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From the Mailbag: VI December 1, 2010

Posted by Dev in Correspondence, Musings.
Tags: , , ,

I received a great email the other day from a woman I’ll call “Leigh.” She started off by saying that reading my blog had been a wonderful experience for her—well, with an intro like that, naturally I am going to think that anything she has to say is great. LOL. Seriously, I really appreciate that she took the time to write and share her story—one that is becoming all too familiar.

Leigh explained that she and her husband have been married almost twenty years. Their children are in their late teens and pretty much independent, so Leigh and her husband have time for themselves again. Unfortunately, as she says, “the communication, feelings and love have been mediocre for some time.” She continues:

Our sex lives especially had become non existent and that is really the root of the problem. My husband simply was either not interested or couldn’t keep it up. This led to embarrassment and his pulling back. At my urging, he even went to several doctors and all could find nothing wrong. We tried Viagara (worked for awhile) but it too was a failure.

Then, a few weeks ago, she interrupted him in the shower and much to her surprise, found him masturbating with a nice erect cock. She was, in turn, stunned, embarrassed, and angry. She didn’t realize how much his masturbation habit was affecting their sex life; he had not been open about what he was doing. The more he masturbated, the more he covered up. Once again, a viscous circle.

Sound familiar? This is not the first time I’ve written about this problem!

Leigh started searching for a solution and came across male chastity. She noted that many of the blogs she read seemed to be pure fantasy: in her words “mistresses and slaves, etc.” But then she found my little scribblings and…

…your blog stood out as being from a real person with real experiences. I have read a good many of your entries (not all) and they truly make sense to me.

Thank you, Leigh!

After much discussion, Leigh and her husband purchased a CB-6000 which he is wearing now. She did note that she had some mixed feelings about chastity overall, but they were both willing to give it a try if it would help to restore the lost feelings and love. And now, just a few weeks later:

Anyway without your blog I probably would never had given this idea any serious consideration let alone actually try it. By the way our entire relationship has greatly improved in the past several weeks. We finally have some restored feeling and passion.

The last sentence is what made my day!

I have replied to Leigh privately but for other readers out there, I just wanted to make a few points.

  • I really appreciate when someone takes the time to write and share their feelings, either in an email or as a comment to a post. Thank you! For email, in particular, I know how it feels to screw your courage up and put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and share intimate details of your life. Please know that I respect what you have done and honor your bravery.  I do respond to all emails I receive—fortunately, at present, the volume is not overwhelming so I am able to do so. So please, if something is on your mind, write and share what you are thinking.
  • Leigh’s comment: “You stood out as being a real person with real experiences.” Yes, I am and every word in this blog is true. I’ve changed a few names but other than that, everything is the pure, unvarnished truth. My goal was and still is to share the experience Ab and I are having; one to document what we are going through and two, to help others. It makes my day to know that the latter goal is being achieved.
  • I continue to be amazed at just how powerful chastity is as an intervention. Whether a couple approaches it as a game to spice up their sex life or as a possible solution to a problem, such as Leigh experienced, chastity seems to have a remarkable ability to bring couples closer together, get them talking, and help restore lost passion. It surprises me that more professionals, such as sex therapists, are not discussing chastity as an approach in sex therapy. I guess we’re all just pioneers…LOL.

In my email response to Leigh, I encouraged her and her husband, if he is so inclined, to come participate at the Chastity Forum. I offer that invitation to anyone here who is reading this, too. As I say in my introduction, we’re a fun and friendly bunch of like-minded folks—people who are exploring how chastity can work in a relationship. While blogs are great for sharing information and thoughts, the forum provides a nice place for real-time discussion and interaction. Come join us!

There’s a New Blog on the Block October 31, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: , , , , ,

There’s a new blog on chastity that was started just a few days ago: Nuts4Belle. The reason I am pimping this is because it is being written by a man and his wife. Yay, another enthusiastic keyholder in the blogosphere! Seriously, the bloggers are jnuts and his wife Belle (not to be confused with Thumper’s Belle Fille). They are a couple with two young children and discovered chastity quite recently. They have been on the honor system for a few weeks and have a Jailbird on order. Their enthusiasm is contagious and I look forward to having both their perspectives come through in their blog.

It was a comment from Belle that got me thinking about my own relationship with Ab and partly what prompted my post yesterday. Belle wrote:

I am still struggling with “What if someone finds out?”, and more than anything the Dom/Sub thing scares me

I have commented on the “What is someone finds out?” issue in this blog (in a nutshell, it is unlikely they will and if they do, they probably won’t care) but I’ve stayed away from the Dom/sub topic. I am mostly going to stay away from it now but I just want to reiterate a point I was trying to make in yesterday’s post: chastity is not inevitably going to lead to an outcome that you don’t want. We’re all consenting adults and all we need to do is say, “Please stop. I don’t want to do this.” Or, “I don’t want to quite do it that way, but can we find a middle ground that will make both of us happy?”

An example of the latter is something that happened to us somewhat serendipitously in recent months, brought about by chastity.

I have known, for a long time, that Ab has a bit of a fetish for silky women’s undies. I know he’d like to wear them. Since I don’t wear them, there’s never been anything in my underwear drawer that he could “borrow.” Further, since he knew I wasn’t turned on by the idea of him in silky panties, he never went out and bought any for himself. So there it was, a fantasy unfulfilled.

When he started wearing the chastity device, he realized he needed some sort of underwear to provide support. His previous going commando lifestyle just didn’t work with a CB in his jeans. He broached the topic with me and hinted that he wanted something sexier than plain old white BVDs. I took the bait and actually came up with a great solution in the Mansilk thong that I discovered. It provided the support he needed (the primary reason for wearing something); I liked the look and he got to satisfy his silky undie fetish. Sounds like a win-win for both of us, don’t you think?

Chastity has also helped us bring some reality to Dom/sub fantasies that he has had. Again, for many years he has said to me that he’d like to be submissive. However, aside from playing a few tie-up games in bed, I wasn’t quite sure how to take that further in a way that would be comfortable for both of us. In the context of our day-to-day lives, he really is quite submissive (although I would prefer a different word, like devoted) but we “do” submissive in a polite and respectful way. I don’t demand and he anticipates; because he anticipates, I don’t need to demand. Does that make sense? Anyway, chastity has proven to be a good way for us to go a little bit further with submission. To be honest, I think he agreed to try chastity at the beginning because of the submissive dimension and in that regard, it’s working out well.

I’m in charge of his cock and orgasms. Total control has been given to me. In fact, I’ve had the opportunity to realize just how true this is in the past few days. He’s been in and out of his device—a combination of soreness, plus figuring out the most comfortable fit for the new Watchful Mistress—and he has proven himself to be completely trustworthy while on the honor system. When I asked him if he had masturbated or even considered it, he gave me a truly puzzled look. “Of course not,” he said. “You’re in charge. I don’t orgasm without your knowledge and consent.” He anticipates what I want, and behaves accordingly—but as readers of this blog know, a few months ago, that wasn’t the case, at least with respect to masturbation. Is he being submissive? I would say yes. More than prior to chastity? Well, of course, because I wasn’t in charge of his orgasms then. I am now…

But, for the moment, that’s as far as we are taking it. Things may change in the coming months as we continue to explore our limits and push our boundaries. And I guess that would be my other bit of advice to Belle and other women out there: even if the “Dom/sub thing” that scares you is in your future, it’s not going to happen overnight. Things can evolve slowly. That’s one of the nice things about chastity—being a game that’s played out over days and weeks rather than minutes and hours, you have plenty of time to think about things, discuss them with your husband, and then, if something is appealing, give it a try. And if something doesn’t float your boat, just say no. It’s that simple.

Tenga Eggs October 21, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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The Tenga eggs arrived yesterday from Amazon. These look like they are going to be very cool to play with. Maybe now I will finally figure out how to really “do” tease and denial! I decided to post a few pictures in case other readers are as unfamiliar with these as I am.

They are packed in a little egg carton, looking very adorable:


There are six different eggs in the package: Wavy, Clicker, Spider, Twister, Stepper, and Silky. I haven’t opened them all yet so I have no idea what the differences are between them. Each egg is individually wrapped. This is the wrapped Spider, followed by the partially unwrapped Clicker.

Once unwrapped, there is a plastic egg inside, just like the kind that holds jelly beans at Easter. The difference this time is that there is a much more adult jelly product contained within! 😉

The little opening at the end contains a tube and a packet of lube, all in Japanese. Fortunately, the ingredients are listed on the box in English: water, glycerin, hydroxyethylcellulose, sodium polyacrylate, methylparaben. Ah, no CPS! Of course, I suppose we could just use that old standby, Astroglide.

This is the inside of the Clicker. It’s very soft and squishy and I just know I am going to have a lot of fun playing with this on my sweet husband’s cock.

The instructions say this is a one use per egg product, although I have seen comments that if you carefully wash them and put them away, you can manage to get six to ten uses before they must be discarded. I suppose the longevity of each egg depends on the vigorousness of the teasing that goes on.

I suspect Ab will be getting out of his Jailbird sooner, rather than later, for some high quality naked cock playtime. 🙂 I’ll keep you posted.

From the Mailbag: IV October 19, 2010

Posted by Dev in Correspondence, Musings.
Tags: , , , ,

I received this terrific message from one of my email friends…

I think for us that’s the key, I make sure she is taken care of 90%-95% of the time and when it’s unlock time there is no expectations of what to expect, that it is sort of my time and my orgasm and really…when I’m done I am so happy, so in love with her, it makes it all worth it. She loves what it does for us. I am 57 she is 43, and I was like all the other males out there (I enjoyed your ED/masturbate blog). I jacked off daily, sometimes maybe twice, and when it was time for her and I to be intimate I sometimes had issues (no wonder) and went to the good doctor for Viagra. I hated the side effects. Then we got into male chastity (my idea) oh ya BCWYAF! It drove me wild! All I wanted was out of it in the beginning, I was so horny all the time but we stuck with it and it is amazing what it has done for us (for me). I do not need the pills. She said it’s harder (my cock) than it used to be and sex is just better…Dev I can’t believe more couples don’t try male chastity. My attitude and habits have changed and I love it. It sucks wearing a chastity belt everyday but as I told her, every pinch, everytime I bump it, I sit to pee I think of her and how much I love her and happy we are doing this!

I am glad to know I am not the only person who thinks there is a holistic solution to ED. Thanks for this message, my friend!

* * * * *

More from the mailbag…some ideas for fun and games…

I thought I would pass along some “fun” things to do with the Jailbird…as I am a huge fan of some bondage  my KH/GF bought some small link chain and 2 of the small Master padlocks at Home Depot and locked one of the padlocks and end of the chain to the JB cage and looped the other end around the bedpost slot and locked the chain with the other lock…took her about 1 minute and I was locked up!…  “There you go she said enjoy some lock up time,”….very effective and fast, she had me on about 8′ length of chain, I could walk around a little, lay down but I was not getting away….she went and read the paper…LOL

The idea of having a chain with a lock on the end of the Jailbird is incredibly hot… 😉

Another friend wrote and commented on the masturbation issue that I had described in an earlier post…

So instead of keeping him from masturbating, help him do it—do it together, help him finish, and so on. The Tenga is an awesome toy to play with this. The more he gets back to thinking of his orgasms as something that happens with you, the better everything will be. It’s also not a bad thing to trade off—just like he gets you off without coming, you can return the favor—takes the pressure off him, and that pressure and anxiety is the real enemy. It also fits nicely into chastity play—you’re in charge, and when he comes, it will be with you. I like that approach myself.

I didn’t know what a Tenga was and discovered that they are a masturbation “egg” that apparently is all the rage in Japan. Naturally, because chastity is costing me a small fortune, I had to go and order up a six-pack from Amazon. Free shipping with Prime and they’ll be here tomorrow!

Talk to the Hand from Dev’s Point of View October 15, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: , , ,

Over at Denying Thumper, Thumper wrote an absolutely excellent post on masturbation and some of the issues surrounding this practice and how it can affect a relationship. This seems to be a topic that comes up regularly among those of us who are discussing chastity, whether here, on Thumper’s blog, at the Chastity Forum, and other places. Clearly it is important and when thoughts are expressed certain ways, it can touch a nerve. Thumper articulately addressed many of these concerns. But I thought that one thing that was missing from his comments was a mention of age and thus, I decided to bring that up here.

Thumper wrote,

Men who masturbate instead of having sex with their wives are not sick or addicted or at fault. They’re just men.

I agree completely.

We live in a society that reveres and idolizes youth and virility. Look at any magazine and what do you see: beautiful, fit, lithe young people who you just know are having sex eight times a day and loving every minute of it. I sometimes long for the days when I was young, thin, and sexy and I could wear a bikini and make men drool just by walking. Ab tells me he loves me as the more mature, beautiful woman that I have become, the mother of our two children with curves and lovely full breasts. I know he’s being honest and truthful but even so, some days I wish I could turn back the clock.

I try to focus on the gifts that getting older has given me. I am a far wiser person at 55 than I was at 22. I am also more patient, kinder, and more loving to all the people around me. I try to find the good in every situation, no matter how bleak it seems. I am grateful for the many wonderful things in my life, especially those things that have come to me through hard work and perseverance.

But even with all those positives, I still must deal with occasional aches and pains and the fact that I don’t have unlimited energy and stamina. An exhausting week at work (like I had this week) leaves me physically and emotionally drained and it takes time to recover. I don’t have the bounce back I used to have. Little memory issues, too: I used to be able to remember every person I ever met. Maybe I’ve met too many people, but I find myself becoming embarrassed when I am re-introduced to someone and I don’t remember their name. And that’s happening more often. Sigh…

Sexual changes related to aging: women have to deal with perimenopausal symptoms such as decreased libido and vaginal dryness. I say a prayer of thanks every day that this hasn’t happened to me—yet, and hopefully never. I probably won’t be that lucky but I can dream. For men, probably the most obvious and “in your face” change is the gradually lengthening refractory period between orgasms. Men in their teens need what, an hour or two to recover? And then, over the years it turns into six hours, then twelve, then twenty-four. This is what had happened to Ab but he never told me until after he was wearing a chastity device and lines of communication became more honest and open. He told me that it was embarrassing to admit. The fact that he needed twenty-four hours to recover between orgasms was like a great big stamp on his forehead that said, “I’M OLD.”

Because Ab is a man, he likes to masturbate. See Thumper’s quote, above. My husband is no different. The problem that was creeping into our sexual relationship, largely unknown to me, was that he’d masturbate in the morning. If we then had sex in the evening, we often experienced a poor-quality erection and unsatisfying orgasm. I didn’t understand why because he wasn’t ‘fessing up to his refractory period and masturbation earlier in the day. This misunderstanding led to confusion and yes, hurt feelings. Some days, he’d hold off in the morning, anticipating sex in the evening. If that didn’t materialize, he’d be cranky, leading to more misunderstanding.

The pattern became an unfortunate cycle that I can see clearly now but was clueless at the time as to what was going on.

Factor into this two more things: I thought Ab wanted to orgasm because that’s what I thought was always the desired outcome for any man, especially my husband. Ab in his own mind was moving towards a more chaste experience and would say to me, “What makes me happy is to make you happy.” For whatever reason, he had come to recognize that he didn’t need to orgasm every time we had sex. But I didn’t/couldn’t really believe it so as a consequence, we were working at cross-purposes, which further exacerbated the misunderstandings between us.

Put on a chastity device, take his orgasm out of the equation and suddenly I could trust what he had been saying to me for the past few years. “My pleasure is your pleasure” became the truth and something I could accept and believe.

So, tying this back to Thumper’s post…when a man says, “We agreed I played with myself more than I should” (which makes Thumper’s teeth grate), he is not necessarily reflecting an attitude that masturbation is bad, nasty, or something to be ashamed of. Rather, the “playing too much” in the morning (or whenever) manifests itself later in the day as an unsatisfying sexual encounter for the couple for the reasons I have outlined above. Some women like to throw porn into the mix, ie, the idea that the man is fantasizing too much about the hot women he’s looking at on the Internet and this damps down his desire for his wife. I don’t buy this argument (this presumes, of course, that the man loves and desires his wife. If that is gone from the marriage, that’s a whole other issue.). I think it is a physiology problem, pure and simple, but one that is difficult for men to admit to and, for the reasons I outlined above, may result in a cycle that is difficult to break. Thus the couple may use chastity as a way to deal with the problem.

The shorthand for explaining the situation might be, “I was addicted to masturbation,” or “I played with myself more than I should.” The reality is more complex.

I find Thumper’s comment (referring to masturbation), “It’s natural and it’s fun and, yeah, I miss it,” interesting. Compare that to this comment on Cricketed’s blog, another man who admits that issues with masturbation were part of what brought he and his wife to chastity: “I can’t even imagine masturbating anymore. The idea of it strikes me as ridiculous, to tell the truth.” Obviously, these are two ends of a continuum. I sort of wonder where Ab sees himself now on that line, and where he’ll be six months from now, or a year. Time will tell.

Another comment on shorthand language: I have written here and there that we are using chastity as a way to address what might be described as an erectile dysfunction (ED) problem. Note that Ab has not been to the doctor and received a formal diagnosis of ED. I am using the term more as shorthand for “poor quality erections as a result of a long refractory period which is exacerbated by daily masturbation, usually in the morning.” Phew, that’s a mouthful! One outcome I am hoping for as part of our experiment with chastity is that both erectile and ejaculatory quality is enhanced as a result of this period of denial. I am firmly of the mind that his quasi-ED is rooted in masturbatory behavior and doesn’t have another organic cause. But I may be wrong and if so, we may choose to seek out medical consultation to address the issue. However, given that I am not seeing any signs of alterations in testosterone levels nor am I seeing any s/s that would suggest his prostate is enlarged (another common cause of ED), I was not willing to immediately jump to a medical solution to what might be a fairly simple and easily treatable problem. I’ve said it before: I believe that too many people have a tendency to immediately accept the pharmacological intervention, when there may be a non-pharm option that works just as well, without the attendant issues of introducing medication into your system. This is what we are trying.

As always, comments are welcome and encouraged.

It’s Here and It’s Locked On! October 1, 2010

Posted by Dev in Devices, Musings.
Tags: , , ,

The Jailbird is here, on, locked, and oh man, is it a thing of beauty!

It arrived yesterday and Ab ramped up the excitement by sending me a picture of the box in the mailbox. Thursday is one of my late nights to work and last night I was there right up to the last minute. Some evenings I might be able to leave an hour or so early but naturally, when I am excited to get home, things keep popping up at the last minute, delaying my departure. Last night was one of those nights.

Ab was waiting for me on the steps. He was, clearly, as excited as me but unlike when the Birdcage arrived, which he had opened and put on before I got home, this time he waited.

The Jailbird was packed in a little faux-suede pouch with “MM” handwritten on the front. Mature Metal is clearly a one-person business but I like that. No more mass-produced chastity devices for us! We’ve gone from a cheap, off the rack suit to a custom made bespoke tuxedo. My husband deserves the best. 😉

When we took the Jailbird out my first thought was, “This thing is small.” It’s very small. I mean, scarily small. I know my husband’s cock isn’t porn-star size, but I never thought it was particularly petite, either. I had ordered small because I wanted snug but looking at the cage, I had a moment of panic. Had I gone overboard in the sizing down department? I had used the measurements of the CB-6000s and Mr. MM’s advice on what size to select. Here’s a refresher for what we chose:

CB: Length: 2 1/2″; inside diameter: 1 3/8″; ring: 1 3/4″; gap: 1/4″ (smallest spacer)

Jailbird: Length: 2″; inside diameter: 1 1/4″; ring: 1 3/4″; gap: 1/4″

Well, no going back. This is what we had and if it was too small, we’d deal with that problem later. Right now was the moment so see if we could get the damn thing on.

Ab started slow. First the ring, which is a solid metal ring. It’s supposedly oval but as others have noted, it’s the roundest oval I’ve seen in a while. Ab was used to a solid ring like this as it was the same on the Birdcage (the CB doesn’t have a solid ring, as most people here probably know). He tugged and pulled, getting his balls in first, then poking his cock through. Success! The ring seemed to fit properly.

Now the cage. He started to fiddle but realized quickly he needed some lubricant—body lotion is his moisturizer of choice. He rubbed some on then started to slide the cage on again.

Observant readers will realize, of course, that all this manipulating and fiddling was causing his cock to have a natural reaction which wasn’t helping the size issue. LOL. As Lucy Fairbourne pointed out in her keyholder book, if a man gets off on the idea of being locked up, then the actual act of being locked up is going to be stimulating. Makes sense, right? Ab is no exception.

We paused, waited a minute, then slid and wiggled some more. Eventually, he got the cage on completely on and started to work to close the gap, getting the pin from the ring through the tube on the cage. Gentle push, gentle push—I didn’t want to pinch his skin. Finally, we had the holes lined up. Now to put in the lock.

At this moment, we realized we were at a really bad angle relative to each other, plus I was having a hard time seeing anything. I needed to sit to be at eye level to his cock, plus I needed a better light. We moved to the table, took a deep breath and got back to work.

The Masterlock (from the CB-6000s) is a very tight fit. We wiggled it in and snapped it shut, but Ab was worried that there wasn’t enough play. So we took that off and went with the other lock we have, the fairly cheap looking WolfDog. The shackle on that one is a bit thinner (probably a millimeter). Now I learn from the Chastity Forums that the lock is what keeps the device from rotating around. Ah, okay. We may be switching back to the Masterlock this evening.

Finally, it’s on, it’s locked, and I stepped back to admire my well-dressed husband—or should I say, my well-dressed cock? Either way, it looked great. His balls were sort of pillowing up on the side and the Jailbird was nestled in the middle, looking like a piece of fine jewelry on display just for me. Gorgeous!

And I am so glad he’s back in metal. It sends a very Zen message: “I wear metal and I’m man enough to let my wife lock me up.” It really contradicts that sissy-femmy stuff you hear so much about.

Twelve hours later, he tells me he’s a little sore in a few new places but overall, it’s comfortable and feels good. It’s about 3 oz heavier than the CB, but because it’s snug and tight, that seems to balance out the weight.

I can’t wait to get home and see it again!

* * * * *

Last night, Ab confessed to me that he broke the no touching rule while he was out of the device yesterday. He told me that he looked at some porn and masturbated a little during his lunch break, but no orgasm.

“How was your erection?” I asked.

“Not great,” he admitted. I wondered if that was his baby boomer guilt kicking in. Like all of us who grew up learning how to “play well with others,” Ab has one of those consciences that makes him atone for his sins, even when he hasn’t done anything wrong! I can sympathize. I am the same way.

This was a useful learning experience. I told him I trusted him, I expected a certain type of behavior and I got…a human response. I mean, this was the man who prior to August 16th was masturbating daily. I really expected him to stop completely—this soon? I think that will take a while. His various devices have been adequate deterrents but clearly the temptation to play when he had the opportunity overruled his mental honor system. Now I know that I need to be vigilant and keep him locked, 24/7.

He has 173 hours until his scheduled release on October 8th. My plan is to keep him locked from now ’til then. The JB will only come off if something needs adjustment or fixing related to the new device. That’s it.

Have I mentioned lately how much fun this all is? More later…