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If You’ve Seen One Chastity Relationship… April 15, 2011

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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…you’ve seen one chastity relationship. In other words, it’s not a case of, “If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

This thought occurred to me today when I received a nice email from a very new keyholder—20 days locked up for her husband. She wrote:

I love everything about it but I’m confused as to how controlling and dominant role I should play. Can you please give me some insight as to how to continue with this lifestyle?

I was flattered to be asked and wanted to give her a good, helpful response. As I thought about it, I realized that don’t know how controlling and dominant a role she should play. That’s something that each couple needs to experiment with and find out on their own.

Now that I have met—in person—another chaste couple, this point was driven home even more for me. L, K, Ab, and I have lots of things in common, including our conceptualization of chastity. But we don’t operationalize it the same way. L goes for very long periods locked, without a single break (he should be up to about six weeks, now, if my math is correct). K is in total charge of the key and L has no idea where it is. Contrast that with us where I have gotten away from micro-managing Ab’s Watchful Mistress. The expectation is that he’ll be locked the majority of the time; if perchance he is out of his device (for bathing or just a little break due to discomfort) that doesn’t mean he can have an orgasm. He knows those are strictly controlled by me.

Ab told me once that not having access to the screwdriver would be a game-changer (ie, changing us right out of the game. LOL). I know that for many women, the symbolism of having and controlling the key is extremely important and a large part of what motivates them to stay with chastity. Clearly my arrangement wouldn’t work for them but understanding this has been an important part of the learning process.

I’ve tried to make it clear in this blog that I am writing about our experience and journey with chastity. If some of my insights and new knowledge is helpful to others, great! But I don’t expect others to “do” chastity the way Ab and I do. For chastity to be effective and really work it has to be individualized and that applies to every dimension of the experience from type of device to duration of lock-up to styles of tease and denial. What works for me may not work for you…(although L did seem to enjoy my teasing technique! 😉 ).

So, to newcomer wife I offer these suggestions as you learn about chastity:

  • Read widely but don’t take everything at face value. Remember that anyone can be anyone on the Internet and there are some “chastity imposters” out there who post their fantasies under the guise of real life.
  • The Keyheld resource is a good place to start to find a variety of blogs that are pretty real and down-to-earth.
  • The Chastity Forum is also a good resource full of real-life people.
  • Talk to your husband. I can’t stress this enough. Good, honest, and open communication is crucial. How else are you going to figure out what’s working for both of you if you don’t talk about it?
  • Remember that this is supposed to be fun. You may find some aspects of chastity are life changing and that’s a little amazing, but don’t lose your sense of humor in the process.
  • If you don’t own one already, go and buy yourself a Hitachi and have your husband learn to use it effectively. In fact, just start thinking about toys in general. This is part of the fun. 🙂

Last but not least (and yes, I am going to blow my own horn)—I hope you’ll take time to peruse this blog. Please feel free to leave comments and if you want to send me questions privately, either through the Feedback page or via email, please do. I started writing this in large part because I did not see good resources out there for women and I wanted to do my little bit to change that. I hope you find the information helpful!

Good luck on your journey!

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