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A Daily Chastity Check-In November 16, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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I realized yesterday, somewhat in response to a blog post at Nuts4Belle, that Ab and I talk about chastity every single day. It may be only a minute or two or some days we’ll talk for an hour or more, but the bottom line is that chastity is on the daily conversational agenda. At the beginning, it was hot and new and exciting and of course we wanted to talk about it endlessly. Now things have settled down to more of a routine but even so, I think our daily chastity check-in is tremendously important.

Talk about chastity daily? Why? Is there really that much to say?

Yes, I think there is. If you believe the thesis that chastity is more than a game, as I discussed here, and that it has the potential to profoundly affect a relationship, then it is certainly a topic that should be discussed regularly. For me, “regularly” is at present, daily. Will that change? Right now, I don’t think so. Ab and I use our daily check-in to clarify expectations, ask questions, and clear up misunderstandings. My favorite recently cleared-up misunderstanding is when he revealed to me that he is as into chastity as I am. That had been a source of anxiety for me, as regular readers will attest. For the moment, my mind is at ease on that issue. An expectation that we regularly re-visit is the fact that he has access to the key. That is not the usual paradigm—in fact, the way things are right now, technically I am not even a keyholder! But, our contract states that I am in charge and thus, we are constantly revisiting this ground rule to assess how things are going. Being in charge is tremendously important to me but I want to keep being charge in a way that ensures we are both having fun—another part of our contract. We also re-visit the issue that he is locked up, the third element of our contract. “Locked up” means no self-stimulation or orgasm, even in the moments when he is not physically locked-up. As it stands right now, he is living up to his part of the bargain. Our agreement remains in force. Our daily check-ins are important to assess this.

Reading the comments on jnuts blog, some men make it clear that having a daily conversation might be difficult. For example, Shane wrote:

While I would love to have a chastity-chat every night, I’m pretty sure this is the last thing my wife wants. Dev, I think your situation is very unique in that you initiated the chastity play. You’re also a prolific sex blogger, so it’s a normal thing for you to think about sex all day, if not every hour of the day. The communication problem is real; the question is how to have this communication without alienating her.

First, thank you for the compliment…and the promotion! I agree, lately I am probably thinking about sex more than your average person, male or female. Your point, “the communication problem is real,” is very well taken.

In another comment, Michael wrote:

I think it is difficult for us men because we are always aware of our chastity (especially if we are in a device). Our women, however, do not have that constant physical reminder. For me, sometimes I have to remind myself that just because I’m (almost always) thinking about it doesn’t mean she is.

My take-away on both these comments is that chastity is on your minds on a more-or-less constant basis and as a result it is tremendously important to you—thus it is a worthy topic of conversation with your wife. I think that anything that is on someone’s mind is important for discussion—isn’t that part of the reason for being married? To share and converse? I certainly talk about what’s going on at work, people that are driving me crazy; Ab does the same. We talk about our children. We talk about my mom. We talk about the pets and our old house. And because it is on my mind, we talk about chastity.

We talk about chastity because I am thinking about it and it’s important to me. I don’t know if Ab is thinking about it. Now you might argue that of course he’s thinking about it—how could he not? He’s got five ounces of steel locked on his cock. But sometimes he ignores my playful little text messages and other times he tells me that he forgets he is wearing a device. So to be honest, I don’t know if he is thinking about chastity—I am not a mind reader after all—but because I am and it’s important to me, I bring it up daily as a topic of conversation. Having done this for three months now, it has become an expectation for us and routine in our lives.

I appreciate that men might find it hard to bring up—the alienation issue is real—and so I would say to the women out there: if you are going to get into chastity with your husband, you should be willing to devote five minutes of your day, at least, to a chastity conversation, or as I titled it above, “a daily chastity check-in.” It doesn’t have to be lengthy and it doesn’t have to be deep, but from where I sit, even a brief mention is important.

It helps with that being ignored feeling that jnuts was experiencing.

It helps to understand, “Why are we doing this, anyway?” My answer to that question would be very different today than it was three months ago and conversations have been central to this process.

It helps with keeping the communication channels open, which for many, including Ab and me, is the wonderful, unexpected by-product of chastity. I have said, repeatedly, and this sentiment is echoed in various blogs and forums, that chastity has an amazing positive effect on communication in a couple. I have certainly witnessed this firsthand and the community of chaste folks seem to support this.

I would further to suggest to any woman reading this that you be the initiator of the conversation. Just as your husband may have had feelings that he pressured you for sex—which might be one of the things that got you into chastity in the first place—he may also perceive that bringing up the topic for conversation is a similar sort of pressure. So, take the weight off his shoulders and bring it up yourself.

If you’ve read Lucy Fairbourne’s book, Male Chastity: A Guide for Keyholders, you might be saying to me, “Dev, you’ve got it all wrong. Lucy says:

The subject of male chastity might crop up in conversations between you at first (your man might find it particularly interesting)…There’s no need for you to allow this to become an obsession…If necessary, put your foot down and tell him not to mention it anymore unless he has an actual problem to report.

To that I would say, rip out that page of the book. I think that Fairbourne, not me, has it totally wrong and that is the reason I marked the book down a star in my review. Couples moving into a chaste lifestyle need to be talking about it, regularly, for all the reasons I have outlined in this post. I think Fairbourne’s suggestion to squelch conversation is a recipe for disaster. Thinking over the various issues that have popped up in the past few months—most of them small but some no so—if Ab and I hadn’t been talking about them, I don’t know where we’d be in this chastity journey. But I suspect that we wouldn’t be at the good place we are now.

Finally, everything gets easier with practice and repetition which is why I think a daily check-in is important. Having a two minute conversation every day is easier than having a “big” conversation once a week—at least it is for me. And, the more I put off those big conversations, the harder they are to get going which is why I am of the mind to talk a little bit, every day, about the things that are important.

That probably explains why I blog almost every day, too. 🙂

As always, comments are welcome.

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Comments»

1. Michael - November 17, 2010

Dev,

Sometimes I do say just one thing to Melissa. Most often, I say, “I haven’t done anything I shouldn’t do.” I say that because we’re still using the honor system until my Jailbird arrives.

It’s my screw-up that’s set us back a bit in MC. The first two weeks were so exciting for both of us, and then I went ahead and pressured her and before we knew what happened we had an ugly fight – and I was by far gave the worst of it.

So now we’re both still committed to MC, but we’re proceeding a bit slower. Realizing this isn’t a game, but a change of how we relate to one another, we’re moving forward trying not to burn out by having our expectations too high that everyday will be full of chaste passion. Sometimes it’s a simmer that lingers for days, you know?

Plus, Melissa has never been one to talk easily about sex. For example, I love talking naughty to one another, (and so does she), but it’s much harder for her to say something. She gets nervous and tongue tied that she will say the wrong thing. So talking about MC is new for her too. I have all the hope in the world that as time goes on she will warm up to discussing it more openly with me.

I love your blog and your thoughts over at the forums.

Michael

devotedlvr - November 17, 2010

Thanks for your comment, Michael. If you go back and read this post, you’ll see that Ab and I a pretty big argument about 3-4 weeks into our chaste lives. For us, it wasn’t a result of pressure, but I do think we had the same level of excitement that suddenly ends with a crash. Like you, we needed to step back and re-assess. The interesting thing is that at that point, I was enough into chastity that I knew I didn’t want to give it up, so I/we needed to figure out a way to make it work. I think, for us, we had the same realization that it is a fundamental change in how we relate to each other. It’s a little scary to suddenly know that, isn’t it? No wonder tempers flare–I think that is a very natural reaction under the circumstances.

I am glad you love the blog. Compliments like that make all the hard work worth it!

D

2. Shane - November 17, 2010

Sometimes I wish I was a fly on your kitchen wall (not the least of which is because I know that’s your favorite room to play in, ha!), but your blog really is the next best thing. I think I can see how this works for you and Ab — chastity is just another topic of conversation. A short and playful talk, will the drama kept to a minimum and possibly all together absent on most days. And despite what I wrote on jnut’s blog, I think this could work for Lucy and me at this point in our chaste relationship (I love that phrase, btw) — the benefits have been undeniable, and she’s more invested now in male chastity as something we do as a couple.

We have a long and sordid history of painful false starts when it comes to realizing my many kinks, so much so that I’ve come to equate “talk” with “pressure.” I can see now that it doesn’t have to be that way. But I’m also treading gingerly, as I don’t trust myself to not fuck this up!

Thanks for another great post!

Shane

devotedlvr - November 17, 2010

Hi Shane, thanks for your comment. I always love it when you drop in…

As with everything in this chastity journey, our check-ins didn’t happen automatically and had to be realized, which is part of why I thought posting about it might be helpful to others. When chastity was brand new we were blabbing about it constantly. Then after a few weeks, when the newness wore off, I started to feel like maybe I was talking about chastity too much and driving Ab crazy (the reverse of the guy-putting-the-pressure on his wife thing). So I tried to tone it down. Then we had an argument, which I posted about here. The underlying theme of that fight was crossed signals on expectations for each other. It was then I realized that we really did need to check-in daily to make sure we were both on track and on the same page.

In order to keeping the feeling of pressure off, I try to make it fun: “Okay, we’re done talking about the serious stuff, let’s talk about something fun: SEX!” The other thing that has helped is having the conversation at the same time every day: during dinner. So now it is an expectation and we do check-in everyday. To me, it’s important and has made a big difference. I hope you and Lucy are able to make it work for you, too.

D

3. mykey - November 17, 2010

totally agree 100% !! Communication is key.

4. Dave English - November 23, 2010

Wow. You have no idea how jealous some of us out here are. My wife and I lead a chaste lifestyle. We have done so for nearly 5 years. At one time, I’ve gone over a year without orgasm.

At this point, we agree completely – no more conventional sex. She likes me to pleasure her. And I like to pleasure her. We don’t ever want to do anything else. We’re pretty set on her having all the orgasms from now on. I’m totally happy with that, and she is totally happy with that.

There’s just one problem – she wants nothing to do with a chastity device. I’ve tried them – two actually. First, the Birdlocked, then a MM Pet Trap. The first was more of a toy. The second, I found it completely amazing to wear. I did not want to take it off – ever. The fit was not perfect, but this could have been worked around.

However, my wife’s objections could not. She didn’t like it, thought it was too weird and never wanted to see it again. This from a woman who has accepted and led a chaste lifestyle, at my suggestion, for years. I’ve been very good about being honest and not ‘cheating’ at this game, but not perfect. I felt a device could help me. She did not, she wants me to stay chaste purely through self control.

Needless to say, this is difficult! Yes, I absolutely love being chaste, going without orgasm for months and staying completely devoted to her… but give me a bad day with stress at work and a fight with her, and my resolve may fail. These are the times I wish I could be kept in chastity by her.

Not to mention, wearing a chastity device FEELS GOOD! Especially good when I pleasure her. I’ve tried it a few times, despite her objection, and found it fun and pleasant. Not always 100% comfortable, but like I said, the fit is not perfect.

Still, she has no interest in either short-term or long term devices. I’m not submissive, more dominant and leading, in fact, and so since it was my idea to try this lifestyle to begin with, she wants to hold me to my word.

It’s very frustrating for me to have her to dismiss this as a fetish / fantasy, yet unconditionally accept the chaste lifestyle, and based on what I’ve read from other men who have gone to the trouble to introduce this to their spouses, it’s not uncommon.

To have a woman lead her partner into this to begin with is an unimaginably, ridiculous stroke of good luck. I totally think any couple would benefit from a chaste lifestyle if only they were open-minded enough to accept it.

I was not even open at first. I read about the benefits of this, did not believe it, but for some reason, wanted to try it anyway, but this is a whole other story…

5. Dev Puts on Her Advice Hat « The Key is on my Nipple Ring - November 24, 2010

[…] Puts on Her Advice Hat Yesterday, I received this comment in response to one of my blog posts: You have no idea how jealous some of us out here are. My wife […]


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