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Our Sexual Evolution February 7, 2011

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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Back in August, when we started on our chastity journey, one of the first things I did was read Sarah Jameson’s book, Be Careful What You Wish For. It’s a good book and I certainly recommend it, as I said in this review. One concept that was new to me, however, and which Sarah discussed quite a bit, was the idea of tease and denial.

I can hear you snickering now. “You didn’t know about teasing?”

Well, of course I did. The thing is, I called that foreplay. And foreplay needed to be followed by middleplay and endplay. In other words, we’d do lots of teasing but eventually we got to the main event: intercourse. I had orgasms on a somewhat inconsistent basis. For a long time Ab always did get to come but as I have related, in recent years that was a problem—one that became more apparent as we started in with chastity.

So, I had to reframe my thinking around tease and denial.

Once I discovered that Ab’s mantra, “Your pleasure is my pleasure” was true, I started getting selfish. I’d tease him and make him moan and groan, but every single sexual encounter had to end with me having an orgasm. And it was pretty great. I’d hazard a guess that I had more orgasms from September through January (five months) than I had in the previous five years.

Maybe I overdid it or got a little punch drunk from the experience, but things seem to be shifting here in February.

We’re still having lots of sex but I am realizing it’s okay for me to be teased, too. I don’t have to get all the way to orgasm. In fact, here it is, February 7th and so far, only a nickel has gone into the orgasm glass this month. But I am still having lots of fun and getting teased and feeling all tingly and hot all over. I am not complaining about the lack of orgasms but realizing that it seems to be a shift in the way we do things in bed.

(I find I am also fantasizing a lot more about spanking Ab and getting myself really hot with that idea.)

The other day, I downloaded and read the sample of Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow by Marnia Robinson. I am not sure I am going to buy the book and read the whole thing because frankly, it seems like one of those books that has one basic idea that is repeated ad infinitum for 400+ pages. (Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá had the same problem, which is why I gave up reading that about one-third of the way in. But I digress.) Anyway, Robinson’s thesis is that what we typically engage in is procreative, that is, orgasmic sex. She advocates, instead, bonding-based sex which is non-orgasmic but still mutually satisfying. Bonding-based sex is advantageous because it alters the release of various hormones and chemicals in our bodies which in turn affects our mood. Kelmag wrote a very good synopsis of all of this on his blog which you can read here; Robinson and her husband Gary maintain a website called Reuniting where they also expound on their ideas.

Living with a mostly non-orgasmic man for the past six months, I can certainly see changes in his demeanor which may very well be the result of internal biochemical changes. The thing that is surprising to me is that I suddenly seem to be moving in the same direction—or at least okay with the idea. That’s a change that has occurred and been noticeable to me in the past week or so.

Is this a true shift or just the by-product of a long winter with a serious case of cabin fever? Who knows. Time will tell.

The thing that is interesting to me as I move through this process is that I am having a greater awareness of how different activities, such as spanking, can be intensely erotic. I didn’t completely understand that before but my mind is opening more to these experiences as part of our sexual repertoire.

Comments, as always, are welcome particularly because this is area I am still working through in my mind and I suspect I will be revisiting within the blog.


1. kelmag - February 7, 2011


Thanks for the mention and link. By the way, I communicated with Marnia through a forum on her web site. I suggested she do some research on the Male chastity community as it seemed a tailor made population segment in which to test out her theories. She was disappointingly dismissive and derisive in her comments about male chastity and chastity devices. I called her on it and she apologized for the language she used but maintained that it was not of interest to her – too fringe and bizarre for her was the impression I got. I thought her attitude was particularly close minded in view of her criticism of sex researchers who won’t test her theories because they consider non-orgasmic sex a dysfunction and won’t impose that condition on test subjects. Even the occasional orgasm for males in MC and the frequent orgasms for females is too much for her – not in the spirit of non-bonding orgasm and found the devices “artificial.” I guess we have a non-orgasm “Taliban” too.

devotedlvr - February 9, 2011

I went to the reuniting site and read some of the comments about chastity. You are right about being dismissive! Oh well. I had heard about this which was another reason I wasn’t real keen on reading the whole book.

Thanks for your comment, Kelmag.


2. mikecb - February 7, 2011

Dev, this all makes total sense to me. Why should us guys have all the T&D fun. As I’ve stated before, remaining chaste and denied is like really prolonged foreplay. It’s delicious.

As for other kinks increasing the eroticism, all I can say is “Hell, yeah!” hehe. As a pain slut, the endorphin rush of pain play can be nearly as satisfying as orgasm. I think that’s true of other forms of sexual expression through eroticism, too. For example, the rush that people get from being the Top/Dom(me) in pain play is highly erotic and satisfying (as I understand it!)

It’s interesting that your journey as a chaste couple may literally lead to longer periods of chastity for BOTH of you, but a highly erotic and sexually charged experience.


3. Michael - February 8, 2011

Hi Dev,

I’ve asked Melissa if she was turned on by the thought of being teased and denied and she came back with a big no.

She doesn’t even like to be touched sexually unless she knows she can keep going to an orgasm. To be teased would only make her frustrated in a bad way.

But that’s okay – she’d rather do it to me anyway!


devotedlvr - February 9, 2011

Two months ago, I would have had that same big NO, which just reinforces there is a process or evolution going on here.

However, if you read today’s post, it’s obvious that non-orgasm for Dev is not a permanent thing. LOL. I wouldn’t stand for that!


4. femsup - February 11, 2011

Why not go for a little time without an orgasm.It will that much more sweet when it comes.You will be able to be even more sympatico with your hubby.

As I understand it though a womans libido will tail off if she goes without an orgasm for too long whereas a males desire will increase.

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