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Talking About Chastity and Sex November 8, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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This seems to be a popular topic today, so I’ll join in the fray.

The question came up on the Chastity Forum: would you or could you talk about chastity if the topic came up with a friend? The general consensus, as Belle noted in her blog is no.

I think there are a couple of things at work. First off, the average person doesn’t know much (if anything) about modern chastity. I think when most people hear the word chastity, a number of other “C” words come to mind, including celibacy, the Crusades, and cruel.

As I have said before, celibacy and chastity aren’t synonymous. Maybe in the past they were but the way Ab and I are living our chaste lives, we are certainly not abstaining from sex! But I think the knee-jerk reaction to a statement such as, “My husband and I are practicing male chastity,” would be, “They’re not having sex,” which is followed by, “They are very weird,” or “Oh, how sad for them,” or “I really don’t want to hear about their sexless love life.”

Second, the Crusades. I say this somewhat kiddingly but I think there is a myth that soldiers locked their wives in chastity belts before heading off to fight for Jesus. Given that all the men were heading off to battle, I’m not quite sure who was left to victimize the women, but better to be safe than sorry, I suppose! Chastity contraptions in those days were large, fearful devices that certainly got their point across: this vagina is OFF LIMITS! Interestingly, in the Crusades myth, it is always the women who were forced to be chaste with a device, never the men; reading about modern chastity practices the vast majority of device wearers are men, not women (at least that I have come across). So, the Crusades example, while likely a myth, is also cognitively dissonant.

Then there’s cruel. The notion of locking up a guy’s dick with a bunch of metal or plastic and then putting a lock on it seems to be the height of barbarianism. Or is it? Frankly, I think wearing high heeled shoes borders on cruel and abusive. The same can be said for girdles, underwire bras, and skin-tight jeans. Piercings, tattoos—considering the things we do to ourselves in the name of fashion and sex appeal, a well-fitting, comfortable chastity device is probably pretty far down on the list of cruel activities. But once again, T.C. Mits (“the celebrated man in the street,” I am sure I am dating myself with that reference!) doesn’t know that and thus the practice is seen as cruel and abusive—something only a controlling, dominating, man-hating woman would ever consider for her husband. Hm, let me look in the mirror. Controlling, dominating, man-hating? That’s not me…

I used to be very open about talking about naturism. I discovered, however, that the minute I said, “Nude beach,” most people didn’t want to hear anymore. It was just too weird and freaky for them. Chastity is worse. Even though folks can picture or imagine a nude beach, chastity conjures up images such as I have mentioned above. A friend might look at me and see a normal, rational woman, but the fact that I want to talk about this strange, bizarre topic must mean I am irrational. Irrationality always trumps rationality, looks and demeanor be damned! Another problem is that chastity can’t be explained in a sentence or two. Just look at those of us who are into it. Most people say they spent some amount of time, whether it be hours, days, or weeks reading and learning about chastity before they “took the plunge.” Even folks who have been at this for a while (years) still like to read and talk about the lifestyle. So how do you sum that up in 25 words or less? I’ve been trying to come up with a chastity tagline but haven’t found the right combination of words—yet. One thing I have been trying to be more explicit about is to say chaste lifestyle as opposed to only saying male chastity; the former, to me, makes it more clear that this is an activity the couple is engaged in and gets away from the controlling, dominating wife who is “doing” something to her husband. It’s a tiny point but it is important to me.

If the subject did come up with a friend, would I talk about it? Of course I would. I am not one to shy away from an interesting conversation. But, alas, I think the only conversations I’ll be having about chastity are those that I imagine in my head.

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Comments»

1. keyhldr - November 8, 2010

I’ve thought about bringing it up with others in the old “I have a friend who . . . ” way. That way I could talk about it, but it wouldn’t be ME that’s doing it – therefore if they think it’s too weird I’m not the weird one in their eyes. If they seem genuinely interested, I could ultimately ‘fess up’ and tell them it’s me.

2. devotedlvr - November 8, 2010

That’s an interesting idea, keyhldr. Thing is, sex just doesn’t come up in casual conversation with my friends so I don’t see this happening. But I’ll keep it in mind, just in case…

D

3. aphrael - February 9, 2011

I wonder if this is a generational thing, a result of the fact that I live in a wierd subculture that’s more tolerant of such things, or something else, but: my experience is different. There are probably on the order of a dozen people I’ve talked to about wearing a chastity device (who are real people, as opposed to imaginary internet friends), including my closest friends … and I’ve not gotten from any of them the kind of reaction you describe. A few – the ones who are most resistant to talk of sexuality in general – have been puzzled or otherwise disinterested; most have had a “well, that wouldn’t work for *me*” reaction combined with a very happy “but i’m glad it’s making you happy” and an interest in the mechanics.

devotedlvr - February 9, 2011

That’s interesting. Thanks for your comment and welcome to the blog!

D


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