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From the Mailbag: I September 4, 2010

Posted by Dev in Correspondence, Musings.
Tags: , , , , ,

I received a very nice email yesterday from a woman who discovered my blog through Sarah Jameson’s newsletter. She wrote, “We are a similar couple.” She is married with two pre-teen daughters. Her husband has been wearing a chastity device for eleven months. They originally got it “for fun and to spice things up with some excitement.” That happened, but the she said the bigger benefit to her marriage was improved communication around feelings and ideas. She wrote:

[My husband] is really forced to keep a focus here. If I am not happy and I don’t want to play—he doesn’t either. He is thus highly motivated in keeping real communication open to enhance our relationship. The result has been that neither of us takes the other for granted and we really have to keep the understanding. The rest is easy.

I can definitely relate. As a matter of fact, Ab and I went through a very rough patch in our marriage this past winter. We were arguing—a lot—and since both of us are very conflict-avoidant, it was not a happy time for us. We finally turned the corner in May and have been working hard on good communication ever since. Our chastity explorations have enhanced this as we have been talking more and really sharing some deep and personal feelings. This is a good thing. It is also the point I was trying to make in my “I Had To Bite My Tongue” post from the other day. I think it is easy for couples to get into a communication rut. Sometimes, something drastic may be required to shift the dynamic of the conversation that is constantly repeating itself and not moving forward. Chastity might be an appropriate option for some couples, as my email correspondent so clearly showed.

She added that she and her husband are not into BDSM or a slave/master relationship (the latter is definitely true for me; as for BDSM, I have been known to tie my husband up on occasion, most recently as last night—I think of it as “BDSM-lite”). She did say that by being his keyholder she does have control in the bedroom—and she likes that. 🙂

Sarah Jameson warned me to expect email from weirdos and I am sure I will receive plenty of that. But, it was refreshing that my first private message did come from someone who is totally sane and normal—just like me. I’ve replied privately but here’s a public shout-out: Thanks for taking the time to write.



1. Paul - September 4, 2010

Hi devotedlvr,
I just found and have really enjoyed your blog. It’s great to read about women really “into” male chastity. Keep up the nice work!

I thought I read that your kids are out of the house. I think that our kids growing up (youngest is 6 now; we are nearing 40) has really allowed me wife to become more open to exploration and we have gone through a real uptick in our passion for each other as a result of male chastity. We don’t use a device as much as I’d like, but our change to “sex is for her pleasure” has really lead to some fun play, and brought us closer together also. I can relate to your husband, satisfying my wife is enough for me! I feel like I am even closer to her, intimacy wise, when she denies me.

Hope that didn’t qualify me as a “weirdo”. Just wanted to praise your blog!


2. Paul - September 4, 2010

Ooops, didn’t finish my thought about age…. I was going to ask your thoughts on how your relationship might have changed as a result of your kids growing older… I may be in trouble if my wife’s willingness to push our bounderies continues as we get older! It does seem like a lot of couples “into” chastity are longer term married folks looking for some added spice. I don’t think I would have been interested in my less mature days.


3. devotedlvr - September 4, 2010

Hi Paul,

Thanks so much for your comments! No, I don’t think you are a weirdo—you sound like me and Ab! One of my goals here with the blog is to put a “normal” face on male chastity and get it out of the realm of bizarre, kinky fetishes. That is why I so appreciated Sarah’s comment (in her book) that chastity is a gateway fetish. I agree. For people who have never played around sexually it may seem a little “out there” at first, but you very quickly learn it is not, and in fact, may be something you’ve been exploring, but it didn’t have a name and you didn’t realize that is what you were doing.

Your comment re: children…my son was born when I was 32 and my daughter when I was 36. She’s the child that just went off to college last week. I think that from the time I was 32-45, we were totally consumed with the kids. Yes, we had sex, but it was what I would call “perfunctory sex.” Then, in my mid-forties, the children weren’t all-time consuming and I was ready to start having fun again. Plus, I was older, a bit more mature and ready to start exploring my inner kink. Our children know we have an active and healthy sex life—we live in a small house, my husband and I sleep in the same bed, and I am very vocal. (This is in contrast to my parents who slept in twin beds for all my life. I still wonder how on earth my sister was conceived.) That said, we’ve never done anything inappropriate in front of them. But my children have always known that grown-up naked playtime is an important part of our lives and have never questioned that. (I hope that answers your question…)

Thanks again for commenting and I hope you will keep visiting the blog.


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