jump to navigation

Vanilla Wives October 8, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: ,

I was reading a blog the other day and the guy introduced himself thus, “the would-be male sub married to a vanilla wife.” And here we go again with the vanilla wife.

Surfing the Internet, one might get the impression that 8 out of 10 women belong to the category of “vanilla wife.” That got me wondering: what exactly is a vanilla wife? Is there any uniformity in the definition? And is being vanilla necessarily bad? The word tends to be used in a pejorative way.

I really want to throw this out there for comments, but first a few thoughts. From what I have gleaned, the following seem to be a few characteristics of vanilla wives:

  • Frequency of sex: they don’t like to have sex all that often. Once a week, on Saturday night? Maybe twice a week?
  • Spontaneity: is also not something vanilla wives enjoy. I gather that they like sex to be scheduled and planned.
  • Position: traditional missionary with the woman on her back?
  • What sex is: vaginal intercourse.
  • What sex is not: anal intercourse (or any sort of ass play, I suspect).
  • Toys: I have no idea. Do vanilla wives have a toy box, of any sort?
  • Cunnilingus, fellatio: yes, no? You tell me

Am I over-simplifying? Does “vanilla” encompass more than just sexual practices and activities?

I also wonder, are some women less vanilla before they get married? Does marriage sort of dampen the fire? I was actually the complete opposite. I certainly had lots of boyfriends and fooled around quite a bit before I got married, but looking back, it was all pretty traditional. But once Ab and I tied the knot, I think I said to myself, “This is it. This is the man you’ll be with for the rest of your life. Let’s figure out how to make our sex life totally fabulous.” And we have.

I’ve read about young people, particularly girls, who desire to be “virgins” when they get married so they do everything possible sexually (including anal intercourse) except vaginal intercourse with the idea that this is keeping them “pure” before marriage. Besides being a pretty fucked up idea of what sex and virginity is, I have to wonder if these kinky kids become vanilla after uttering the words, “I do.” Or, once you’ve let the kinky genie out of the bottle, is there no stuffing it back in?

One last question, are there vanilla husbands?

Have at it, everyone. I look forward to your comments.


1. mikecb - October 8, 2010


In my case:

Frequency of sex: No thanks. We’re married now. I don’t like to do that any more. Maybe once or twice per year to show you I still love you.

Spontaneity: Has its time and its place, but never for sex.

Position: Missionary, and don’t make it take too long, OK?

What is sex: Vaginal intercourse, and don’t make me look “down there” either!

What sex is not: Fun or pleasurable.

Toys: Why would I get my stuffed animals all sticky? eww!

Cunnilingus, Fellatio: Eww! Don’t make me look at or touch those things!

My wife was MUCH more adventurous before we got married. I really think that she believed that sex was something you endure to land your man, and then do away with as quickly as possible thereafter.


devotedlvr - October 8, 2010

Well, mikecb, at least you are able to laugh and keep a sense of humor about it. And I know from other posts that your wife will indulge, or at least tolerate, some of your kinks, so I suppose that’s a plus.


mikecb - October 8, 2010

It’s true. My wife understands my kinky needs, even if she doesn’t wish to accommodate them herself. We’re going to a weekend-long play party in a few weeks. She’s “subbing me out” to a Domme friend of ours. I think the real issue in my case is that she simply has NO libido, and no interest in one.

2. kelmag - October 8, 2010

Hi Dev,

I am married to a vanilla wife, so here is my input:

Frequency of sex: once every 2-4 weeks is fine with her. Sex is not a part of her daily thinking unless I bring it up (which I have been much more lately since I started the chastity experiment.

Spontaneity: hates spontaneous sex; just won’t do it. Sex must be planned as to time and place; it has to fit her schedule.

Position: She prefers to vary positions, probably enjoys woman on top face to face most but will slip easily into different positions without complaint but never initiates the position.

What sex is: Vaginal intercourse. One of the biggest barriers I have tried to overcome in establishing a male chastity lifestyle is convincing her that there can be sexual play of all types without intercourse and orgasm (for me) – that she can orgasm without my cumming in that session. I still have to initiate (suggest) all tease of me and she doesn’t understand why in heavens I (or any man) would want denial. It’s still an uphill battle that I’m working to solve with game rules and routines that she seems to accept.

Toys: She has never bought one (or shopped for one as far as I know), but I introduce new ones all the time, usually vibrators. She fell in love (or lust) with the Accu-Vibe wand vibrator. It is her BFFL and has told me only half jokingly that I better always have one available (I bought a spare). She cannot orgasm without a vibrator. I’m usually just in the supporting role when she cums.

Cunnilingus, fellatio: yes and yes but not with much enthusiasm; it’s pretty far down her list of favored activities.

I think being a “vanilla wife” (or husband for that matter) is much more an attitude towards sex than a list of activities they will and won’t do. The attitude is one of viewing sex and sexual activity in a very narrow way with their first reaction to anything outside their particular norm as one of disgust, defensiveness and denial (that they could possibly enjoy something like that). Since they don’t feel any desire for sexual adventureness, they don’t understand the feelings of their partner who does and interprets those desires as dissatisfaction with them and a weird or peculiar twist in their psyche that could be dangerous to the relationship.

Anyway, that’s my take on it. Would be interested in the experiences and opinions of others. This is an interesting subject and one of particular relevance to those trying to establish a male chastity lifestyle with a vanilla partner. Thanks for raising it Dev.

3. devotedlvr - October 8, 2010

Very interesting comment, kelmag, thanks! Your penultimate paragraph certainly has some good food for thought. I appreciate your thoughts and this will give me something to think about.

I may need to check out the Accu-Vibe. We have a Hitachi Magic Wand and a Wahl and both are great. As I’ve said before, I do like my vibrators but my experiences in recent weeks are showing me that I am learning how to come without them, and that makes me very happy.

Another question I should have asked: porn (or erotica) for vanilla wives? Yes or no? If yes, what kind? Pictures, videos, written stuff or a combination?


4. Michael_X - October 8, 2010

What is vanilla?

Let’s remember there are a lot of vanilla guys out there too.

In the BDSM world vanilla is often used as a term for those who are not into BDSM and, sadly, often with an implied or explicit claim as to the superiority of BDSM folks. The sad human tendency to seek to have a “them” to look down on in order to make “us” feel smug. Not surprisingly quite a few BDSM folk dislike the use of the term intensely as a consequence.

Sadly what I have seen over the decades is that when someone discovers their kinky side then that vanilla wife or, equally often, husband stands a good chance of becoming an ex-wife/husband. So maybe vanilla is a phase people go through prior to death/divorce.

If Tom is on the edge of Vanilla then I fear I am so far over the edge that even squinting back at it I can’t make out much detail of Vanilla Land. So I’m no authority.

Taking another blog as an example, who wouldn’t live life like Grimly and his wife (or some alternate kinky variant) if they had the time and resources – http://thisgirl.wordpress.com/ ? Those who wouldn’t are quite clearly, from my perspective, vanilla.

I hope that explains what vanilla is. YMMV.


devotedlvr - October 8, 2010

“Time and resources” being the operative words…LOL.

Thanks for the link, Michael. Interesting blog and interesting pictures. While it may not be my kink, I can certainly see the hotness factor. The other thing I like is that those pictures look pretty damn real. I suspect they are living the life, not just dreaming and fantasizing about it.


5. Shane - October 8, 2010


You forgot the “most ubiquitous and sorry” part. 🙂 I’m tickled you’ve linked to my modest (and fledgling) blog.

I’m definitely using “vanilla wife” here as a FemDom meme — especially in conjunction with the “would-be male sub” bit. I don’t find the label to be pejorative at all.

I agree with kelmag that being a “vanilla wife” is more about an attitude about sex than a list of activities. However, I don’t think it has anything to do with disgust, defensiveness and denial when it comes to any particular sexual activity. Your wife could be accepting of your chastity kink, and even be your keyholder, but she could also still be a “vanilla wife.”

I think the difference between vanilla and kinky has to do with communication. Kinky people like to talk about their kink, to ponder its minutiae, to evaluate their encounters, and plan for the next one. And we especially like to do this with our partner. Vanilla wives might enjoy sex, even kinky sex (and how could pleasuring your wife orally while locked up be anything but kinky?), but when it’s done, it’s done, they don’t immerse themselves in it, and they certainly don’t blog about it.

It’s like the difference between foodies and non-foodies. For a foodie, a meal isn’t just food, it’s something worthy of time, energy, and research. It’s worthy of focus.

And their are vanilla husbands — on FetLife you can find a lot of kinky women with vanilla SO.

6. devotedlvr - October 8, 2010

Kinky people like to talk about their kink, to ponder its minutiae, to evaluate their encounters, and plan for the next one.

Interesting comment and perspective. Yes, Ab and I have been blabbing a lot about chastity so this is true about us. And yes, I do have enough to blog about—and I eagerly await comments so I can chat some more with like-minded folks.

This was one of my major objections about Lucy Fairbourne’s “Keyholder” book. She basically said the keyholder must put her foot down and stop all conversations about chastity. It just is and is not something to be discussed. Huh? Where’s the fun in that? LOL.

And, PS, happy to include a link to your blog.


7. Jimi123 - October 13, 2010

* Frequency of sex: they don’t like to have sex all that often. Once a week, on Saturday night? Maybe twice a week?

Exactly right. More to the once a week or less.

* Spontaneity: is also not something vanilla wives enjoy. I gather that they like sex to be scheduled and planned.

Yes. Again, exactly right….

* Position: traditional missionary with the woman on her back?

Humm… Maybe not but this is more “what do you want me to do?” and then its “what do you want to do?” and it gets soooo old…

* What sex is: vaginal intercourse.

It gravitates to this more and more. *But with a vibe! Female orgasm without it is near zero…

* What sex is not: anal intercourse (or any sort of ass play, I suspect).

I can count on one hand any sort of female anal ahh… the ahh other ahh… Well I need both hands…

* Toys: I have no idea. Do vanilla wives have a toy box, of any sort?

Yes, but as someone else mentioned she is not a buyer. Just a user.

* Cunnilingus, fellatio: yes, no? You tell me

Cunnilingus to orgasm but thats been hot and cold how often. Fellation very rarely and almost never to orgasm.

8. PortSide - October 14, 2010

Vanilla wife:
1) If the house is clean, the kids are away, the dog is not barking, the garden is weed free, it’s not too hot or too cold, then there exists the possibility that we might do something intimate. Something intimate could be kissing and cuddling, or it could be actual sex. The average on actual sex is about 5 times a year.

2) She knows I’m willing to experiment with very mild variations like a scarf for a blindfold, or a gentle swat on the ass for emphasis, but she pretends I’ve never admitted these things.

3) No, we don’t talk about it.

4) Yes, once upon a time we did set the sheets on fire. I’m still trying to figure out what happened.

5) I love her desperately and want no other. Reading about sex and looking at the pictures is the extent of my infidelity.

6) Who needs a chastity device? I’m already there without one…

devotedlvr - October 14, 2010

Welcome, PortSide, and thanks for your comment.

You say you’re chaste without a device and maybe you are, but the fact that you found this site suggests to me you are looking for something else, ie, putting the romance back in your sex life? There are lots of suggestions here and at the Forum about doing that. Maybe you don’t need a device but that might be something to consider. Anyway, poke around, ask questions. We’re a friendly and welcoming bunch and like to welcome newcomers into the fold.


PortSide - October 15, 2010

Hi Dev, In hindsight, my comment does not really reflect a definition of vanilla. It reflects my very raw frustration and was more me thoughtlessly blowing off some steam. I’m sorry if I annoyed any of your readership with my input.

Thank you for the curiously worded welcome. I found this site by wandering the blogosphere like some sort of Information Age Flying Dutchman. I can’t remember who, but you were complimented on your writing by some other author and so I stopped by. Since you asked, no, I have pretty much stopped looking for something to put the romance back. Oh, I have those occasional moments of sudden hope, the thought of ‘maybe this is it!’ Mostly I chase my own thoughts around inside my head and wait for the inevitable. But, I’ve learned a lot from my various reading and virtual travels.
Until we cross paths again.

9. devotedlvr - October 15, 2010

“Curiously worded”? Well, okay, if that’s what you think. I was just trying to be welcoming in a non-judgmental, open and friendly way. I didn’t want to hit you over the head with, “You’ve got to try chastity! It will fix your life and all your problems!” (because it won’t) but on the other hand, the fact that you are here and you arrived here because of another site that complimented my writing–which would be something related to chastity because those are the folks who are talking about this blog–suggests to me that you are looking for something.

Anyway, I don’t think you annoyed anyone with your comment—certainly not me—and you are more than welcome to hang around and post. And maybe you will decide that romance is important but no one can force that.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: