the key is on my nipple ring

One Million Wackadoodles February 29, 2012

There’s a group out there called “One Million Moms” but you can see from my title above what I really think they should be called. The Moms have banded together to protect all of us, especially our children, from the filth that is invading American society–filth such as “immorality, violence, vulgarity and profanity.” Their strategy is to identify this loathsome stuff and then begin a letter writing campaign, usually accompanied by a boycott.

The OMM (and it should be noted, they are about 957K members short of their stated membership goal) first came to my attention when they mounted a boycott of J.C. Penney for hiring Ellen DeGeneres as a spokesperson. Their rationale?

Funny that JC Penney thinks hiring an open homosexual spokesperson will help their business when most of their customers are traditional families. More sales will be lost than gained unless they replace their spokesperson quickly. Unless JC Penney decides to be neutral in the culture war then their brand transformation will be unsuccessful.

That campaign didn’t go quite the way they expected. Instead of getting Ellen fired, she has been firmly supported by the store. Ellen went on her show and spoke of their support, saying,  “They [One Million Moms] wanted to get me fired and I am proud and happy to say that J.C. Penney stuck by their decision to make me their spokesperson.” You can see the video clip here. A fan started a Facebook page, One Million People Who Support Ellen for J.C. Penney, which right now has 194K likes.

Next those silly Moms decided to go after Archie because the latest issue features “a same sex wedding on the cover.” Now, interestingly, the Moms didn’t tell people not to buy the comic, but rather, to boycott Toys ‘R’ Us because they are selling the comic “openly” (? not sure how you sell a comic any other way, but whatever) at the front near the cash registers. Again, their rationale for this:

 Unfortunately, children are now being exposed to same-sex marriage in a toy store. This is the last place a parent would expect to be confronted with questions from their children on topics that are too complicated for them to understand. Issues of this nature are being introduced too early and too soon, which is becoming extremely common and unnecessary.

I went home and told Ab about this and he looked at me like I was crazy. “Dev,” he said, “if I was going to buy a comic book, the last place I would consider going to is Toys ‘R’ Us.” Good point, Ab.

Meanwhile, the CEO of Archie comics, John Goldwater, stands by the issue and characters, issuing this statement:

We stand by Life with Archie #16. As I’ve said before, Riverdale is a safe, welcoming place that does not judge anyone. It’s an idealized version of America that will hopefully become reality someday. We’re sorry the American Family Association/OneMillionMoms.com feels so negatively about our product, but they have every right to their opinion, just like we have the right to stand by ours. Kevin Keller will forever be a part of Riverdale, and he will live a happy, long life free of prejudice, hate and narrow-minded people.

Now, I should point out something about how the comic is distributed. Even though this is the February 15th issue, it has been on the newstand since January 15th. The March 15th issue began distribution on February 15th. What do you want to bet those silly Moms will take credit for their boycott being effective and claim that the comic was removed at their behest?

Just when I thought they couldn’t get any wackier, they decided to go after Liquid-Plumr because Clorox (parent company of L-P) has created an ad with “two sexy plumbers.”  And boy, are the Moms indiginant: “They are attempting to use sex to sell a product to unclog drains!” Gasp! The horror!

God forbid they point a link to the ad so someone could watch it and make up her mind about its inappropriateness–rather, they write a second-by-second description of what goes on:

The commercial starts off with a woman in a supermarket daydreaming about what this new Liquid-Plumr product has to offer. She says, “Double impact,” twice as she reads the bottle. In her dream she is at home and answers the door to find a sexy plumber. The plumber is nice looking with huge biceps and a tight shirt. He says, “I’m here to snake your drain.” She says come on in and he walks upstairs. The doorbell rings again and it is a second sexy plumber. He says, “I’m here to flush your pipe.” She answers with an okay and while he walks on upstairs she lets out a squeal and moan while letting down her hair. Then she wakes up to reality to find the two men in the supermarket. She flirts by giving sexy eyes to the one man in the deli slicing meat and the other in produce holding two melons. These two men are the same as in her dream. It may be coincidence, but the man in produce is standing beside cucumbers with a price sign behind him reading 69 cents.

Now my question is, how many times did this concerned Mom have to watch this ad to come up with this level of detail? And, as a Facebook friend pointed out, they picked up on details that would probably completely bypass the casual viewer. I certainly didn’t notice the 69 cent sign on my first, er, third, er, tenth viewing. 🙂

Since I’m not shy about what’s in the ad, here’s a link:   Enjoy. The plumbers are sexy and the woman with the plugged drain is pretty cute too, in a Tina Fey sort of way.

I have to say, I wonder what on earth those Moms would think of a woman who keeps her husband locked in a chastity device and can’t remember the last time he had an orgasm. Hmmm…. 😉