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Sometimes You’re Just Not in the Mood April 9, 2011

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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I think it is fair to say that Ab and I both have quite active libidos and we’re pretty well matched in the sex drive department. I think a mismatch is a source of stress and conflict for many couples; I am grateful that we don’t have that problem.

That said, it doesn’t mean that we both want to have sex all the time or always at the same time. I can think of times in the past where I would pull the, “Not tonight, honey, I have a headache,” routine. Actually, the more likely scenario was that I would pretend to be asleep as a way to discourage his advances.

That, thankfully, hasn’t happened in ages. One great thing that chastity has done for is make us much more honest with each other about our wants, needs, and desires. Of course, we’re still not 100% in sync about when we want to play around. That would be unrealistic, for any couple, including us. Even so, I’ve realized in the past few weeks that when one or the other of us demurs from having sex, we are able to do so in a loving, polite, and respectful way, which is a far cry from fake headaches and feigning sleep. And that, overall, is a very good thing indeed.

As an example: last Saturday, when we were in San Francisco, Ab woke himself up with a little suckling, which is one of his favorite things to do. It felt good but it wasn’t giving me that twinge of “I want more” that I usually get. His hand moved across my body in his very practiced and familiar way. He played a little and was patient but I just didn’t respond. After a few minutes he stopped. I was a little surprised at that and asked why. He said, “I could tell you weren’t into it. Your mind seemed to be a million miles away.” He was right. Last Saturday was my big day of work and I was keyed up about that—more so than I realized. But my body could tell and it was clear that the pleasure synapses weren’t making it through from the nerve endings to my brain and vice versa.

But it was all okay. He wasn’t annoyed that I didn’t put out and I wasn’t annoyed about any unwanted advances. We both just acknowledged where we were at the moment.

Fast forward one week. It’s Saturday and we’re back at home. Today is the day the new rescue poodle comes to live with us. On top of that, Ab is suddenly very busy at work. He has a ton of stuff to sand and his hand has been cramping. Early this morning, we’re lying together, just quietly talking, and he keeps clenching and unclenching his fist. I reach over and take his hand and give him a hand massage. He thanked me, said that felt good. Then my hand shifts to his cock cage and I proceed with changing the hand massage to a cock and ball massage. Ab doesn’t flinch away or anything but he also doesn’t seem to have any sort of reaction—no “tree trunk erection” as I have nicknamed it. After a few minutes I comment on this and he says, yeah, he’s just not focused this morning, he has other things on his mind. “That’s okay,” I say. “There will be other times.”

So, it seems that maybe we’ve discovered another hidden benefit of chastity. We’ve become very relaxed about sex. It’s comfortable and natural and very good for us. When it happens—which is often—it’s great. When it doesn’t, that’s okay too.

I’ve read about many couples who argue about sex and discover chastity as a way to deal with that problem. That wasn’t an issue for us. Still, even though things were good, I’ve realized another way that chastity is making our sex life and, in turn, our life overall, even better. Funny how that works. 🙂

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Comments»

1. Harry Haversackers - April 9, 2011

Dev,

Chastity may have a lot to do with your (both you and Ab) more relaxed attitude, but I’m betting that maturity is also a factor.

Harry

Dev - April 10, 2011

I am sure that is part of it, Harry, but I also have a sense of being more relaxed overall.

D

2. Doug Cline - April 9, 2011

Dev–

Communication through touch, word and thought all are so important to the marriage, and it is wonderful to hear about those who have it. My wife and I have treasured it for 20+ years, have sometimes been better at it and sometimes worse, but always continue to try to be our best. That is what the two of you are doing. Thank you for sharing it.

Dev - April 10, 2011

Thanks, Doug. I appreciate your comment. Thanks for taking the time to write.

D

3. tcs - April 21, 2011

Do you think it is possible to keep the intensity of chastity up for very long? Ironically, I have an easier time with chastity when my sex drive is high and I am feeling closer to my wife. When life gets in the way, and stress runs high, then I fall into the need for certain “releases”—not because my libido is high, but because I want to cut the stress. How do you restart when the intensity is low?

4. Femsup - May 3, 2011

Also their is less or no performance anxiety.If he is locked he need not worry about his erection performing for you both.


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