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The Phases of Dev February 1, 2011

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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The other day, my mother returned to me a sweater that I had made for her many years ago. She has lost a lot of weight in the past year and the sweater is enormous on her now but alas, it fits me, which tells you what can happen over the span of thirty years and two children!

It’s a beautiful sweater, an Irish cable knit cardigan. The wool is from Ireland and it took me months to make it. Looking at it now, I am a little amazed that I did make it, since I retired my knitting needles many years ago. Sure, I still know how to knit but I don’t have any interest right now and I’m not sure I’ll be revisiting that phase of my life in the near future.

Ab and I got talking about this over lunch. “I do go through phases, don’t I?” I said. “My knitting phase, my weaving phase, naturism, Kindle…” Ab smiled. “And you’re a good sport to put up with all of them,” I continued. “I suppose you do get nice things out of them, like hand knit sweaters. That’s a bonus.” Although to be honest, I am not sure what he got out of the Kindle phase! (For the record, that one is still going on.)

And so, we are in the chastity phase and Ab is benefitting with all the attention and lots of sex. Sure, orgasms (for him) are missing but he seems to be okay with that since all the other stuff is really good. Or, at least he’s acting like it’s really good. From my side of the table, I can tell you that it’s great.

This definitely has all the hallmarks of a Dev phase: laser-focus intensity, a desire to learn as much as I possibly can, engaging with a community—blogging is new (is this a phase, too?) so on top of learning all I can about chastity, and putting it in place in our lives, I have also established myself with a blogging presence on the Internet.

This isn't the exact sweater I made, but it's pretty close.

My phases tend to go in cycles of two to four years. We’re six months in with chastity so I am not expecting it to end anytime soon, but I have to wonder. Ab will turn 60 in 2013. Will he still be wearing his Watchful Mistress then? Will he still be interested? Or will I have moved on to something else, pulling him along as I always do?

Over on the Chastity Forum, people have mused about never “going back” or never having chastity end. While I can understand that desire—when you are in the moment and enjoying something immensely, of course you don’t want it to end—but realistically, at least for me, I have to acknowledge my phases as part of who I am and how I live my life.

I don’t regret any of my phases. I’ve enjoyed them all and they’ve become part of the fabric of my life. I look back with fondness at the happily knitting woman who made gifts for everyone for Christmas, or the mad walker who hiked 60 miles across the state of Massachusetts (twice!) and raised $15,000 for breast cancer education and research in the process, or the geeky nerd who can happily spout off obscure trivia about the US interstate highway system…

Of course, maybe chastity is different. Maybe it’s not a phase but rather part of who I am and who I am becoming. The essence of Dev: wife, mother, nurse. Is chaste woman part of that persona? I honestly don’t know.

It was a comment from Mykey on Thumper’s blog that got me thinking about this, although the idea of phases was already on my mind from the sweater incident over the weekend. Mykey wrote:

A year or two of strict orgasm control did bring sandy and I together. It created strains also, but on balance was good for us.

Now the flr dynamic is behind us and I come when I like. It’s a strange feeling and I feel a keen sense of loss. However I have no interest in going back to being orgasm controlled and the longer time passes the less I want to actually go back.

His words, “a keen sense of loss” gave me pause and a bit of sadness. As I said above, my various phases have left me fulfilled and enriched. I don’t want chastity to end—if it is, in fact a phase and thus will end—on a down note with losing something, rather than gaining. We have gained much, as I have written about in this blog—enhanced intimacy, improved communication and a re-invigorated sex life. Even if the device goes into a drawer and the focus on orgasm control ends, I hope those other benefits don’t. And why should they? We certainly have the power to control them and keep the positive focus on what we have gained versus what we might lose. But still, things don’t always turn out the way we expect—or want them to. I have to be honest with myself about that.

As I said the other day, quoting my beloved Ennis Del Mar (yes, Brokeback Mountain was a phase, too), “Ain’t no reins on this one.” We’re riding the wave and enjoying every minute of chastity. If it’s destined to end in a few years, well then, that’s that. But for the moment, we are living in the moment and making the most of it.

What’s in store for the future, only time will tell.

Comments, as always, are welcome.



1. servingB - February 1, 2011

I like your phases because many people have benefited from them – not just yourself! Here’s to your blogging phase.

devotedlvr - February 1, 2011

Thank you, sB! I really do enjoy blogging and I love feedback. Thanks for your comment and welcome to the blog.


2. missh213 - February 1, 2011

So well written, Dev. And, once again, you’ve written a post that make me wonder if you’re in my head. I also go through phases, which I attribute to my mild ADD (diagnosed as an adult, but now so many things make sense). I stumble upon a new interest (ceramics, journaling, cross stitch, cooking) and hyperfocus, until I move onto something else, always enjoying the time I spent with each interest.

I’m really enjoying my experience with male chastity, too, but the idea of “never going back” is stifling to me. He and I do what we love to do, as long as we love to do it. Happily, our interests vary and our relationship is strong, and we easily move on to the next thing (or back to that previous thing we liked). All of this happens without us having to acknowledge it. It’s a natural part of being Us.

Thank you for such a thoughtful post!

3. Shadesofme - February 2, 2011


Phases have been a big part of my life. I think it is my OCD tendencies that makes me dive in head first on new and fun things. My wife will comment periodically to her friends in a joking way that she is nervous about the “next phase”.

My cycle is usually @ 5 years. I do wish I was more balanced in my every day living but I do enjoy immersing myself into the current phase. A little selfish I suppose. MC has been great as it is something we are doing together. If it ends as a phase then hopefully we will always hang on to a piece of it so we can continue to enjoy it’s fun.

As always, thanks for your thought provoking posts.


4. tcs - February 2, 2011

I’ve been interested in chastity since college (half my life now), and it has been a very cyclical or episodic thing for me/us. Sometimes we do more with it over the course of days, weeks, or months, and then take a break from it do to circumstances, sometimes for long stretches of time. It has always been an irony that I am less interested in chastity when my drive is lower or when there is less bonding with my spouse. I’ve been sick over the last week, for example. Or other times, work or kids can get in the way. All of that being said, there has been an uptick in chastity practice with my spouse over the last few years.

Have you taken Myers Briggs? Idealists (e.g., ENFP’s) can tend to get very interested in certain things for periods of time, and then move on to new ideas.

devotedlvr - February 2, 2011

I have done Myers Briggs. I am an ENTJ.


atone44 - February 5, 2011

Me too, ENTJ. “slightly expressed extrovert” That was a real revelation to me, I would have described myself as an introvert. Learning that I was actually an extrovert as that is where I derive my energy was a real eye opener and has really helped me.

Probably not surprising I go through intense phases too. I fully invest myself in something for some period of time, usually 2-5 years, and then often move on. There are some exceptions that “stick” and some that simmer for a while and then get hot again.


5. tcs - February 2, 2011

Also, guys in chastity can get intensely horny. Horny guys can say (unreliable but) extreme things. Just an observation.

6. A Snapshot of Sex in the US: 2010 « the key is on my nipple ring - February 19, 2011

[…] you recall from this earlier post, I said I go through phases and one of those was my Brokeback Mountain phase. That was probably the […]

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