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From the Mailbag: II September 15, 2010

Posted by Dev in Correspondence, Musings.
Tags: , , , , ,

I received two interesting emails yesterday, both commenting on my posts from the past few days regarding Ab, our argument, and the wrinkles we are working on ironing out.

Both emailers said that the whole “cleaning the CB” issue was a diversion. One said that it was “bogus” and the other said it was a “red herring.” Either way, they both noted that Ab seems to using this as a way to have the key or know where the key was/is, ie, he is not completely giving up control. Maybe I made a tactical error in not pushing him harder to figure out how to clean the CB while he is wearing it. On the other hand, I have read posts from other men who say they remove it daily for cleaning so I don’t think I was completely off the mark. However, maybe the problem was that I let him have responsibility versus unlocking him to clean—but as I have mentioned before, our work schedules wouldn’t make that completely feasible. So whether or not I goofed, I don’t know but right now, I am going to let this one go. The Jailbird is on order and when that arrives, I’ll reestablish the rules of the game: no access to the key, taking it off only when I say. Since the Jailbird is metal and more open, he won’t be able to argue the cleaning angle with me.

Another comment one of my correspondents made is that Ab might be trying to “top from the bottom,” that is, he is trying to keep control. He says he wants to submit, he says he wants to be in charge but he seems to keep figuring out little ways to maneuver around this. The latest—and this was a little bit alarming—is that he says he is not sure he’s going to wear the CB at work during the day. “It doesn’t feel comfortable in my jeans,” he said. “When I was wearing shorts, it was fine but now that the weather has gotten cooler…” I must have given him a look because he added, “I suppose I could get baggier jeans. Or maybe start wearing sweat pants.” I am not quite sure about that latter comment. Sweat pants?

Anyway, I decided to not push on this, either at this moment because again—I sort of feel like the CB ship has sailed. If I didn’t have a Jailbird on order I might take a different approach. But, the Jailbird should be here in 10-18 days. My plan is to reestablish the game and the rules at that time. Knowing what I know now and having learned where Ab is going to push back, I know where I need to be stricter. No access to the key, no taking off without my express consent (and perhaps, only under my supervision). The specific things he has been complaining about: cleaning and size under jeans should no longer be an issue with the Jailbird. If he tries to make them an issue, I need to be firm and say, “Figure it out.” That may be a little hard for me (because I don’t want him to just throw up his hands and say, “I’m not playing anymore”). But I should stop worrying about that fear—I think that’s what’s holding me back from asserting the control that I need to have.

We’ll get there.



1. kelmag - September 15, 2010

I know this sounds obvious but for this work in your situation where the male is not the one initiating the chastity, he has to really want to wear the device which means you have to make the entire experience work for him. This means lots, I mean LOTS of attention, both sexual and non-sexual. There should be daily teasing with the device on. Do a strip tease for him; give him a lap dance, whatever gets him percolating, do it. Work your tease into his fantasy scenarios. When it is time for him to orgasm, make it an event – maybe a lengthy tease and denial, edging him over and over again before he blows; maybe mix in a little light bondage if that excites him. The idea is to keep him in a permanent state of arousal and excitement with final orgasms that are so different in intensity than previous ones that he will want to play the game. All of those little “problems” like discomfort in jeans or cleanliness issues will go away because he will be motivated to solve them. Actually, men are fairly simple creatures. We will scale the Alps to get quality sexual attention. You just need to be creative and persisitent to motivate him.

devotedlvr - September 15, 2010

Kelmag, you are absolutely right.

We’ve been trading sexy emails all morning. It started with me asking if he was locked up (at work) and progressed a bit. Anyway, Ab has a few garments he likes to wear—I think of them as his fetish clothes (they make him horny)—and in one of his emails he commented he might want to put these on this evening. I wrote back and said you need to ask permission and here are the conditions: 1) locked in CB all day at work and 2) not taking it off to shower (I suggested he squirt some bodywash in there and swish it around). Then I said, do you accept these conditions? I received back a very simple: I do. LOL. So, right there was a motivation and it worked!


2. Tom Allen - September 15, 2010

Both emailers said that the whole “cleaning the CB” issue was a diversion


Look, some men report that with the urine drips and sweat, they get a noxious odor from the cage. I understand this; my job is part office, part physical, I exercise 9at home) and in the warm weather I’m working in the yard, biking, hiking, etc. It took a while to figure out how to keep things clean. That’s why I wrote up some tips for you the other day. Opening the end hole a bit to assist with aim also helps.

This is really an interesting situation to watch, because generally the guys (who are driving the play) are only too happy to figure out a way to make it work. You’re going to need to walk a thin line between strict and fair.

devotedlvr - September 15, 2010

You are right, Tom, and I am working on finding where that fine line is. I did have an “eureka!” moment when he mentioned putting on certain garments (see message above). I told him he needed to ask permission and these were the conditions. He agreed to that quite readily. So maybe what I need to do is make it bigger picture: it’s not just about his cock, it’s about the other things he likes to do in the realm of kinky sex fun and if he wants to do those things he needs to be compliant with the chastity game.


3. mikecb - September 15, 2010

Dev, ya, the thought that was crossing my mind as I read your post was GGG – Good, Giving and Game. He’s being “GGG” by indulging your Chastity interests. Perhaps not as aggressively as you would like, but he’s kept an open mind. The thought in my mind is that you have to be GGG in return, and try to find things that motivate him. The clothing thing is a perfect example. Ab appears not be into FemDom or D/s. You may not be able to motivate him to simply give up control, at least without a good period of building trust. Though it may seem like forever, I think things are going at a good pace for you. I think the MM device is a good place to draw the line on cleaning, but I think you also need to have the straight up conversation “I want you to wear it 24/7 without access to the keys. Is there something >I< can do that will motivate you, and make you feel comfortable with that arrangement?" Turn the question around and ask his help to solve it, rather than just pushing for control. You might be surprised by what pops out of the compromise!


4. devotedlvr - September 15, 2010

Mike, this is a great comment and great suggestion. Thanks! I realized that certain items of clothing are fetish-y for him and I think I can take that and expand it a bit. So that can be fun for us. Also, it hit me that he likes to read porn so all I need to do is find him some good chastity porn to read and use that to get him hot and bothered. This can be easy…and fun!

Is there something >I< can do that will motivate you, and make you feel comfortable with that arrangement?" Turn the question around and ask his help to solve it, rather than just pushing for control. You might be surprised by what pops out of the compromise!

Absolutely…this is such a fabulous suggestion. You can be sure this is going on my “how to handle the conversation” list. I know we’ve had the conversation already (sort of) but clearly I will be revisiting it in a week or so when the Jailbird arrives.

This is all lots of fun…it really is. Thanks for all the great ideas!


5. Tutor - September 16, 2010

This is kinda late for your plans tonight, but I have to back Ab up on this.
If he feels he needs to take the device off to clean and/or inspect, especially at this early stage of using the device then within limits he should be able to… if thats daily for showers then let it be so. I’ve been doing the same thing, I think I’ve taken either one or two showers with it on, the rest without the device. With the knowledge of the Jailbird coming in and the probable reality that 24/7 is looming, he’ll more than likely want to get a little fresh air before getting caged up for a long time.

devotedlvr - September 16, 2010

Hi Tutor, thanks for your comment. Your point is well taken. Because he has been getting used to the device, that’s why I have been lenient about taking it off and having access to the key. However, over the past few days, I felt that he was doing more with pushing the boundaries and trying to figure out what he could get away with—and that’s why I needed to push back a little. Having the promise of being able to wear his sexy clothes worked very well—he did find a squirt bottle and used it to get good and clean without unlocking. Afterwards, he got his reward. It turned out to be a good solution for both of us.

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