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Quotes from Ab: XII October 30, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings, Quotes from Ab.
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“You know, we have a wife-led relationship,” Ab said the other day.

“We do?” I replied.

He looked at me like I was a dummy. “Of course we do,” he said. “Think about it.”

So I thought about it.

He is right, of course. From the very beginning of our marriage—in fact, it probably started when we were dating and I took over his checkbook—I’ve been in charge. When we were first married, we rented a house that didn’t have a washer and dryer and so we had to go to the laundromat, a chore I never particularly enjoyed. He took that on without much discussion. We also only had one car. For me to get to work would have required a walk to the subway, then riding on the bus and then another walk to get to the hospital. I know, I know, thousands of people do this every day but getting up at 5 am to be at work by 8 didn’t particularly appeal to me, so Ab offered to be my chauffeur. I happily accepted.

Some might say, “You were newlyweds. Of course he was going to be super-nice in those days.” Maybe that’s true but super-nice never stopped.

Over the years, more chores and tasks have become his responsibility. We had cleaning people for quite a few years but when we documented a few incidents of theft, they had to go. At that time Ab pointed out that he could clean the house and we’d save $150/month. Fine with me.

We bought a John Deere tractor to mow the lawn (we have a big yard) and I liked driving around on it. But he complained about my grass mowing technique and so I said, “Fine. Do it yourself.” And he has, ever since.

Probably the last big chore I handed over was cooking and grocery shopping. This happened in 2006. One, I realized I was bored with cooking after 27 years and two, our daughter is a very picky eater. I was tired of her turning up her nose at everything I made and expecting me to prepare two meals, one for the family and one for her. So, I quit. This wasn’t done with any big fanfare or announcement. I just stopped. I am not sure I consciously even realized I had stopped. It just happened. After a few weeks of eating really strange meals, Ab stepped up to the plate and began to prepare dinner. Soon, he took charge of meal planning and grocery shopping. I bought him a copy of The Joy of Cooking and got a few subscriptions to cooking magazines with about-to-expire frequent flyer miles. (He is especially fond of Everyday Cooking from Martha Stewart. Just FYI.) I cook on occasion and when I do it is a treat for everyone—at least I think it is. LOL. Ab has turned into decent chef who is quite creative in searching out new recipes. Now that our daughter is off at college and he doesn’t try to cater to her food needs, he has gotten even more adventurous. It’s fun for us. (As I type this, he is steaming a lobster for some sort of exotic lobster dish. One advantage of living in New England…)

I have always handled the day-to-day money. The big things—mortgage, car loans, etc., have always been a shared decision but paying the bills? Ab doesn’t have a clue.

The one place where we have had totally shared responsibility is in raising our children. We were both completely invested in this and put in the time and energy required to be parents. And in this day and age—believe me, time required is a lot. But I don’t begrudge one minute we have spent being the very best parents we could possibly be.

My point? This is our life. This is our life for the 32 years we’ve been married plus the 11 months before when we were dating and engaged. I’ve always been in charge. But, up until a few months ago, I never heard the expression “wife led marriage,” “female led relationship,” “femdom,” or any variation thereof. It wasn’t on my radar screen.

The other thing that wasn’t on my radar screen were the accoutrements that seem to go with FLRs (or whatever) as described in various blogs. That is, we don’t have a contract (beyond the one we have specific to chastity that is described here). Ab is not being branded, pierced, beaten, whipped, forced to wear panties, diapers, or a bra; he is not handed a daily list of chores that he must complete and if he doesn’t complete them to my satisfaction, he is punished. That’s not happening in our household. I do not ask him to cook dinner naked (although sometimes he does that on his own but that has more to do with his enjoyment of being nude rather than any sort of subservient role to me). I don’t demand that he do certain things for me—massages, foot rubs, bringing me a glass of wine—but he often does. He does it because he loves me, not because we are in a FLR. And I do things for him for the very same reason.

Now chastity has entered our lives. Did I seek out chastity because I wanted more control or an additional tool for discipline? Absolutely not and regular readers of this blog will know that’s the truth. We discovered chastity as a hot game that intrigued us and one that we have come to learn we both enjoy; the unexpected benefit is that it has brought us enhanced communication and a greater understanding of our lives together. Part of that understanding, I must grudgingly admit, is that I am calling the shots and running the show, ie, a FLR, although I abhor that label and won’t be using it. I only bring it up so that other women and men who might be reading this blog and are trying to sort out what is going on between them can realize that a woman can be strong, confident, and assertive but that does not invariably lead to punishing, diapers, and cuckolding.

Trust me, I know what I am talking about. I have 32 years of experience.