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Dev Puts on Her Advice Hat November 24, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: , , , ,

Yesterday, I received this comment in response to one of my blog posts:

You have no idea how jealous some of us out here are. My wife and I lead a chaste lifestyle. We have done so for nearly 5 years. At one time, I’ve gone over a year without orgasm.

At this point, we agree completely – no more conventional sex. She likes me to pleasure her. And I like to pleasure her. We don’t ever want to do anything else. We’re pretty set on her having all the orgasms from now on. I’m totally happy with that, and she is totally happy with that.

There’s just one problem – she wants nothing to do with a chastity device. I’ve tried them – two actually. First, the Birdlocked, then a MM Pet Trap. The first was more of a toy. The second, I found it completely amazing to wear. I did not want to take it off – ever. The fit was not perfect, but this could have been worked around.

However, my wife’s objections could not. She didn’t like it, thought it was too weird and never wanted to see it again. This from a woman who has accepted and led a chaste lifestyle, at my suggestion, for years. I’ve been very good about being honest and not ‘cheating’ at this game, but not perfect. I felt a device could help me. She did not, she wants me to stay chaste purely through self control.

Needless to say, this is difficult! Yes, I absolutely love being chaste, going without orgasm for months and staying completely devoted to her… but give me a bad day with stress at work and a fight with her, and my resolve may fail. These are the times I wish I could be kept in chastity by her.

Not to mention, wearing a chastity device FEELS GOOD! Especially good when I pleasure her. I’ve tried it a few times, despite her objection, and found it fun and pleasant. Not always 100% comfortable, but like I said, the fit is not perfect.

Still, she has no interest in either short-term or long term devices. I’m not submissive, more dominant and leading, in fact, and so since it was my idea to try this lifestyle to begin with, she wants to hold me to my word.

It’s very frustrating for me to have her to dismiss this as a fetish/fantasy, yet unconditionally accept the chaste lifestyle, and based on what I’ve read from other men who have gone to the trouble to introduce this to their spouses, it’s not uncommon.

To have a woman lead her partner into this to begin with is an unimaginably, ridiculous stroke of good luck. I totally think any couple would benefit from a chaste lifestyle if only they were open-minded enough to accept it.

I was not even open at first. I read about the benefits of this, did not believe it, but for some reason, wanted to try it anyway, but this is a whole other story…

I have been thinking about this comment for the past 24 hours. The poster, Dave, did not ask for my advice but I am going to give some:


You say that we are incredibly lucky and people out there are jealous…you know who is incredibly lucky? Your wife. I mean, seriously. Talk about being in the driver’s seat, having her cake, and eating it too! This woman has it all.

And from where I sit, it looks like you are asking for a slice of cake and she’s not even giving you a few crumbs. Time to stop being the baker and hang up your oven mitts—at least until she’s willing to meet you halfway.

Seriously, I can understand where you are coming from. You were the one who introduced chastity to her, even with some reluctance on your part (“…did not believe it,”) but she was willing to give it a go. As the “introducing partner” I know the feeling of worrying that my spouse will suddenly say, “This has been fun, but I’m not interested anymore.” I feel an obligation to keep the interest up and keep him engaged so that he’ll want to wear his device and live this chaste life with me. We are partners, after all, and a married couple. He’s not a slave or a victim. He has the right to opt out. Since I have gotten to the point that I don’t want him to opt out, I am highly invested in keeping the “game” going.

Sounds like you are doing the same thing.

But Dave, really…we’ve been at this three months. You’ve been at it five years. You write: At this point, we agree completely – no more conventional sex. So, it sounds like the opt out issue is not a major concern of yours right now.

But wearing a device is and that’s a goal you want to achieve. From the sound of your letter, she’s not willing to meet you halfway. And realistically, why should she? Like I said above, she has it all. What incentive does she have to let you wear a device? None, that I can see. She hates the thing and thinks it is ugly. Meanwhile, things are going just swimmingly, from her orgasm and life perspective, so why should she rock the boat?

Thus I think you need to do a little boat rocking.

I’ve quoted GGG from Dan Savage before: good, giving, game. It’s an important principle. She was GGG when you brought up chastity five years ago. She was willing to give it a try, even if she didn’t fully understand why you were asking. But she could tell it was important to you and open minded about the concept. That’s GGG.

Then, here you are, five years later and you two are fully invested in the lifestyle. Chastity has become the new normal for the two of you. It’s not something you are trying or experimenting with. It just is. And according to what you write, it will likely be for many years to come, if not forever.

Now, you are asking her to be GGG again. You want to wear a chastity device. She refuses to let you or to consider its usage in your relationship. You have explained why it is important to you: it would help you be honest, it would help you not cheat. Stressful days take their toll and your resolve can be weak. Secondarily, you want a device because it feels good on you and heightens your pleasure when you are pleasuring her.

I am assuming you have explained all these reasons to her—many times. And yet, she still says no.

Well then, it seems like it is time to take her candy away, at least until she’s willing to sit down and work out a compromise. Because really, if it’s important to you then it should be important to her to meet your needs. She needs to be GGG. If that’s impossible, then you have to ask if chastity is really the best thing for both of you. Since she’s been GGG before, I would hope that she could find her way to do so again.

She doesn’t have to immediately agree to device usage 24/7. You may never get to that point—and that may not even be a goal. But there are steps you can take: wearing the device for a portion of the day, at your discretion; you keep control of the key; you do not expect her to play with/touch the device; you do not wear the device when you are making love. These seem to be a starting point for discussion and negotiation. Eventually you can both find a middle ground that is comfortable for both of you.

However, until she is willing to be open and discuss, maybe you need to tell her that for the moment, the bakery is closed.

Like I said above, you didn’t ask for my advice, so please feel free to completely ignore this post. But your comment did get me thinking and I wanted to share my thoughts.




1. mikecb - November 24, 2010

I’m with you on this one Dev. I was chanting “GGG” while I read that, too!

My only other suggestion would be to say “fuck it” and start wearing the MM device, whether she likes it or not. It would show her that you’re VERY interested in wearing it, and after weeks or months, perhaps she’ll get over whatever reservations she has, and take charge of the keys. In the mean time, she has no lever to make you take it off. She can’t withhold sex… she already is! lol. You’re not in an FLR, so what’s she going to do?

I agree with Dev. You should force this issue to a head, one way or another.


2. devotedlvr - November 25, 2010

Thanks for your support, Mike, and also, good suggestion. Another option if Dave chooses to listen to either of us.


3. Mykey - November 26, 2010

I’m with you dev. Have my cake and eat it doesn’t work for most couples. Both partners need their needs met. Even most serious Dom sub couples will be meeting many of the subs needs. Only in the vanilla / semi vanilla world do we see this kind of imbalance with sex. I say rock the boat until she listens carefully to your needs too.


4. devotedlvr - November 26, 2010

Thanks for your comment, Mykey. I appreciate your support.

Interesting idea that vanilla couples have an imbalance with sex. I am going to think on that.


5. Mykey - November 26, 2010

Well it’s a generalisation of course. But I find that many of them are mismatched in so many ways. I think once you embrace kink you are more in tune with yourself, makes it easier to look out for your partners needs too. Generalised but playing the probabilities I reckon more kinky couples will feel supported sexually than non.


6. Dave - December 14, 2010

Hi, thanks for the advice. I should mention that her objection was not about the kink factor, it was about safety. She didn’t think it was a healthy idea to wear something like this and have an injury or something happen.

I did have a traumatic genital injury in the past (accident, not kink related) during which we both thought I was going to lose pretty much all sexual function. Recovery was slow and painful and it took years for the scar tissue to heal. As such, she didn’t want something else to come along and risk retriggering some part of that injury all over again. Incidentally, this is part of the reason we ended up on this train, I was physically incapable of having intercourse for several months and so we were looking for something else fun to do… we ended up settling on giving her orgasms.

I think it’s a bit harder for her to jump right in to this because of that injury. For what it’s worth, my wearing has confirmed that it is indeed pretty safe, I’ve done a couple overnight wear tests and was reasonably comfortable, although I think I should probably get a slightly looser base ring.

And there is no key, I adapted the MM to have a screw lock instead, I found the padlock too bulky and visible under clothing. I’ve extremely mechanically inclined, dexterous, and also have extremely flexible parts, so not only would it not be a problem for me to remove just about any locking system, I can also remove Mr. Dave from the cage without unlocking the device (even past pullout pins). A piercing would not make this any more secure, as I’m pretty sure I’d be able to remove the piercing inside the cage (I have just about every tool you can imagine, and can think of several ways to do it). I’d need an elaborate system for true anti pull-out security, which still wouldn’t be enough, as I can actually orgasm inside the device. I may order a new device to see if I can make that more difficult without compromising safety, but going with a much smaller tube I’ll be risking circulation issues. Shorter tubes do not help with my anatomy, I’ll pop out the back of the tube and get a “base” erection with a lot of visible Mr. Dave to play with. I’m hoping a slightly longer and tighter tube will do the trick.

So to sum up, basically, the purpose of the device is symbolic, it is not effective or secure at the purported task, I’m honest and 100% capable of self control anyway, so most of the dynamics of key-holding are meaningless, and she has concerns about it causing problems from a health aspect. In that sense, it is less effective than a simple promise or vow.

I still like it because it feels good to get turned on in the device, it makes it possible to get very aroused without danger of going over the threshold. I’ve worn it a couple time since, with her, and she hasn’t objected yet, so it may yet become a part of our life, but I can’t see her getting excited about it anytime soon.

BTW, I love the name of your household. Devoted actually comes from latin, de-vovere, to give away by a vow. Much akin to what is done with a vow of chastity, it seems very appropriate.

7. Dave - December 15, 2010

Well, I’ve decided to take your advice. I’m going to reintroduce it and have a long term plan to actually be keyheld.

Right now, the device I have isn’t really suitable for long term wear, I have trouble overnight, and haven’t ever made it past 36 hours. I think I got too small of a base ring. I may send it back to get a new one made.

Still, we can use this for play for now. I’d like to introduce it to her gradually, then make it a rule that I always wear it when we make love. I may wear it around the house. Probably not at night.

Eventually once she accepts it, I’d like to switch to a different device. I just discovered the Steelheart today, another custom made device, but with a custom sized tube. This would be fairly ideal, although I do like the Pet Trap, I would prefer to have no access to Mr. Dave, which a tube would provide.

After some point, she would probably be given the key, although it will only be for hygiene that the device will be removed, and only on weekdays when we go to the gym together. Weights and metal pants do not mix. Still it would nice to have a routine where she locks me back up.

Sorry, I don’t want to hijack your blog, maybe I should start my own, but I do thank you for the advice. Hopefully it will work out well.

devotedlvr - December 15, 2010

Dave, you are not hijacking at all. Thanks for your comments and sorry I haven’t had a chance to reply. Life has been hectic.

Might I suggest that you, and your KH, if she is so inclined, join us at Chastity Forums: http://www.chastityforums.com. It’s a very friendly group of like-minded folks who I think would be happy to support you in your journey and give suggestions on the best device, size, etc.

Good luck and stay in touch….


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