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Chastity Evangelist…or Enthusiast? October 26, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
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I chuckled yesterday at a comment from Shane67:

In an alternate universe, Dev becomes a chastity evangelist and goes on Oprah…

Evangelist, huh? I will admit, I am enthusiastic and I like to dive into things with both feet, as I have said before. But I am not sure I’d go all the way to evangelist

That got me thinking about chastity enthusiasts—the type of chastity practitioner that I have come to know over the past few months. We seem to share a certain demographic background and mindset to the chastity game. A few traits I have picked up on (and realize, this is the worst type of generalization…I am not trying to be scientific, just noting observations). Chastity enthusiasts seem to be:

  • Married couples, generally m/f (although I have encountered a few gay couples);
  • Age generally over 40 (again, I have encountered a few exceptions);
  • Tenure of marriage 10+ years;
  • Children are usually present in the relationship, mean seems to be two;
  • Interest in chastity usually comes from the man (I am the notable exception!)
  • While it may be a man’s initial idea (and fantasy), women who sign on as keyholders eventually become quite enthusiastic in the role, although this may take time
  • Chastity is the defining characteristic of the game we are playing; it is not a tool in some other scenario (humiliation, punishment, etc.)

With respect to the man’s idea, that seems to break down into two groups: men who have had this fantasy for a long time versus newcomers to the idea. For men who have had the idea a long time, they tend to be quite familiar with the concept, have read blogs and Internet discussion groups (I am sure they were on alt.rec.sex back in the day), are familiar with the variety and types of chastity devices available (including price) and desperately want to be locked up. They struggle with how to broach this subject with their wives, fearing rejection and even ridicule. Something eventually pushes them over the edge and the ensuing discussion and experience, while not completely trouble-free, at least seems to move in a forward direction (again, based on what I have read on blogs and so on).

Newcomer men seem to struggle with some of the same issues as the wives of the “long held fantasy” guys—that is, the idea is intriguing, even a little hot but at the same time it’s sort of weird and maybe too kinky to play with. But they can’t pull themselves away from reading about chastity and learning more. I am reminded of little kids at the ocean—they run up, stick their toes in the surf then realize, ack! It’s cold and run away. But 10 seconds later they are back at the surf, touching their toes to the water. Eventually some—not all—get the courage to plunge in.

And then when they do, they realize—this really isn’t that kinky. It has been mentioned by both Tom Allen and Sarah Jameson that chastity is a gateway kink, and I definitely agree.

Of course that doesn’t stop me from being enthusiastic!

I think the point that newcomer men and worried wives need reassurance on is the fact that putting their toes into the ocean—taking the first step on the chastity path—does not mean that you are invariably heading down a path to humiliation, punishment, or feminization. See my last bullet point above. Chastity is the reason that Ab and I are playing this game. It’s hot and we’re getting off on it. The fact that other insights have come out of this (improved communication, understanding more about masturbation) is just a bonus, not the reason we started playing. For me, I figured this out very early on. Read one of my very first blog posts—I knew right from the outset that I wasn’t moving towards having a husband in diapers and me fucking my big stud lover while he stood by helplessly and watched. Three months later, that fundamental brick in our relationship has not changed.

I can understand why newcomer men and worried wives are anxious. There is a lot of noise out there on the Internet about chastity and some of it is downright bizarre. I will admit to reading many of the more extreme blogs—it’s a little bit like watching a train wreck. I click this link and that link and then the next one…sissy husbands, diapers, shrinking cocks, beatings in the dungeon—it’s odd but weirdly compelling. I fully understand how a person can get addicted to online porn! But what I have been trying to do as I read these blogs is sort through and ascertain: what is total fantasy, what is partial fantasy, and what is real people living real lives.

The real lives people come through pretty easily: me, Thumper, Sarah Jameson, Shane67 (referenced above). As for the others…I am not going to post any links because why should I? I am not here to embarrass or degrade and frankly, if they want to live their more-or-less fantasy life online, they should be able to. I suppose there are people who could/would criticize me and say that everything I’ve posted is completely made up (although I assure you it is not). Still, we find what we want within anything we read, and make our own assessments as to how real, or not, it is.

Anyway, back to the original point—in my estimation the chastity enthusiasts seem to be a pretty normal—dare I say vanilla?—group of kinksters. From what I can tell most of us go about our day-to-day lives looking just like any other couple with the one distinction of—the man in the relationship is wearing a device on his cock that prevents him from having erections and orgasms. Except for that one little blip on the screen, we are completely “normal.” Or maybe it would be safe to say, even with that one little blip on the screen, we are completely normal. In other words…chastity enthusiasts.

For those who are reluctant let me say: “Come on in, the water’s fine.”



1. Cuckie - October 26, 2010

Hi Devotedlvr, I loved this post. While Melissa and I are on the more…um..wilder side of chastity, involving the cuckolding part as well, I agree with much of what you said. I also agree with your list of particpants in chastity, those are similar to our observations as well, with the exception of the last one. For us, the chastity has become a tool of the cuckolding portion, although the chastity is an entity in itself. I also love your analogy about dipping our feet in the ocean and running back…very true. I’m not sure I agree that it is a gateway to something else, I think that those of us who try various sexual “situations” tend to be a little experimental anyway, and might find ourselves trying something else someday too. It is after all what keeps life interesting and marriages fun! Melissa and I have been together over 20 years with no sign of it ending, especially because of sex. (or the lack of it lol) Quite the contrary, it has been that desire to experiment, to play that has kept us alive and excited about each other all these years and it still does. She is learning about the chastity lifestyle now, and seems to be, as you mentioned, becoming quite enthusiastic about it. As for the online fiction many sex bloggers lean to, or the online fantasies they tell us about, power to them. I suppose I could be guilty of some of that myself, given that I sometimes take some liberties in the recounting of our experiences. However, for all intents and purposes, save the literary licence, our stories are true and told pretty close to the actual experience, with a little fantasy or embellishment thrown in. Having lived these experiences many of them run together a little, and that can show up in the writing. But I digress…immensely, sorry. What I really wanted to say was that I enjoyed your post, and you, your husband, your readers, are all as normal as the rest of us. We all have our own version of normal!

devotedlvr - October 27, 2010

Thanks, Cuckie. Welcome to the blog and thanks for commenting. Yes, we all have our own version of normal. This is very true! Thanks for adding me to your blogroll, too.


2. Atone - October 27, 2010

A check next to each of your bullets for me. The only thing to add to that is chastity is a defining characteristic of *this* game that we are playing but that we do play a number of other kinky games that sometimes include some of the other attributes that you mention. The big difference is that ‘chastity’ is the only game that we are playing that is more of a lifestyle. It is something that we are doing all the time. I think one of the appeals actually is that even when we aren’t doing anything, we are still doing it.

I like that there are real people honestly sharing their experience as you have mentioned. It makes this a lot of fun and helps sustain me.


devotedlvr - October 27, 2010

I agree, A–Ab and I do play other kinky games, too but right now, chastity seems to be the only one high on the list. I think we are having enough fun with it so it is keeping us occupied. 🙂 I like the “lifestyle” aspect too. It’s fun having a reason to think about sex all day. LOL.


3. Serverboy - October 27, 2010

What has been the experience for men who wear a cage chastity device while exercising? I would think it would not be good combination for men to wear the device when running or cycling. Do men take off the device to exercise?

devotedlvr - October 27, 2010

Hi Serverboy, welcome. Thanks for your comment.

My husband’s major form of exercising is walking with occasional weight training at the gym. He doesn’t need to take it off for walking. I don’t believe he’s gone to the gym since he’s been locked up, but I don’t know that wearing his JB would be an issue.

Sarah Jameson’s husband Jon is a cyclist and he takes his device off for cycling. He wears a big belt and I think that’s the reason why. Guys who wear smaller devices (CBs, eg)–do they take them off for cycling? I don’t know. I let someone with more direct experience comment on that. I know Tom Allen is a cyclist, as wells as likes2blocked.


Tom Allen - October 27, 2010

Exercising and sports are a very frequent topic on the chastity web boards.

You can wear a device while cycling, with caveats. The aggressive upturned saddle with a low aero position is going to hurt, so if you’re into competitive riding, you may need to remove the device, or to look into the silicone devices at least as a temporary measure.

However, riding for exercise is certainly manageable. I’ve used gel pads with an indent on my roadie saddle, and recently switched to a split saddle for my hybrid MTB. I ride 20 to 50 miles a week (until recently, ‘cos I dont’ want to ride in the dark & cold), with no issues.

I also lift weights at home, 2 to 4 times a week. Squats, deadlifts, and lunges are manageable if you remember to lube around the cuff ring to allow the device to move slightly when your thigh muscles are bulging.

devotedlvr - October 27, 2010

Thanks, Tom!


4. Tutor - October 27, 2010

I have a little problem with the whole “gateway kink…” lines. Even at the end of your current post you say:

Except for that one little blip on the screen, we are completely “normal.” Or maybe it would be safe to say, even with that one little blip on the screen, we are completely normal.

For the most part I see people already into their kink prior to finding chastity, and they include chastity into their kink, not the other way around.
I’m sure there are those that find chastity first then go on to other things but is that the norm or exception? Chicken or the egg I guess, it may be an interesting poll question somewhere, as long as it isn’t just worded “Is chastity a gateway kink” many people would answer in the affirmative just because they read it somewhere that it was, not because it was in their own lives.

5. devotedlvr - October 27, 2010

Thanks, Tutor.

I guess to me, “gateway kink” means “It’s not that weird.” But by the same token, just about any kink, once you get into it, isn’t weird, is it? It just becomes “normal.” Alternatively, you don’t get into it, for whatever reason and leave it behind. Anyway, I see your point.

I like the idea of a poll. If you want to help me word it, I can post something here on the site. Send me an email if you want.


6. mikecb - October 27, 2010

Hey Dev,

Regarding the question on exercise… I work out between 4-8 times per week at the gym. I don’t remove my CB for aerobics, Spinning, or weight training. I just work out at a gym with private shower stalls, so that I can wash without difficulty. ’nuff said, I guess.

Regarding gateway kinks and the like. I’m not really sure. I was interested in bondage before I discovered chastity, though I never had opportunity to play with a partner. I’ve since discovered that I’m a masochist, and love pain play. I’ll be at a play party weekend, next week, that will no doubt include flogging, electro-torture, CBT and a good bit of Femdom play. That said, I would cheerfully participate in all of that regardless of my chastity fetish.

I’m more inclined to think that people who would entertain the notion of chastity play are people who are just more likely to entertain the notion of kink, in general. I don’t know that I could decide which is the chicken, and which is the egg, as far as one kink being a gateway to another. I think you’re just turned on by kink, or you’re not.


7. Tom Allen - October 27, 2010

Yeah, look, about that “gateway kink” thing…

I came up with that expression as a way to reference that chastity/OD is essentially a very mild form of play that could be undertaken by very vanilla people who would not otherwise consider bondage, sensation play, etc. However, because it can contain overtones of D/s, it would be easy to use it as a jumping off point to explore other kinks.

The allusion was to the 1980s adage of pot (marijuana) being a “gateway drug,” meaning that those who use it may eventually try something stronger.

8. Celtic Queen - October 28, 2010

Kink is such a relative term though isn’t it? (Female) Chastity devices in the distant ages would never have been considered a kink at all. My view is that if you have a sufficiently broad outlook and good communication with your partner, you are going to be happy with other practices that are somewhat the other side of the “normal” “vanilla” spectrum. If you follow this line of thinking then chastity play is just another symptom of a healthy dialogue really. Some folks incorporate it into more extreme practices, others are just happy to resolve the age old sex drive disparity between men and women. And obviously, some folks are just plain kinky 🙂

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