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From the Mailbag: III October 10, 2010

Posted by Dev in Correspondence, Musings.
Tags: , , ,

Another keyholder and I have been corresponding about this and that and we got on the subject of our chaste lives (not terribly surprising!). She made this comment:

I think we’ll just play as long as it’s fun, which currently seems to be for a very long time in the future. I really enjoy his added attentiveness towards me. I also enjoy ‘sex’ being as long or as short as I choose. I no longer have that feeling like, “If I start something I’m going to need to see it to the bitter end (his orgasm).” Now, that’s not an issue unless I want to make it an issue. Of course, not feeling like that’s required EVERY time you reach for him makes it more fun when you do let him out and it’s YOUR idea to take it to his orgasm. That’s so freeing.

Similarly, over at the Chastity Forum, kelmag had this to say about his relationship with his wife:

Talking with my wife about it, she told me that the biggest benefit she felt from it is the total relief from all pressure for sex from me, and particularly relief from the uncertainty of when I will ask her for sex. Just to show how oblivious even a man in a long term marriage can be, I was totally unaware of just badly my asking for sex several times a week impacted her quality of life. I was clueless. Moreover, she told me that for the first time she now feels free to show me physical affection, stroke my chest or massage my back or whatever without fearing that it will escalate into sexual activity that she doesn’t want. Needless to say, she is no longer distant on the couch when we watch a movie together. She is now perfectly comfortable curled beside me giving and receiving gentle strokes and caresses. That’s a big improvement in the quality of life for both of us.

I so completely agree with both these statements, as this is exactly how I feel. It is incredibly liberating to be able to enjoy closeness and tenderness without the added pressure of wondering if it is going to escalate to “the whole thing.” Not that I always disliked the whole package of sex—I didn’t. But sometimes—many times, actually—that’s not what I was in the mood for. I also think that sex in the “old” days (pre-chastity) had gotten pretty predictable to the point that it was, on occasion, boring. We’ve certainly spiced things up in recent weeks and made our intimate lives together a whole lot more interesting.

I think back to this blog post from a couple of weeks ago: my friend’s husband wasn’t necessarily looking for sex. He might have just wanted a little cuddling and tenderness. But we women become programmed to believe that sex is like a story: it has to have a beginning, middle, and an end. If we don’t feel like reading the story, we reject it from the start and hence, lose that opportunity for intimacy. The emotions that result from the rejection: frustration, anger, dissatisfaction are certainly not those that breed closeness and further intimacy. It is also a dynamic that very quickly can become a vicious cycle and one that would seem hard to break.

But a little bit of plastic or metal can alter that dynamic by 180 degrees and do so in an amazingly short period of time.

I say that with the caveat that I know chastity is not for everyone and if a relationship is really on the rocks, chastity is not going to fix it. Still, it is more than a little bit of amazing to me that we have a whole community of folks who are discovering that chastity can be a very powerful intervention that has the potential to bring about real and lasting change very quickly. It’s a win-win intervention, too, since for many of the men it’s a fantasy come true and very erotic while their wives reap the benefits as elucidated above. Even Ab, who didn’t seem to have a chastity fantasy (or if he did, he hasn’t told me about it) is quite hooked on wearing his Jailbird. 😉

* * * * *

Speaking of, Ab was running from one room to the other yesterday and pulling on a nightshirt as he did so. We have a houseful of young people this weekend—as I mentioned, our daughter is home from college and when one or the other of our children are at home, their friends descend. Having all these kids around puts a damper on our naked wanderings, so that’s the reason that he was pulling on a nightshirt. I was here at “command central”—the kitchen table and my computer and caught a flash of the Jailbird on our cock before the shirt came down. Christ, that was hot! Too fast and quick to get a picture and certainly nothing that can be replicated. It’s just one of those images that will stay in my mind as a nice hot little memory. Thanks, honey. 🙂



1. keyhldr - October 10, 2010

YES, YES, YES!!!! I agree completely with what you have to say Dev! I agree with kelmag’s statement too – it is a big improvement in our quality of life. Taking that pressure off makes every aspect of our lives better. So much less stress! Even if you didn’t realize the stress was there, it was. I also heartily agree with what you had to say about women being programmed to believe that sex has to have a beginning/middle/end, and the rejection and the corresponding unhappy emotions. My hubby has even commented that now that the pressure is off to have sex, we’re having so much more of it. He thinks this is ironic – of course I think it makes perfect sense. 🙂
Congrats on the quick peek there – I can see how that would be VERY hot!! Treasure the memory! ;-D

devotedlvr - October 10, 2010

Very good thought, keyhldr…”Even if you didn’t realize the stress was there, it was.” So very true. Thanks for your comment.

And yes, I’ll enjoy that hot little memory on cold winter nights. 😉


2. Grey - October 10, 2010

Excellent post and well worth passing on… THANK YOU!

devotedlvr - October 10, 2010

My pleasure. Thanks for commenting!


3. femsup - October 11, 2010

There must be many men in a non chastity realtionship who intitiate sex not for the as you have put it end of the story but just for the beginnning and end.

I myself prefer the cuddling and kissing and fondling more than penetration.So that to not have the pressure of having to penetrate can be liberating.

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