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Loving Chastity December 29, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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There are a lot of chastity myths out there, ranging from the truly bizarre to the more subtle, “Could this really be true?” I can understand why a newcomer searching for information on chastity would be confused—I’m five months in and I still am perplexed by some of the stuff I read! Mikecb has done a nice job on his blog deconstructing some of the myths, either by exposing them as patently ridiculous or putting them in a larger context of understanding within a relationship (usually D/s). I have tried to take the opposite approach—presenting what Ab and I are really doing, from the perspective of a long-time married couple. Which brings me to today’s topic: loving chastity.

Without a doubt, the approach that Ab and I have to chastity is definitely from a loving context. The biggest benefits that we have seen have been much more intimacy, greater closeness, and improved communication. We’ve also begun to experiment a bit more sexually—spanking and tease and denial come to mind—but at the end of the day, for us, chastity is all about the love that is between us.

I wanted to make this explicit. Why? I am sure that other chaste couples would tell me that their relationship is all about love, too. But the thing is, I sometimes feel that the messages of love get lost in the commentary about humiliation, punishment, brutality, ruined orgasms, long-term denial, cuckolding, cream pie eating, etc., etc. Someone might write, “Of course I love my husband. That’s why I am beating his ass until it is shredded to ribbons!” but to me, that is more of an afterthought rather than a declaration of true affection.

Now I fully accept that this is me and where I am coming from. What other couples do is totally their business and more power to them. But, referencing the confused newcomer, as I said above—I want to make it clear that for us, we are operationalizing chastity from a place of deep love and affection. The way we express our love for each other now isn’t all that different from what we did a prior to August with one notable exception: penetrative intercourse is now a rare event. At least for the physical part.

The emotional part—there have been some pretty noticeable changes. I think other couples experience this too. Michael started a thread on the Chastity Forums asking if anyone wanted to “go back” to the way it was before. The overwhelming response was no. Even if a couple stopped practicing chastity (whatever that really means) they didn’t want to go back to fighting about sex or feeling being pressured for sex. Now, I don’t have particularly vivid memories of those two things, but I have admitted that I would pretend to be asleep while Ab masturbated next to me. So, obviously, our sex life wasn’t perfect. Is it perfect now? Probably not, but it is feeling a whole lot more vibrant and exciting than it was previously—or at least, a whole lot more vibrant and exciting more often than it was previously. That’s the part I don’t want to change.

So it’s all good. But as I look at the pattern of our lives, I see what we are going through now as the next step on the path we’ve been on since the day we’ve met. It’s the continuing growth and change that has existed between us since…forever. It wasn’t like I said, “Let’s try chastity,” and Ab shrugged his shoulders and said “Sure,” and life changed. It didn’t.

And maybe that is part of the difference that I am missing and thus don’t understand. I realize for a lot of couples, the dream of chastity is a long-held fantasy by the man. He’s wanted it, desired it, but doesn’t have the nerve to bring it up because he’s afraid his wife will have any range of emotions, but none of them accepting. For those couples, when the man gets his nerve up and blurts out his kinky fantasy—whether it be chastity alone or chastity and a few dozen other things—he’s putting himself out there, in such a way that if his wife does agree, life may in fact very well change. So maybe that explains part of my blind spot about some of what I read.

Even so, I still believe that even with a change such as introducing chastity into a marriage, which may have a big impact overall, those changes are still incremental. I really think the blogs that say, “I went to bed wearing a CB one night and the next thing I knew, my wife was a leather-clad whip whipping dominatrix!” are mostly the stuff of fantasy and imagination. A hot idea, perhaps, but for tentative newcomers, believe me when I say you can take chastity at a pace that works for you and at the same time, make it part of your lives in a realistic and meaningful way.

Because, that’s what Ab and I have done.


1. Harry Haversackers - December 29, 2010

You mentioned something here today, Dev, that all the younger couples reading your blog need to keep in mind, whether they are practicing chastity or not. It’s about the need or continuous growth and change in a relationship. (I’m talking only about sex here, but it applies to all areas of the relationship.)

My wife and I are like you and Ab. We’re long term partners – forty years now – and still deeply bound together. Experimenting with chastity is the latest of many things we’ve done to keep our sex lives fresh and interesting.

After living and loving together for years, any couple will fall into periods of boredom and sameness, and, without a conscious effort to refresh themselves sexually, their relationship will falter, and sometimes die.

For us, chastity has been another new beginning in our sexual journey together, and even if we don’t keep it going in the long term, it will have been a fun and loving step onto the next stage of our life together.

devotedlvr - December 30, 2010

Thanks, Harry. Great comment. I like hearing about other long-term committed couples. It seems like there are quite a few of us exploring chastity.

2. Tom Allen - December 29, 2010

Nice post, and some good insights and explanations.

devotedlvr - December 30, 2010

Thank you, Tom.


3. Michael - December 29, 2010

I like what you say about pacing.

For example, I knew Melissa was a bit unnerved the first time she saw a photo of a man in a chastity device. She did not like the idea of me being in one, so I did not push the issue. But, bit by bit she warmed to the idea and said okay to a device. Then she grew a bit eager to see it and how it worked. Now, she talks about it as much as I do. While driving to dinner last night she said, “How nice that you got a Christmas present you’ll be using for years!”

I know if I’d pushed for a device in the beginning I would have ruined things for us. Like you said, every couple is different. And it has to be done in love.


devotedlvr - December 30, 2010

It’s funny how at first, chastity seems like such a “way out” idea, but once you warm up to it, it’s not strange at all.

Thanks for your comment!


4. Dan - December 29, 2010


Very interesting post, as always. If I may ask, since penetrative sex doesn’t need to end in orgasm, why is it a “rare event”? Is it that you just don’t really care for it very often, or is that another “form” of denial?


devotedlvr - December 29, 2010

Hi Dan, good question, thanks…

I have learned that I am not big into taking his cage off and teasing him that way…either through stimulating his cock with my hand or mouth or letting him penetrate me to a no orgasm finish. That’s not happening with us. When he’s in his cage, he gets teased; out of it, orgasm is likely to occur. So that’s why intercourse is rare these days. Which seems to be fine with both of us.


5. James - December 29, 2010

Hi Dev,
I’ve been following your blog since you started, but this is my first comment. I’ve long been envious of you and Ab. You guys seem to have a great relationship.
My story is a bit different. My wife and I are in our mid sixties and in a slightly different stage of our lives. We’ve always had a loving relationship, we are definitely best friends. As with most couples, the idea to engage in chastity was mine. I guess I had become bored with our sex life years ago and was just too shy to do anything about it. I began to discover my latent kinky side a few years ago. I was quite content to masturbate to thoughts of various BDSM scenarios. A year ago I came to the reality that this had all been very detrimental to our relationship. It was time for some sort of positive action on my part.
I introduced the idea of chastity to my wife rather abruptly I’m afraid. Needless to say she wasn’t impressed. Remember, I’d been ignoring her (sexually) for several years. It has taken a whole year, but she now seems to be gaining interest in keeping me locked. While her libido is quite low, I do get just a tiny bit of sexual attention. I make every effort to shower her with sexual attention, she usually isn’t terribly interested. I think she really does like the attention though.
When I first started to search for information about male chastity I was lucky enough to find Sarah Jameson’s blog on the subject. This was very helpful when I tried to sort through all of the fantasies that are on-line these days.
At any rate, it’s been a long, slow process. Like anything else that is important in life, it’s worth some time and effort. I think there is a bright future ahead for us regarding my chastity. As for my other kinks, well maybe in time. Since I’ve been locked into my belt I’ve never felt better. I am so much more connected to my wife and more attentive to her needs. I wish we had discovered male chastity 20years ago.
I think your post is right on the money. When male chastity is added to a loving relationship it can add a whole new dimension to it. I never want to go back.

devotedlvr - December 30, 2010

Thanks for your comment, Jim, and thanks for sharing a bit of your story. I think this is what makes our “vanilla” chastity community so terrific. We can really focus on our experiences and what works (and doesn’t) for us and dispense with many of the myths that are floating around out there.

Glad I enticed you out of lurking!


6. mikecb - December 30, 2010

The “loving couple” concept really resonates with me. In the recent fiction I’ve written, I’ve been trying to base the relationships on mutual respect and love, rather than based on the iron fist of a bitch Domme in leathers. I guess I need to turn in my Man Card. ;-p

devotedlvr - December 30, 2010

And that’s precisely why I’ve been enjoying your stories, Mike. Plus you have some great stuff on your blog, as I noted above.

Thanks for your comment!


7. tcs - January 8, 2011

What do you think the changes are that have caused closeness and communication, from each of ypur perspectives? My and I have found a little spark this week and have been dabbling again. For whatever reason, I feel a little more “gooey” and open to her suggestions. I can also feel a little hyper and a little insecure—-I don’t want to be clingy or an irritant. She seems game and thinks I have a better attitude which is more pleasant for her.

8. tcs - January 8, 2011

I’ve been reading chastity fiction for years, and eventually it becomes difficult to find new ideas. It is fun to read about actual experiences. What do you notice about chastity that makes you feel closer to Ab and that you are communicating better? My wife and I have been dabbling this week after a long hiatus. I felt a little spark, and suddenly very “gooey” and more open to her suggestions. I also feel more energy and discipline. She thinks my attitude is better, though I am not sure she finds it as erotic as I do. We definately feel closer, and I feel a little, clingy and vunerable and sometimes insecure. Overall, it is good for us, though I am never sure how long I can ride the wave.

devotedlvr - January 8, 2011

Great question, TCS. I think one thing, for us, is that it makes sex be on your mind, more or less, all the time. It sounds like that for some couples this can be a stressor but for us, it makes it easy to just bring up sex and talk about it. And the more we talk about it, the more ideas we have and so on…plus, talking about sex is a turn on for us (as I have discovered). So that’s a bonus, too.


9. tcs - January 10, 2011

“Fasting” from orgasms can be a much more vanilla idea than what most people would think. It is such an instinctual pursuit that most people don’t stop to consider the delicious possibilities. Yet, some people pursue periodic orgasm avoidance in totally non-kink, yet sex positive, relationships. Consider the magazine article below about Yoga, Eastern thought, and periodic celibacy (100 days?):


Maybe this helps explain some of the closeness that results.

Also, I went back and read more of your blog. Good stuff! Helped answer some questions. The Introduction info is very helpful, but somewhat hidden.

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