram.

By the time of post-piercing mammogram #2 I had my gold rings in. For that one, the technician commented on how pretty they were. No more talk of taking them out.

Last year I had to switch mammogram facilities, due to change in where my gynecologist was working and insurance regulations. They obtained all my old films so of course they saw the rings but I was curious if the new tech would say anything. I actually can’t remember what happened last year so obviously it was no big deal. Yesterday the tech (same woman, as I recall) said, “Still have your nipple rings in?” and I said yes. That was that and we proceeded to talk about the lovely view out of the window of the mammogram room. (This is probably one of the very few mammogram facilities in the world that has an ocean view!)

I haven’t gotten a callback telling me I need to come in for an ultrasound or biopsy, so it seems that all is fine for another year. Phew!

For any women reading this (or for men reading who have loved ones with breasts) remember, mammograms do save lives! I know there is controversy about when to begin and how often. My personal belief is to have a baseline at age 40; frequency after age 40 should be decided in consultation with your primary care provider and based on risk factors and family history. Once you reach age 50, plan on a mammogram annually.

Now that I know (once again) I have healthy breasts, I think I’ll plan to celebrate with letting Ab have some fun tonight–his favorite activity. 🙂

If You’ve Seen One Chastity Relationship… April 15, 2011

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…you’ve seen one chastity relationship. In other words, it’s not a case of, “If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

This thought occurred to me today when I received a nice email from a very new keyholder—20 days locked up for her husband. She wrote:

I love everything about it but I’m confused as to how controlling and dominant role I should play. Can you please give me some insight as to how to continue with this lifestyle?

I was flattered to be asked and wanted to give her a good, helpful response. As I thought about it, I realized that don’t know how controlling and dominant a role she should play. That’s something that each couple needs to experiment with and find out on their own.

Now that I have met—in person—another chaste couple, this point was driven home even more for me. L, K, Ab, and I have lots of things in common, including our conceptualization of chastity. But we don’t operationalize it the same way. L goes for very long periods locked, without a single break (he should be up to about six weeks, now, if my math is correct). K is in total charge of the key and L has no idea where it is. Contrast that with us where I have gotten away from micro-managing Ab’s Watchful Mistress. The expectation is that he’ll be locked the majority of the time; if perchance he is out of his device (for bathing or just a little break due to discomfort) that doesn’t mean he can have an orgasm. He knows those are strictly controlled by me.

Ab told me once that not having access to the screwdriver would be a game-changer (ie, changing us right out of the game. LOL). I know that for many women, the symbolism of having and controlling the key is extremely important and a large part of what motivates them to stay with chastity. Clearly my arrangement wouldn’t work for them but understanding this has been an important part of the learning process.

I’ve tried to make it clear in this blog that I am writing about our experience and journey with chastity. If some of my insights and new knowledge is helpful to others, great! But I don’t expect others to “do” chastity the way Ab and I do. For chastity to be effective and really work it has to be individualized and that applies to every dimension of the experience from type of device to duration of lock-up to styles of tease and denial. What works for me may not work for you…(although L did seem to enjoy my teasing technique! 😉 ).

So, to newcomer wife I offer these suggestions as you learn about chastity:

  • Read widely but don’t take everything at face value. Remember that anyone can be anyone on the Internet and there are some “chastity imposters” out there who post their fantasies under the guise of real life.
  • The Keyheld resource is a good place to start to find a variety of blogs that are pretty real and down-to-earth.
  • The Chastity Forum is also a good resource full of real-life people.
  • Talk to your husband. I can’t stress this enough. Good, honest, and open communication is crucial. How else are you going to figure out what’s working for both of you if you don’t talk about it?
  • Remember that this is supposed to be fun. You may find some aspects of chastity are life changing and that’s a little amazing, but don’t lose your sense of humor in the process.
  • If you don’t own one already, go and buy yourself a Hitachi and have your husband learn to use it effectively. In fact, just start thinking about toys in general. This is part of the fun. 🙂

Last but not least (and yes, I am going to blow my own horn)—I hope you’ll take time to peruse this blog. Please feel free to leave comments and if you want to send me questions privately, either through the Feedback page or via email, please do. I started writing this in large part because I did not see good resources out there for women and I wanted to do my little bit to change that. I hope you find the information helpful!

Good luck on your journey!

Stages of Acceptance and Eroticizing the Mundane February 13, 2011

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Two disparate trains of thought have been running through my mind over the past few days. I have been trying to pull them together because they seem to be related. Let me share them with you.

The first idea I was had to do with the various stages of acceptance a person goes through to accept chastity—or any fetish or kink that his/her partner may present. The scenario that I read most commonly usually has the man presenting an idea to his wife/girlfriend. Rarely do I see that these women are immediately accepting—in fact they may be totally opposed to the notion. The stages seem to be:

 

  • Total confusion
  • Shocked
  • Weirded out (may be as extreme as total revulsion)

    If the woman is moving to be GGG (good, giving, game) then

  • Laissez-faire
  • Cautiously curious
  • Grudging acceptance
  • Enthusiastic participant

From what I have read, some women may stay in the first three stages in an endless loop. Their attitude seems to be, “I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t understand why you want to do that, it’s just weird.” The man, in response, becomes defensive, dejected, perhaps angry or depressed. He may move into “stealth mode” meaning he will participate in the activity, unbeknownst to his wife. Clearly none of this is psychologically healthy for either person.

If the wife decides she is willing to entertain the idea, she moves to the next series of steps. “Laissez-faire” is characterized by an “Okay, if you want to, but don’t ask me to be involved” attitude. Her husband, happy now that he is able to do what was previously forbidden let’s her know that he is grateful; this in turn triggers a cautious curiosity and tentative willingness to learn more. “Grudging acceptance” in chastity might be characterized by, “I’ll take the key but don’t expect much else” or, “I’m willing to play along with this according to some specific ground rules.” The final stage, wherein issues are resolved, is when the wife becomes an enthusiastic participant. This is what I was touching on in this post where I explored the concept of being equally invested.

How long does this take? That is totally individual. It might be years, or maybe a few months. In some couples it may occur fairly quickly.

Kelmag’s blog, Secret Chastity Husband, seems to chart this process quite well. At first, his wife had no interest and in fact, thought that the whole idea was pretty awful. He went into stealth mode—just look at the title of his blog! But they were able to work through their issues and have gotten to what seems to be grudging acceptance. (I know kelmag reads my blog so I’m sure he’ll correct me if I have mischaracterized what he and his wife have gone through.)

I tried to apply this to Ab, me, and chastity. It didn’t entirely work but it wasn’t completely off the mark. One of the big differences was that I introduced the idea to him and—well, frankly, guys have sex on the brain, right? And if his wife brings up a sort of kinky, hot idea, isn’t the husband likely to go along? Ab was confused, at first—he’d never heard of chastity, after all—but quickly moved to the curious stage. Now he is very much an enthusiastic participant, as am I.

All of this got me thinking about other things he had expressed interest in, things I might not have been as willing to accept. I have mentioned before that Ab has a touch of cross-dresser in him—and I wasn’t all that enthusiastic. I’ve tried to analyze my reluctance and I think it’s the fact that he’s a masculine guy and I like masculine men. I had no interest him wearing a wig, make-up, or lacy, frilly women’s clothes. But it was an interest of his and I suspect he might have had some stealth moments that I wasn’t aware of. Either way, he didn’t force the issue and I didn’t bring it up.

This issue has been on my mind more in recent months. I mean, he’s got five ounces of metal screwed on his cock and balls because that’s what I want, so, perhaps I should try to be slightly more accommodating of what he wants. That was the genesis of the idea of a kilt for his birthday—manly enough for me but it’s still a skirt, which gives him that cross-dressing thrill. As a matter of fact, the kilt has been a huge success, so much so that I’m thinking of getting him another one. Not just a comfy kilt to wear around the house, but one of the “real” ones that he can wear out and about. Are you listening to me, Ab? 🙂

He likes wearing the kilt and it makes him happy, so I began to think about another item of clothing that would be manly enough for me and womanly enough to tickle his fetish bone. He off-handedly mentioned having a maid’s outfit for when he does chores around the house. I certainly wasn’t into a black satin thing with layers of petticoats (what maid really dresses like that, anyway?) but something utilitarian would be fine. Once again, Amazon is my friend. I ordered up the housekeeping dress pictured above. It fits well and looks quite nice on him, actually. And when he puts it on, he moves into full housekeeper mode: today he cleaned the house from top to bottom, fixed the drain on the sink, figured out what’s wrong with the broken dishwasher (and we ordered up the necessary part), cooked me a delicious lunch (homemade tomato soup with cheddar-sausage balls on the side) and has a delicious dinner (braised short ribs) bubbling away in the crockpot. Oh, and he washed the dishes because the dishwasher is kaput at the moment.

All this because of a $35 dress? I should have bought one years ago. Oh well, live and learn.

As I was puzzling this out, I read this blog post from Celtic Queen and had an “A-ha!” moment. Sexualizing or eroticizing the mundane. As I said above, guys have sex on the brain. As Celtic Queen discovered, and now I have too, we can use this to our advantage.

To women out there who might be resisting chastity, for whatever reason: try to get over that GGG hump and let your man enjoy it. You may end up with a clean house in the process.

The Phases of Dev February 1, 2011

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The other day, my mother returned to me a sweater that I had made for her many years ago. She has lost a lot of weight in the past year and the sweater is enormous on her now but alas, it fits me, which tells you what can happen over the span of thirty years and two children!

It’s a beautiful sweater, an Irish cable knit cardigan. The wool is from Ireland and it took me months to make it. Looking at it now, I am a little amazed that I did make it, since I retired my knitting needles many years ago. Sure, I still know how to knit but I don’t have any interest right now and I’m not sure I’ll be revisiting that phase of my life in the near future.

Ab and I got talking about this over lunch. “I do go through phases, don’t I?” I said. “My knitting phase, my weaving phase, naturism, Kindle…” Ab smiled. “And you’re a good sport to put up with all of them,” I continued. “I suppose you do get nice things out of them, like hand knit sweaters. That’s a bonus.” Although to be honest, I am not sure what he got out of the Kindle phase! (For the record, that one is still going on.)

And so, we are in the chastity phase and Ab is benefitting with all the attention and lots of sex. Sure, orgasms (for him) are missing but he seems to be okay with that since all the other stuff is really good. Or, at least he’s acting like it’s really good. From my side of the table, I can tell you that it’s great.

This definitely has all the hallmarks of a Dev phase: laser-focus intensity, a desire to learn as much as I possibly can, engaging with a community—blogging is new (is this a phase, too?) so on top of learning all I can about chastity, and putting it in place in our lives, I have also established myself with a blogging presence on the Internet.

This isn't the exact sweater I made, but it's pretty close.

My phases tend to go in cycles of two to four years. We’re six months in with chastity so I am not expecting it to end anytime soon, but I have to wonder. Ab will turn 60 in 2013. Will he still be wearing his Watchful Mistress then? Will he still be interested? Or will I have moved on to something else, pulling him along as I always do?

Over on the Chastity Forum, people have mused about never “going back” or never having chastity end. While I can understand that desire—when you are in the moment and enjoying something immensely, of course you don’t want it to end—but realistically, at least for me, I have to acknowledge my phases as part of who I am and how I live my life.

I don’t regret any of my phases. I’ve enjoyed them all and they’ve become part of the fabric of my life. I look back with fondness at the happily knitting woman who made gifts for everyone for Christmas, or the mad walker who hiked 60 miles across the state of Massachusetts (twice!) and raised $15,000 for breast cancer education and research in the process, or the geeky nerd who can happily spout off obscure trivia about the US interstate highway system…

Of course, maybe chastity is different. Maybe it’s not a phase but rather part of who I am and who I am becoming. The essence of Dev: wife, mother, nurse. Is chaste woman part of that persona? I honestly don’t know.

It was a comment from Mykey on Thumper’s blog that got me thinking about this, although the idea of phases was already on my mind from the sweater incident over the weekend. Mykey wrote:

A year or two of strict orgasm control did bring sandy and I together. It created strains also, but on balance was good for us.

Now the flr dynamic is behind us and I come when I like. It’s a strange feeling and I feel a keen sense of loss. However I have no interest in going back to being orgasm controlled and the longer time passes the less I want to actually go back.

His words, “a keen sense of loss” gave me pause and a bit of sadness. As I said above, my various phases have left me fulfilled and enriched. I don’t want chastity to end—if it is, in fact a phase and thus will end—on a down note with losing something, rather than gaining. We have gained much, as I have written about in this blog—enhanced intimacy, improved communication and a re-invigorated sex life. Even if the device goes into a drawer and the focus on orgasm control ends, I hope those other benefits don’t. And why should they? We certainly have the power to control them and keep the positive focus on what we have gained versus what we might lose. But still, things don’t always turn out the way we expect—or want them to. I have to be honest with myself about that.

As I said the other day, quoting my beloved Ennis Del Mar (yes, Brokeback Mountain was a phase, too), “Ain’t no reins on this one.” We’re riding the wave and enjoying every minute of chastity. If it’s destined to end in a few years, well then, that’s that. But for the moment, we are living in the moment and making the most of it.

What’s in store for the future, only time will tell.

Comments, as always, are welcome.

SWOT Analysis: Chastity January 26, 2011

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I know many people discover this blog as they search for information on chastity, trying to decide if they want to incorporate chastity into their relationship/marriage. As part of that learning process, people naturally consider the pros and cons. This got me thinking somewhat strategically about chastity and I decided brainstorm a SWOT analysis. SWOT: strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats. Traditionally, SWOT focuses on internal (strengths, weaknesses) and external (opportunities, threats) factors. I have decided to operationalize the internal factors (S,W) as the immediate, short-term effects of chastity while the external factors are the longer-term, larger repercussions of chastity on the relationship.

Typically, a SWOT analysis is conducted with a group of people brainstorming in a room. Since I am brainstorming by myself, I definitely welcome comments and suggestions: items that I have missed, which I will add to the lists and items that might be mis-categorized.

For me, the process of thinking this through has been a fun exercise. I hope it is helpful to others!

Strategic Objective: To determine whether to become a chaste couple.

Strengths

The most immediate and short-term effects that couples report from chastity are:

  • Increased intimacy
  • Improved communication
  • Enhanced sex life

Other benefits include:

  • For the man: feeling horny and sexually aroused, especially if he is wearing a device.
  • For the keyholder: feelings of power and control which can be enjoyable.
  • There is an increasing community of chastity enthusiasts on the Internet, thus an opportunity to make new friends.
  • Reading about chastity is an opportunity to broaden your horizons and learn something new.

Weaknesses

  • For couples who choose not to use the honor system, chastity requires purchase of a device which can cost, at a minimum, $150
  • For many (most?) men, wearing a device requires an adjustment/break-in period, which may be uncomfortable.
  • Behavior changes, ie, sitting down to urinate, decreased masturbation; these may not be acceptable to some.
  • Keyholder may perceive chastity as “work” or something else to do/be responsible for.
  • Learning curve requires an investment of time and effort.

Opportunities

  • Couples who engage in chastity report improvements in their relationship that are so profound that they do not want to “go back” to the old way of doing things. Even if they choose to stop using a device, they want to continue the positive benefits of increased intimacy, improved communication, and enhanced sex life.
  • Chastity provides a mechanism for couples to explore deeper needs, desires, and fantasies (“gateway kink” as coined by Tom Allen).

Threats

  • Chastity is not a panacea; for couples with a relationship that is fundamentally not healthy at the core, chastity is not going to fix it.
  • Chastity is a change and for many people, change in and of itself is threatening.
  • Chastity may be perceived as very kinky, weird, or “way out there”; those who are not sexually adventurous may have no interest in chastity as an activity or more broadly, lifestyle.
  • If chastity is a long-held desire by the initiator (often the man), bringing it up is a risk, especially if the other partner is not interested and in fact, may be repulsed by the idea.

Becoming Equally Invested January 6, 2011

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As has been noted on many blogs and forum posts, it seems that in the vast majority of cases, it is the man who first discovers chastity and brings up the idea to his wife/girlfriend. Ab and I are the exception—it was my idea. I know there are other couples out there like us—women have written to tell me so. I wonder if there is anyone where the idea occurred simultaneously where the light bulb went off over the man and woman’s head at the same time? It seems sort of doubtful but I thought I’d throw the question out there to see if anyone says yes, that’s what happened to us.

I bring this up because I know one things couples struggle with—it is certainly on my mind—is the notion of the “introducing partner” being more interested and invested in chastity. This can result in a certain level of insecurity, ie, will the day come when Ab says, “Dev, I don’t want to play anymore”? In fact, at the beginning of our chastity exploration we agreed that we’d try it until the end of the year, then that date got extended until March. For now, we’re playing by the rule that as long as we’re having fun, we can keep going. That is working for both of us and no end is in sight. This is good.

Even so, I still feel twinges of insecurity. I’m not exactly sure why since Ab is playing along completely by the guidelines we’ve established. He has his daily break but other than that, he’s locked up. I haven’t seen an unlocked cock since Christmas. My slight anxiety certainly has a benefit for Ab in that I work to keep sexual interest and attention high—that translates to lots of teasing, lots of intimacy, and lots of making love—albeit sans orgasm for Ab.

For the male-introducing couples, I know that men struggle with feeling like they are pressuring their wives or whining or begging for orgasms too much. They also worry that their wives will feel like chastity is “one more thing”—one more thing to worry about, whether that is teasing or paying attention. Locked men don’t like feeling neglected and asking for attention cycles back into pressuring. I can appreciate that it’s a fine line to find the right balance.

I had an interesting twinge yesterday. We had a particularly hot lovemaking session (it rated a nickel into the orgasm glass) at our usual 4:30 am time. Ab seemed more frustrated than I sensed before—more moaning, more groaning and he even mumbled, “Can’t I take this off? Can’t I have a turn?”

For introducing-men, they tell their keyholders that they want to be denied—don’t give in to their begging and pleading. But what about me? Does Ab really want to be denied or would he rather that I acquiesce to his request?

For the record, I didn’t. But afterwards, as we lay together and drifted off for a few more minutes sleep before the day began in earnest, I heard several loud, audible sighs. Were these sighs of frustration? Annoyance? Should I have pulled out the screwdriver and taken the Watchful Mistress off?

Two hours later, worry that I had “done something wrong” was further reinforced when I came into the kitchen. As I have mentioned before, Ab leaves for work quite a while before I get up. Every morning he leaves me a glass of grapefruit juice on the kitchen table next to my computer. He’s done this for years—way before chastity came into our lives. But yesterday—no juice. “Shit!” I thought. “Is he really pissed at me? Should I have let him come?”

This was on my mind all day. I didn’t want to text him or discuss on the phone—if this was a really big issue, I thought it was best that we have a face-to-face conversation. So I managed to contain myself until I got home—but I also managed to get myself home a little bit earlier than usual.

When I arrived, everything seemed completely normal. Ab was locked up and puttering around the kitchen. He poured me a glass of wine and asked me about my day. Finally, I screwed up my courage and said, “Are you mad at me?”

“Why would I be mad at you? What makes you think that?”

“You didn’t leave me a grapefruit juice this morning. That’s the first time in ages there hasn’t been a glass on the table.”

“You’re right. I didn’t.” He looked surprised.

“I thought maybe we were out of juice but then there was a carton in the refrigerator so I thought maybe you were mad.”

“If I were mad, would I have spent 45 minutes giving you a fabulous orgasm?”

“You seemed to enjoy it too…”

“Of course I enjoyed it. I enjoy all sexual attention and interaction. That’s a given.”

“Well, okay then…”

I paused, wondering what to say. The grapefruit juice was just forgotten, not a spiteful sign of anger. What about the post-coital sighs?

Meanwhile, Ab was telling me about his day—his ongoing frustration with a damaged UPS delivery and some other production problems. Then it hit me. He wasn’t sighing because of non-orgasmic frustration, he was sighing in anticipation of a difficult day ahead. I have to remember that sometimes, it’s not all about me.

I let the conversation go at that point. Maybe I should have brought up my concern that he really wants to come but wait a minute—that’s my job as keyholder, right? To keep that level of frustration at its horny peak. Perhaps what I am struggling with is that this is the first time I’ve really heard the frustration. All these months he’s been quite sanguine about the whole thing. Yesterday was a different experience.

Different, and once I got past my confusion and understood what was going on, very good.

And maybe, just maybe, we are getting to the point of being equally invested.

The Orgasm Glass January 4, 2011

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Last night at dinner, Ab and I were talking about the blog and chastity (so what else is new?). He enjoyed my post on Little Ab’s innermost thoughts. I commented that I was surprised at what a foul mouth Little Ab had and Ab replied, “That’s what happens when you become a prisoner and start hanging around with convicts.” LOL. He asked me when I posted the blog and I said late Sunday evening, before I went to bed.

“That’s surprising,” he said.

“Why?” I asked.

“I looked at the date and I saw that it was Sunday night, but during our lovemaking session this morning…well, that could have been the conversation. I was wondering how you wrote it in advance.”

“Maybe I am prescient,” I said with a wink. “Or maybe we said a lot of those things on Saturday morning. Remember, me laughing and joking about the fake thing?”

“Ah, okay,” he said. “I guess your orgasms all just blend into one these days…”

I raised an eyebrow. “Are you complaining?”

“No,” he laughed. “Actually, I had an idea. We should keep track of your orgasms.”

“Keep track of mine?”

“Well…” He didn’t come right out and say it, but the implication was clear. Mine will be pretty easy to keep track of, since there won’t be that many. Yours, on the other hand… I smiled to myself.

“How do you propose we keep track of them?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “Keep track on the blog? Or, you ask what the temperature is every day and then type it down. Do you have a diary?”

“A diary? No, not really. And on the blog…” I was skeptical.

“Or another idea. A long time ago, I heard this story. You should keep a jar next to the bed. The first year you are married, put a bean or something in the jar every time you have sex. Then, after the first year, for the rest of your married life, you take a bean out every time you have sex.”

“With the idea being that you’d never empty the jar? That’s a pretty depressing outlook on sex in marriage.”

Ab chuckled. “I suppose.”

“And I suppose we would have emptied the jar many times over. But let me think on this idea of keep track of my orgasms. Maybe I’ll come up with an idea I like.”

I tucked it in the back of my mind for my subconscious to work on and then this morning in the shower (I always do my best thinking in the shower), ta da! The Orgasm Glass. It builds on Ab’s jar idea, with a twist.

First, I found a pretty wine glass that we had pushed to the back of the wine glass rack in the pantry. I never use it for drinking wine because it has a long stem which, while attractive, is an accident waiting to happen, either spilling the wine or breaking the glass in two (or both). Then I got a pile of coins from the spare change stash in the cabinet.

This is my plan. Every time I have a “nice” orgasm (the garden variety nice kind), I’ll throw a penny in the glass. More spectacular orgasms are worth a nickel and the most stupendous of all (7 or above on the Dev Orgasm-O-Meter scale) will earn a dime. For every orgasm that Ab has, we’ll put a quarter in the glass.

We also have a handful of French francs, from a trip taken several years ago. Since French francs are now worthless (they switched to euros with the rest of the EU), I decided that for every ruined orgasm Ab has, we’ll put a franc in the glass.

I’ll be curious to see:

  • Can we fill up the entire glass? How long will that take?
  • How much will we have “earned” over the course of the year?
  • What is the breakdown of coins in the glass?

I’ll post periodic updates. Right now there is 6 cents: a nickel and a penny. I’ll leave it to my readers’ imaginations how we got to that point by January 4th. 😉

Loving Chastity December 29, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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There are a lot of chastity myths out there, ranging from the truly bizarre to the more subtle, “Could this really be true?” I can understand why a newcomer searching for information on chastity would be confused—I’m five months in and I still am perplexed by some of the stuff I read! Mikecb has done a nice job on his blog deconstructing some of the myths, either by exposing them as patently ridiculous or putting them in a larger context of understanding within a relationship (usually D/s). I have tried to take the opposite approach—presenting what Ab and I are really doing, from the perspective of a long-time married couple. Which brings me to today’s topic: loving chastity.

Without a doubt, the approach that Ab and I have to chastity is definitely from a loving context. The biggest benefits that we have seen have been much more intimacy, greater closeness, and improved communication. We’ve also begun to experiment a bit more sexually—spanking and tease and denial come to mind—but at the end of the day, for us, chastity is all about the love that is between us.

I wanted to make this explicit. Why? I am sure that other chaste couples would tell me that their relationship is all about love, too. But the thing is, I sometimes feel that the messages of love get lost in the commentary about humiliation, punishment, brutality, ruined orgasms, long-term denial, cuckolding, cream pie eating, etc., etc. Someone might write, “Of course I love my husband. That’s why I am beating his ass until it is shredded to ribbons!” but to me, that is more of an afterthought rather than a declaration of true affection.

Now I fully accept that this is me and where I am coming from. What other couples do is totally their business and more power to them. But, referencing the confused newcomer, as I said above—I want to make it clear that for us, we are operationalizing chastity from a place of deep love and affection. The way we express our love for each other now isn’t all that different from what we did a prior to August with one notable exception: penetrative intercourse is now a rare event. At least for the physical part.

The emotional part—there have been some pretty noticeable changes. I think other couples experience this too. Michael started a thread on the Chastity Forums asking if anyone wanted to “go back” to the way it was before. The overwhelming response was no. Even if a couple stopped practicing chastity (whatever that really means) they didn’t want to go back to fighting about sex or feeling being pressured for sex. Now, I don’t have particularly vivid memories of those two things, but I have admitted that I would pretend to be asleep while Ab masturbated next to me. So, obviously, our sex life wasn’t perfect. Is it perfect now? Probably not, but it is feeling a whole lot more vibrant and exciting than it was previously—or at least, a whole lot more vibrant and exciting more often than it was previously. That’s the part I don’t want to change.

So it’s all good. But as I look at the pattern of our lives, I see what we are going through now as the next step on the path we’ve been on since the day we’ve met. It’s the continuing growth and change that has existed between us since…forever. It wasn’t like I said, “Let’s try chastity,” and Ab shrugged his shoulders and said “Sure,” and life changed. It didn’t.

And maybe that is part of the difference that I am missing and thus don’t understand. I realize for a lot of couples, the dream of chastity is a long-held fantasy by the man. He’s wanted it, desired it, but doesn’t have the nerve to bring it up because he’s afraid his wife will have any range of emotions, but none of them accepting. For those couples, when the man gets his nerve up and blurts out his kinky fantasy—whether it be chastity alone or chastity and a few dozen other things—he’s putting himself out there, in such a way that if his wife does agree, life may in fact very well change. So maybe that explains part of my blind spot about some of what I read.

Even so, I still believe that even with a change such as introducing chastity into a marriage, which may have a big impact overall, those changes are still incremental. I really think the blogs that say, “I went to bed wearing a CB one night and the next thing I knew, my wife was a leather-clad whip whipping dominatrix!” are mostly the stuff of fantasy and imagination. A hot idea, perhaps, but for tentative newcomers, believe me when I say you can take chastity at a pace that works for you and at the same time, make it part of your lives in a realistic and meaningful way.

Because, that’s what Ab and I have done.