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Getting the Ladies on Board September 21, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: , , ,

As I have been playing this chastity game for about a month, I have increasingly come to the realization that it’s best as a couple’s game where both partners are eager participants. I mean, any game is more fun when both players are into it, right? What fun would it be to play Scrabble with someone who says s/he hates the game and every time you play a high scoring word, flips  the board over and throws all the tiles in your face. Not much, I think. On the other hand, if your potential partner says, “I don’t really like Scrabble because I am not a very good speller,” well, that would seem to be an opportunity to provide some education and demonstrate how and why Scrabble is a fun game.

Same with chastity.

As a woman who suggested chastity to my husband, I am in a minority. The more common scenario is one of a man who has confessed a long-held and secret desire to his wife/partner and she is struggling with the idea. So while I have come to chastity from a different angle and thus have a slightly different dynamic in the game I am playing with my husband, I am still a woman and I understand how women think. Thus for the struggling/reluctant wife, I’d like to throw out a few ideas to possibly make the whole notion of chastity more intriguing.

I am writing this primarily to the women out there but to the men who read this, I’ll try to offer a few suggestions as to how you can turn it around from your point of view. Ideally, it would be best if you could get your wife/partner to read this post; if she really doesn’t like online forums and such, maybe you can cut and paste it into an email and send it to her. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to automatically convert text posts into MP3 files that she could listen to on her iPod. Sorry!

Okay, to begin.

First off, ladies, think of the entire concept as a game. A game just like Scrabble, Parcheesi, or Monopoly. It’s supposed to be fun. If it’s not fun, what can you do to change that? If your husband has come to you, wringing his hands and acting all serious, look him right in the eye and say, “Lighten up, sweetheart. You want me to play this game with you? Then tell me what’s fun about it and what’s in it for me.” For the men, think about how you are presenting chastity. Yes, you may be expressing a long-held fantasy and for you, that’s serious stuff (and it is) but in the moment, it needs to be fun. Find the humor and playfulness in the game and capitalize on that.

Second—lots of websites and blogs present this as a life-changing event. And although that may be true the fact is, most of us are adverse to change. Major changes cause stress and anxiety—-it is much better to take baby steps towards the goal. So, ladies—if your husband has presented you with any info about chastity (website, Sarah’s book, or something else), you may be reading that he’s going to undergo a total personality transformation and you are a little worried about that. As well you should be! I would be worried too.

But I don’t think that’s true and even if it is, it is certainly not going to happen overnight. But here’s a little test you can do to see if you can cope with the “chastity changes.” (And yes, there will be changes.) Take a minute to think: what is some little thing that he does (or doesn’t do) that drives you nuts. Something that you have asked him to change and for whatever reason, he hasn’t. It should be—and will likely be—something fairly small and minor but it is like a mosquito buzzing in your ear. Some ideas: after his shower, he always leaves his wet towels dropped on the floor, rather than putting them back on the rack or in the hamper. He never hangs the bathmat back up after a shower. He uses the last ice cube in the tray and doesn’t bother making more ice (this is clearly for folks who don’t have an automatic ice maker in their freezer—there are a few of us left in the world!). He never puts the lid down on the toilet. He takes the clothes out of the dryer, but doesn’t clean the lint off the filter. He drinks the last of the milk or juice in the refrigerator but leaves the empty bottle on the counter (or worse yet, puts it back in the refrigerator!). Get the idea? What is your pet peeve?

So now, he tells you he wants to play the chastity game, tells you he’ll be a better, more loving, more attentive husband—here’s your chance to put that into action in a way that will be meaningful to you. Simply say, “Okay, honey, here’s the plan. For years I have asked you to do “X” and you never do. It drives me nuts. So now I am asking you, once again, to do “X.” If I see a definite change and “X” is happening, then we can talk about the next stage of this chastity game that has you so hot and bothered.” For “X,” substitute the pet peeve that you have identified.

(The male corollary is to figure out the thing that she’s been asking you to do—think back to the minor, petty annoyances that seem to be a big deal to her but you never understood why she cared so much. Start doing that thing and see if she notices. DO NOT BRING IT UP YOURSELF. The key will be if she catches on to the change. Believe me, if it’s something that has been bugging her for ages, she will.)

Third, again, for the ladies: you cannot—CANNOT—approach chastity as something that is weird, unnatural, bizarre, embarrassing or shameful. If you have any of those ideas in your mind, you must set them aside. I know this may seem hard or challenging but as long as you perceive chastity as somehow strange or odd, you’ll never be a full player in the game. And your goal is to be a full player. Remember, you are the poor speller who wants to be a Scrabble tournament champion—and that can happen. (Actually, being a pro at chastity is easier than playing Scrabble, I think. :-))

When you are feeling weird about chastity, keep these points in mind:

  • This is between you and your husband. No one else will ever know. It’s your private business. If someone else thinks it’s weird, that’s their problem, not yours.
  • This is something that is important to your husband and makes him happy. What have you done previously to make him happy? How much work and effort, on your part, was involved in that endeavor? Chastity is probably pretty minor, in the big scheme of things.
  • Monogamy is considered an essential pillar in the construct of marriage. It is an ideal that many couples strive for—and fail to attain. He’s handing you the keys to his sexuality and thus, the monogamy between you. This is weird? I think not.

Fourth, chastity—at least the way most modern couples are playing the game—will involve a device. From posts I have read, many women are reluctant or hold back because they don’t like the device. They think it is ugly or strange and ask their husband to cover it up with undies. This becomes a barrier.

Going back to my previous comment, seeing his device as ugly reinforces the “weird” scenario. You need to move beyond that. Look at what he is giving you. You have control of his cock, his  orgasms, his sexuality. That’s a pretty heady feeling.

That said, he’s likely in one of the polycarbonate CB devices because they are the most available and cheap. And yes, they are not the most attractive thing on the planet. So use this as an excuse to go shopping. What’s sexy to you? Having his cock all encased in metal? Wearing a belt that encircles his hips with chains on his ass? I personally like the more open and airy look of a cage device, plus I like metal (the whole “locked in but accessible” thing turns me on). Whatever. Start by getting him to show you the different websites that sell chastity devices. (Believe me, he’ll have them all bookmarked.) Be open minded about what you like for style and design. Let your taste rule. Many of the devices require a piercing to secure them in place. Does that freak you out? Does that freak him out? Say, “I like this one, babycakes…” Every time I say the words “Prince Albert” to my husband, he goes pale in the face. I can’t—and won’t—force my husband to get a piercing but it is still a major turn-on for both of us. Make his fantasies work for you. And then, order up a device that you like to look at and want to play with. When it arrives, make a big deal of putting it on and letting him parade around the bedroom. Remember, this is something he’s proud of. Use that to your advantage.

I am going to stop now but I will probably have more to say on this subject. Meanwhile, as I always say: comments are welcome. In this case, I particularly welcome comments from the ladies but anyone is welcome to join in the fray.


1. Grey - September 21, 2010

Great post Dev… and I hope this discussion continues, as this is the big hurdle in this game. I have not read, but am curious about the Cosmo cover this month ‘Own His Orgasm’ article, that I hope may spark the thinking for this play.

devotedlvr - September 21, 2010

Thanks, Grey. Glad you enjoyed the post. I’ve been trying to get a copy of Cosmo but haven’t yet. There is a beauty shop next door but I don’t think they have a subscription. 😦

I do plan to continue this conversation in the blog.


atone44 - September 21, 2010

I was in borders over the weekend and found that issue of cosmo. As expected it didn’t have anything even remotely suggesting locking your man up in a steel chastity cage and holding the key hanging on your nipple ring.

It didn’t even suggest making your man wait, even until you were satisfied. It was mostly tips by men of things their women could do to them to make their (the mens) orgasm better. I would say it was disappointing if it wasn’t exactly what I expected.

And yes, good post, I might have to print it out and give it to my wife.


2. devotedlvr - September 21, 2010

Thanks for doing the on-ground research, A. Glad to know I have a man in the field. 🙂

I was surfing the Cosmo website today looking for the article (no luck). But I did glance at a few of their other sex tips. Some were good, some not so good. There was one related to becoming un-dependent on a vibrator (a pet peeve of mine). Probably most annoying was the implicit assumption that every single sexual endeavor between a man and a woman has to end in an orgasm for both of them. That’s not true and I’ve known that for years—even before our chastity game began.

One tip I did appreciate, however, was the advantage of a long-term lover who knows you and knows what you like/what works. Since Ab is the first man who ever gave me an orgasm and knows how to do it well, I often tell him that he doesn’t have to worry that I’ll kick him to the curb. I’m too old and tired to train someone else to do the deed. 🙂


3. Review: Male Chastity A Guide for Keyholders « The Key is on my Nipple Ring - September 26, 2010

[…] what they can gain from it. This, unfortunately, may be a deterrent for some women. As I noted in this post the other day, a woman who is presented with chastity as a major lifestyle choice in which her […]

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