Loving Chastity

There are a lot of chastity myths out there, ranging from the truly bizarre to the more subtle, “Could this really be true?” I can understand why a newcomer searching for information on chastity would be confused—I’m five months in and I still am perplexed by some of the stuff I read! Mikecb has done a nice job on his blog deconstructing some of the myths, either by exposing them as patently ridiculous or putting them in a larger context of understanding within a relationship (usually D/s). I have tried to take the opposite approach—presenting what Ab and I are really doing, from the perspective of a long-time married couple. Which brings me to today’s topic: loving chastity.

Without a doubt, the approach that Ab and I have to chastity is definitely from a loving context. The biggest benefits that we have seen have been much more intimacy, greater closeness, and improved communication. We’ve also begun to experiment a bit more sexually—spanking and tease and denial come to mind—but at the end of the day, for us, chastity is all about the love that is between us.

I wanted to make this explicit. Why? I am sure that other chaste couples would tell me that their relationship is all about love, too. But the thing is, I sometimes feel that the messages of love get lost in the commentary about humiliation, punishment, brutality, ruined orgasms, long-term denial, cuckolding, cream pie eating, etc., etc. Someone might write, “Of course I love my husband. That’s why I am beating his ass until it is shredded to ribbons!” but to me, that is more of an afterthought rather than a declaration of true affection.

Now I fully accept that this is me and where I am coming from. What other couples do is totally their business and more power to them. But, referencing the confused newcomer, as I said above—I want to make it clear that for us, we are operationalizing chastity from a place of deep love and affection. The way we express our love for each other now isn’t all that different from what we did a prior to August with one notable exception: penetrative intercourse is now a rare event. At least for the physical part.

The emotional part—there have been some pretty noticeable changes. I think other couples experience this too. Michael started a thread on the Chastity Forums asking if anyone wanted to “go back” to the way it was before. The overwhelming response was no. Even if a couple stopped practicing chastity (whatever that really means) they didn’t want to go back to fighting about sex or feeling being pressured for sex. Now, I don’t have particularly vivid memories of those two things, but I have admitted that I would pretend to be asleep while Ab masturbated next to me. So, obviously, our sex life wasn’t perfect. Is it perfect now? Probably not, but it is feeling a whole lot more vibrant and exciting than it was previously—or at least, a whole lot more vibrant and exciting more often than it was previously. That’s the part I don’t want to change.

So it’s all good. But as I look at the pattern of our lives, I see what we are going through now as the next step on the path we’ve been on since the day we’ve met. It’s the continuing growth and change that has existed between us since…forever. It wasn’t like I said, “Let’s try chastity,” and Ab shrugged his shoulders and said “Sure,” and life changed. It didn’t.

And maybe that is part of the difference that I am missing and thus don’t understand. I realize for a lot of couples, the dream of chastity is a long-held fantasy by the man. He’s wanted it, desired it, but doesn’t have the nerve to bring it up because he’s afraid his wife will have any range of emotions, but none of them accepting. For those couples, when the man gets his nerve up and blurts out his kinky fantasy—whether it be chastity alone or chastity and a few dozen other things—he’s putting himself out there, in such a way that if his wife does agree, life may in fact very well change. So maybe that explains part of my blind spot about some of what I read.

Even so, I still believe that even with a change such as introducing chastity into a marriage, which may have a big impact overall, those changes are still incremental. I really think the blogs that say, “I went to bed wearing a CB one night and the next thing I knew, my wife was a leather-clad whip whipping dominatrix!” are mostly the stuff of fantasy and imagination. A hot idea, perhaps, but for tentative newcomers, believe me when I say you can take chastity at a pace that works for you and at the same time, make it part of your lives in a realistic and meaningful way.

Because, that’s what Ab and I have done.