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Chastity as a Game…Or? November 10, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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I enjoy Cricketed’s blog, for his content as well as his pictures. He has a recent post where he muses about chastity as a game…

To those who claim, loudly and with a price tag attached, that male chastity is simply a game or a put-on, I respectfully disagree.  My workaday world is where I pretend.  This isn’t a game to me.

Whoa, let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater! There are games, and then there are games

To me, games of the former type are competitive, winner takes all and loser be damned. Anything you watch on television: football, basketball, the Olympics. When your universe narrows to your kitchen table there is Monopoly, Life, or the one I loathe most of all, Risk, where the victor is the one with the most armies and most nations conquered, lying powerless at his feet.

I definitely don’t want to think of chastity as one of those types of games!

But what about non-competitive games? Those that we play for the joy of playing, for experiencing the happiness of just having fun, for finding our all-too-often lost inner child. Within that context, I think it is perfectly appropriate to call chastity a game.

That said, with each passing day I am finding it harder to envision a moment where I might say to Ab, “I don’t want to play anymore. Please put your device away.” And I know if he said that to me, we would sit down and have a long, serious talk about what he was asking. Yes, chastity is a game but it is also becoming part of the fabric of our sexual lives and our lives in general. We are a chaste couple. That is a fact and an element of how I self-identify. If someone were to ask me, I’d be honest in that answer.

Many years ago, when I was at a very different point in my professional career, I was in charge of staff development at a local hospital. In this role I was tasked with coming up with activities for Nurses’ Week. This was always a touchy issue because we had to find the right balance between a professional, respectful tribute and worshipful adoration of the clinical staff (I say the latter slightly tongue-in-cheek). On the year in question, I hired a facilitator for a day of team building. Her modus operandi was to play games. When the nursing staff got wind of this, they were not shy about ripping me a new one. Many declared they would boycott the event—and they did. But for those who chose to participate—and as I recall, we had a decent sized crowd, about 30 in all—we had a blast. We played for hours and had a lot of fun and in the process, found our inner children and grew in the experience. Although I can’t tell you what games we played, I do remember that the day was fun, enjoyable, and important. I reframed my understanding of games that day and that learning has stayed with me, all these years later.

It is within that context that I “play” chastity.

Intrerestingly, as I continue on this path, the few competitive trappings that I had related to the game are rapidly falling away. Note that I don’t have any tickers or counters on this site. How many orgasms have I had in our chaste life? I have no idea. I haven’t been keeping track. I do know that there have been plenty, but just as Ab doesn’t need orgasms to define his sexual experience, neither do I. Our love is back to being the major focus of what is between us. Orgasms are a benefit but not the primary reason that we couple in the night.

How long has Ab been locked up this time? I am not sure, at least without looking at a calendar. And, do I count locked up from the day of his “official” orgasm, which was sometime back in October or from the day of his ruined orgasm, which was a week or so ago? At the time of the latter, he was wearing a cock ring, so does that count as locked or not? More tellingly, I don’t have a date in mind for his next release. It’s not important to me right now. It will happen when the time is right—when the time is right for both of us. I think we’ll know when that moment is. It is a time we will feel in our hearts, not a date that is X’ed on the calendar.

I will continue to use the language of games to describe our chastity experience, but I wanted to share my paradigm for what a game is. Hopefully that will provide context for readers and clear up any confusion (if there was any) on the game issue.

* * * * *

Speaking of games, it’s been a little more than a week since Ab and I relaxed our rule about having access to the key or screwdriver. While I was a little anxious last week, it seems to be working quite well, now. Ab appreciates his daily cleaning/nap break but knows not to take advantage. He is locked when I get home. In fact, it’s become a little bit of a game for me (there’s that word again!) wondering what he’ll be wearing. Yesterday was the Watchful Mistress with the lock. The lock? Might be time for the key to go back on my nipple ring, if only for decoration. 😉

On Sunday, for whatever reason, Ab didn’t take his device off during his nap. Later, as he was going to the grocery store, he asked if he could take it off then, reasoning that he had one free hour per day. Could he use his hour at a different time?

I gently, but firmly corrected him. “You can be free during your nap, whether that’s five minutes or sixty. You do not have one free hour per day. You have freedom during your nap. That’s it.”

He understood.



1. atone44 - November 10, 2010

Nice post but I just don’t think I can call it a game anymore, it has become too much more than that. It would almost be like calling my marriage a game (although not quite). We don’t ‘play’ house and we don’t ‘play’ chastity. Although we play while doing both.

I watch football on TV and it is a game. I know several professional football players though and for them it is definitely more than a game.


devotedlvr - November 10, 2010

As always, Atone, thanks for your comment.

One of the things I was trying to sort through in my mind as I wrote this post was the issue of finding pleasure, fun, and joy in an experience versus being too serious. I think that as adults, we focus on the serious and forget the fun. That’s why I like non-competitive games, or just plain playing, as a way to find that inner child who remembers the feeling of unconditional joy. When I read things like, “I will be chaste for the rest of my life…” it sounds so serious. Maybe it’s true, but let’s not lose sight of why we’re at this, which for me is happiness…pleasure…fun. Along with a bunch of other things.

I read an article recently about a dancer who had given up dancing because she lost her joy in the experience. She quit…she thought forever; the article was about how she found her inner self and was dancing again. But the point was well made that it is possible to destroy an inner piece of yourself by losing sight of what’s important.

I suspect that the football players who are most mentally healthy are those who remember that it is more than a game but it is still a game. They understand the duality of the experience. It’s the duality, to me, that’s important.


2. b2ounce - November 10, 2010

Hi Dev.
atone44 makes a good point; for some there are activities/pasttimes which are more than a game. Pro sports players are good example.
I think regarding male chastity as a ‘game’ is slightly inaccurate, but the feeling behind it is correct. That is, it is fun and enjoyable for the participant.
But however you choose to label it (and it really is just words), if it isn’t fun and enjoyable, then why bother? And the degree of seriousness with which a person takes a pasttime or activity like sports or games may have an effect on how much fun the have. Pro sports are a good example – I love playing rugby, but doing professionally wouldnt be fun at all.
Now, where an individual (keyholder or locked) finds enjoyment and what pushes their fun buttons are different matters altogether!!!!
I suspect what floats my boat may not do the same for you. I kind of like numbers and schedules. I’m hoping the wife will join in with a schedule with rules and possible punishments for transgressions. For me, this will be fun. For others, this may be hell on earth and not a ‘game’ they wish to play.
By the way, Risk – it’s a brilliant game1 🙂

devotedlvr - November 10, 2010

Hi b2ounce,

Thanks for your comment. I think you were reading my mind as I was writing my reply to Atone…see above! Your points are spot-on. Thank you.

And, yes, I agree, the way that people operationalize chastity varies tremendously, which is why blogs, forums, and so on are so helpful. Even in the few months that I have been at this, I feel like much broader horizons have opened up about how to “do” chastity and that’s a great thing. I know that my “open access to the key” policy would not work for many people, but it is working for us. I live by calendars and schedules and once I realized I was chafing against that in our chastity life, it made a big difference. In that way, it’s all good.

As for Risk, let’s just agree to disagree. 🙂


3. Mykey - November 10, 2010

That’s a serious game hun.

In another few months at this rate it will be a foundation stone of your marriage 🙂

devotedlvr - November 10, 2010

Hun! I love being called hun! LOL.

Yes, we are moving in the foundation stone direction, that’s for sure. When I read of people who say they play at chastity off and on, or sporadically, it just doesn’t click for me. Maybe in a year things will be different for us but right now, it is very much a part of our lives. I am seeing definite changes in Ab’s thinking around this, too. Before it was “the end of the year,” then, “six months”; now it is “indefinitely.”


4. key4belle - November 10, 2010

I went into the chastity lifestyle viewing it as a game. It might even have been how he convinced me to give it a try, I know at one point we both said “It’s only a game, we can stop at any time”. In less than 3 months it has moved from a game to a lifestyle. I don’t want to go back to before, ie. our non-chaste behaviors. Our marriage, which was good, is now great. I do think that we play games WITH CHASTITY. How long this time, will he cum or won’t he, how will I let him cum, ect. To me that is different than chastity its self being the game.

devotedlvr - November 10, 2010

Thanks, Belle. Very well put and I appreciate your comment. It is a little amazing, isn’t it, that this “game” can go from being a game to something so important in such a short period of time? To be honest, I think it took longer for me to feel married–that was more like a nine months or a year! By that I mean, to easily identify as a wife, to call Ab my husband, to feel “married.” We got into being chaste a whole lot faster. Of course, that might come with all the years of being married…LOL.

And also, like you, I definitely don’t want to go back.

I can’t wait to hear what you have to say once the Jailbird arrives and gets locked on!


5. david - November 10, 2010

Awesome post AND awesome comments by the readers. I agree all around. I’d like to add if I may:

I am not so sure at this point that my wife and me could end “the game” even if we wanted to. You see, so thorough is her preference for being pleasured while I am locked (thus, her not having to worry about my stimulation) that I doubt she’d enjoy sex any other way. So thorough is my belief and conditioning that my pleasure derives from her pleasure, that I am not sure I could perform in the old traditional way. And for certain BOTH of us want to avoid the proverbial “slam, bam, thank you Ma’am” style of sex that existed before chastity.

So what is absolutely enjoyed as a game and performed as a game may no longer even be a game for us simply because the “new way” has become simply “the way”.

I hope I conveyed this point aptly. I think it’s what Dev has experienced. This game has become a foundation stone. (thanks Mykey!)


6. A Night Apart « The Key is on my Nipple Ring - November 11, 2010

[…] women as the drivers versus men. Ab wears his device but I do get a little bit of pushback. I gave an example of that from Sunday, where he expected to have a free hour to go to the grocery store. I re-explained that he gets to […]

7. femsup - November 15, 2010

Very profound and memorable.I like what you say about the duality.Its the most wonderful thing and yet it can be common place after a while.To be comfortable with each other about it and to accept that he is going to be locked and only allowed to orgasm when you wish does not diminish the intensity.It just deepens and rounds it out.That feeling of being in sync with each other.

8. A Daily Chastity Check-In « The Key is on my Nipple Ring - November 16, 2010

[…] I think there is. If you believe the thesis that chastity is more than a game, as I discussed here, and that it has the potential to profoundly affect a relationship, then it is certainly a topic […]

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