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I am Addicted to Faking Orgasms… September 5, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: , , , ,

…and I have been in recovery for a very long time.

I was fortunate to come of age in the late 60s/early 70s. The “Sexual Revolution” was in full swing, the prevailing philosophy was one of peace, love, and rock ‘n roll, and the scariest STD was gonorrhea. On the downside, there was no Internet, no alt.rec.sex usenet group, and no Dan Savage. Books on sexuality were few and far between: Human Sexual Response (1966) by Masters and Johnson—not really a “how-to” manual; The Joy of Sex (1972) by Alex Comfort—I tried to take this one out of the library and the librarian refused to sign it out to me because I wasn’t 18!; and Our Bodies, Ourselves (1973) from the Boston Women’s Health Collective which was useful, but covered a lot of stuff, not just sex.

In other words, I was adrift in a sea of sex without a compass or sextant.

I became sexually active just before I turned 16 with my steady high school boyfriend. We broke up my freshman year in college (we were long distance at that point) and I used those four years in college to my full advantage. I used to say that sex was/is the perfect recreational activity for college students: it is a great way to pass the time, it is a lot of fun, and it is cheap. What more could anyone ask for?

I thought, as everyone did at the time, that vaginal intercourse was the pièce de resistance and the way to have an orgasm. For sure—whoever I was with—we’d fool around and do stuff (no sex toys, though!) but the grand finale of any sexual encounter was getting fucked. The guy would pound away and come, I’d feel some twinges and that was that. I thought those twinges were an orgasm. In those days, ignorance was bliss.

I wish I could remember the first time I had a real orgasm. I was probably in my late twenties and it happened by accident but the actual experience was real. Suddenly, I realized that while the “little twinges” were a nice prelude, they were no substitute for the real thing.

It took awhile, but I finally came to understand and accept these truths about myself: 1. I am never, ever going to have an orgasm through vaginal intercourse. No matter how much I want it or how much I will it, it’s never going to happen because I am not built that way. Given that some experts estimate that this is true for 70% of women, I am not all that unusual. 2. To have an orgasm, I require direct and prolonged clitoral stimulation with a vibrator. Fingers and tongues, pleasant as they are, are not sufficient. I used to be embarrassed about my dependence on a vibrator. In fact, I once had a person tell me that I had “dulled” my clitoral nerve endings by being too dependent on a vibrator. He said that I should “wean” myself from the vibrator and I would be able to achieve an orgasm through manual stimulation. (Guess what? He was also feeding me the line that he could do it.) I have come to realize that this was a bunch of bullshit and I have made peace with my vibrator need. Heck, some people need hearing aids to hear. Is this any different?

So now we get to the faking orgasms problem. Note that I said above that I need prolonged stimulation. I have no idea how long this is (I am a pretty clinical, quantitative person but thank God I manage to keep my eyes off the clock during sex!) but it feels like a long time. That’s not necessarily a bad thing during the experience (for me) but it was a problem if I felt like my husband was getting bored. See, I was still laboring under the impression that what was best for him was getting his cock in there for a good old fashioned fuck. So, the routine would be: fool around, vibrate Dev to orgasm, finish with penile penetration. However, if the middle step—vibrate Dev to orgasm—was taking too long, then I would fake an orgasm so we could get to the last act of the play. Stupid, I know, but it became a habit—a very bad habit, and one that was hard to break. That is why I said above: I have been in recovery for a long time.

What I have realized over the past few years is that not every sexual interaction needs to end in orgasm, for either one or both partners. Since I am writing to an audience of male chastity practicers, their keyholders, or wannabees, I am probably preaching to the choir here, but I still think it’s an important point that needs to be made. For years, I believed that I had to have an orgasm, every single time, and if I couldn’t have a real one, I’d fake it. Now I know that’s not true. An orgasm not achieved is not necessarily a bad experience.

So how does this play out in a male chastity context? Let me see if I can put these thoughts together in a way that makes sense. I think that as a woman, I am probably not all that unusual (well, maybe I am, but I don’t think I am!). Women don’t wake up with erections. We don’t have wet dreams. Having an orgasm is much more of a learned behavior rather than an instinctual one. Once we learn how our bodies work, we can find exquisite pleasure in that long, slow build up to orgasm and our eventual release. We can also find pleasure in the build up that might end without release—I know I do (now that I know not to fake it).

Men, on the other hand, operate differently. They like to shoot and they are socialized to believe that this is the be-all and end-all to every single sexual encounter. But there is a certain segment of men—those who wish to be chaste—who see beyond this myth of ejaculation supremacy. They want to feel the exquisite agony of denial. They want to go through—maybe?—what we ladies go through? That long, slow build up with eventual release? Or no release? Maybe a component of chastity is a brain re-training process. Just like I got into the habit of faking orgasms, men are in the habit of ejaculating—because that’s what guys do. But there are men who see the desire and excitement in not orgasming through ejaculation and work to achieve that. How? Some just in their heads. Others with a device.

I am going to stop for now but don’t worry, I’ll be revisiting this topic, because it is of great interest to me—and fundamental to the sexual relationship that Ab and I have. It’s taken years, but I am slowly sorting things out.

Comments are welcome.


1. Billus - September 5, 2010

There are behavioral theories out there that suggest men evolved to have orgasms (and other species as well, presumably) mainly to make sure they would want to have sex often, leading to survival of the species. Orgasms for women are more or less an afterthought, or just a result of the required physical nerve pathways required for males. The thinking is that if females orgasm, fine; but it’s not essential for procreating. It’s similar to why men have nipples – women need them, so men get them as a side effect.

I don’t know how true that theory may be, but true or not, women certainly can orgasm, and as we all know, it’s different from the way men experience it. I do believe however that at some point, our big brains allow us to not always follow the path of our genes. Men can choose to experience sex without an orgasm or ejaculation, and women can revel in their orgasmic ability, even if they need more or extra stimulation. As you say, a vibrator may be like a hearing aid (or glasses). I think being able to behave in a certain fashion that runs counter to our physical desires is an important step towards the expression of ourselves as individuals, and as creatures capable of higher intelligence.

Not that chastity will make you smarter, but embracing the concepts of chastity may be a sign of somewhat deeper understanding, if only of ourselves.

devotedlvr - September 5, 2010

Yes, men orgasm frequently for procreation. That’s also the reason their testicles are outside their body: to keep the sperm contained within at the perfect temperature for viability, which is also a procreative adaptation.

I wonder when people started realizing that sex is fun and started having sex for fun? Marrying for love is a fairly recent concept (within the past 150-200 years). I wonder when sex became a recreational activity. It was probably earlier for men than women. Hm, something to go do some research on.

Thanks for your comment.


2. Paul - September 5, 2010

My wife also can’t climax through intercourse. For about ten years, our pattern was for her to hold a small vibrator against her clitoris while I penetrated her. One time after I had ejaculated (and we were *finished* with our session), she picked up the vibrator and sailed away to a second orgasm, solo. This made me jealous but very aroused. Jealous because I can’t have multiple orgasms but she clearly could. Excited because she was sexually confident enough to ensure that she was fully satisfied; and she is just smokin’ hot when she climaxes!. After thinking about it more, why should I be jealous? If she can keep going, why shouldn’t she? Also, there were plenty of times when I came and she didn’t, and what’s so bad about making up for lost time? This is part of what has lead us down the path of her controlling my orgasms. Frankly, I believe I have a fetish for her climaxes. It turns me on so much to see (and be a key part of) her orgasms. Rather than a “traditional” view that sex is over when the male climaxes (which is how it was for us for years and years), sex is over for us when she says it’s over, with or without my orgasm. If she wants to deny me, she will smile and say, “ok, it’s time for bed”. For most of this year, we’ve been running at a rate of between 4-5 female orgasms per each one I get.

Why do I get such a thrill from this? Part of it is the “agony of denial”. Other reasons: genuine fascination with her sexuality; enjoyment of her control of me (I am “in charge at work” and I love submitting to her); and the role reversal. I love being “used” by her sexually – like I am a worker bee and she is my Queen – although I don’t consider it as being used at all.

devotedlvr - September 5, 2010

“Frankly, I believe I have a fetish for her climaxes.”

Now that’s a great line! My husband would probably say the same thing. He tells me that he derives great pleasure from giving me pleasure. He’s been telling me this for several years. But my lizard-brain has stubbornly clung to the idea that he had to have an orgasm to be happy. Now that we are on the chastity path, I am being presented empiric proof that I can observe with my own two eyes that what he was saying was true. And because his orgasms are being denied—not because I am taking too long but because of a plastic device he has locked on his cock—I am feeling much less guilty about the whole thing.

God, why are we so complicated? LOL.

Thanks for your comment.


3. Grey - September 7, 2010

Great comments, and excellent finding your blog (thanks to Sarah). I have to totally agree with the ‘fetish for her climaxes’. I wish I had realized at a younger age how important this was to me, and how it should have ALWAYS been most important to me…

Thanks Dev… please continue your blog!

devotedlvr - September 7, 2010

Thanks, Grey for stopping by and welcome. Glad to have you here!

I really like this idea of a “fetish for her climaxes.” If we could get more men to realize this about themselves, think how happy their women would be…I wonder if there is an official fetish registration list…LOL. Just kidding, just kidding.


4. Could It Be…Maybe? « The Key is on my Nipple Ring - September 29, 2010

[…] relaxing and enjoying the warm tingly afterglow I realized that yes, this was the real thing. As a faking orgasm addict in recovery, my orgasm sensitivity meter is a little out of whack, but I am working on re-calibrating it. This […]

5. J Random reader - December 6, 2010

You covered a lot of ground! Intercourse as the piece de resistance. Your first orgasm. What works for you. Faking orgasm. Choosing sex without orgasm. This could have been a five part PBS mini-series. Great post! But this isn’t only one topic, not at all!

We “work to achieve that”, “excitement in not orgasming through ejaculation”. How? We’re not using a chastity device. I do tuck. I can’t get erect when tucked. And after, tucking takes away my erection.

Coupla things. Some women do so have wet dreams. And is a vibrator different from a hearing aid? I think so. Is it like the right sneakers? You’re just not going running without them. We can argue about running without the right sneakers. Maybe someone else can run some other way. But you’re just not, or at least not often anyway.

6. After Birthday Wrap-Up « the key is on my nipple ring - January 19, 2011

[…] better, I might add. The other thing that happened was that I very consciously would not let myself fake an orgasm. That’s another decision I made a few months ago: no more faking for this former faking […]

7. From the Mailbag: VII « the key is on my nipple ring - January 20, 2011

[…] his name, he’s the guy who won the Humbler in my limerick contest. He had a comment for my I am Addicted to Faking Orgasms post but for some strange reason, he couldn’t post it. I checked and comments are allowed so […]

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