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Into Every Life Some Stress Must Fall… September 13, 2010

Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: , , , , , ,

…which is a polite euphemism for “Ab and I had an argument.”

I figure I’ve been bragging so much about our good communication, I better ‘fess up and be honest when we hit a rough patch.

Our daughter was home from college for the weekend and it was great to see her but it wasn’t particularly relaxing. We had seven people for dinner on Saturday night and on top of that, we had to run around and do various errands with her. Plus, driving to pick her up on Friday and take her back yesterday meant many hours in the car. So, by dinner on Sunday evening, we were both a little tired and on edge. Also, we have another very busy and stressful week coming up. My mother fell and broke her hip 3.5 weeks ago so we are still dealing with the aftermath of that event, which includes lots of going here and there, taking her to appointments, and so on. Ab and I are truly living “the sandwich generation” experience so it is not surprising that we started snapping at each other.

Ab was annoyed because I had put the spare key away for the weekend, as I said I would. He didn’t remember that, though, and with the kids around, didn’t bring it up. But once everyone was gone, he made it clear he didn’t like wearing the grimy and grubby CB. He wants to take it off for cleaning, end of story, and thinks he should have access to the key. That caused some friction.

For the evening (and through the night) he put the Birdcage on (or as he calls it, ‘Big Ben’), I guess to make the point that it was cleaner. Fine. I told him that all of this wouldn’t be an issue, soon, since I had ordered him a Mature Metal device which would have the advantage of fitting properly and being easier to keep clean. He hit the roof because he thinks I am spending too much money on all of this—he told me to cancel the order. But I am not going to because I do think that fit and cleaning are his/our two big problems right now and I want to take care of that.

Then Ab suggested that maybe we should both be experiencing orgasm denial. Locked up for him, no vibrator for me. This is the ‘tit for tat’ type of arguing that he does and I just got even more annoyed. “What would be the point of that?” I asked. “Well, you could see what I am going through,” he replied. I pointed out that the game was not supposed to be “lock him and leave him.” He countered with, “I am not saying anything about leaving. We could still hug and cuddle—just no orgasms for either of us.”

Maybe this is his frustration at being denied starting to come through?

We didn’t come up with any resolution and just sort of dropped the subject.

This morning, he asked me to unlock Big Ben because it is too big to wear under his jeans. I agreed and pulled out the key. He gets up and leaves before me so I don’t know if he put the CB on or not. However, I noticed that the lock is not next to Big Ben anymore so I suspect that he did. To be fair and live up to my end of the bargain, I put the extra key back in its usual “accessible to Ab during the week” place so it will be there when he gets home (if he needs it). This is Monday, my late night so I won’t be home until long after he has had his evening shower, and if he wants to take it off—well, that is the deal we agreed to. I need to be fair.

I am just looking at this as a little blip. We’ll be back on track in no time, I am sure.


1. mikecb - September 13, 2010

Sorry to hear about the bumps in the road. Just goes to show you that boys can be hormonal too! lol.

Regarding spending too much money… when you consider what people pay for campers, boats, snowmobiles, motorcycles, and the like, what’s a couple hundred bucks for a sex toy that adds a big spark?!? Nothing, I say.

Regarding “fairness”, he does have a point. Chastity play ultimately won’t work if both partners aren’t invested in it. However, from the Good, Giving and Game department, this is a kink you have that you’re asking his help to indulge. Hopefully, it can become a kink he enjoys too. 🙂


2. devotedlvr - September 13, 2010

Thanks, Mike, and thanks for the reassurance that boys can be hormonal. LOL. And he needs his naps on the weekend (I do too) and neither of us got our nap yesterday, due to driving my daughter back to college, so no wonder we were snippy.

As for expensive hobbies—you are absolutely right. So far I have spent a grand total of $620. I just googled “golf clubs” and a person can spend $900 on one freaking club…and that’s on sale! We live in the northeast and have friends who spend a fortune on skiing (in the winter) and sailing (in the summer). So I really shouldn’t feel guilty about getting him a good fitting, easy-to-clean device that I think will add to the enjoyment of the game for both of us.

You are right—being the “Iniatrix” makes the dynamic different for us—different from what I read on other blogs and in Sarah’s book. So I need to be cognizant of that and adjust my expectations accordingly.

Update for everyone: I texted him an apology and he texted back some XXX’s and OOO’s, so I think we’ve made up. 🙂 I really hate arguing.


3. Tom Allen - September 13, 2010

Dev, don’t forget the “what’s in it for me/you” rule. Yes, you can take the initiative all you want, but if Ab isn’t on 100% board, then you need to give him some motivation. Sure, *you* think the idea is hawt, but seriously, what’s in it for Ab?

devotedlvr - September 13, 2010

Good point, Tom. I’ve been thinking about this for a few hours since you posted. What’s in it for Ab? One, I think he thinks it is hot, too (although maybe some of the newness is wearing off); two, I think he gets to indulge his submissive side a bit (although I am starting to wonder if he’s not as submissive as he thinks/wishes he is); and three–most important–I’d really like him to have one or two or three of those honking big orgasms that you read about. He hasn’t had a truly whoop-de-do orgasm in a while, for a variety of reasons: long refractory period (24 hrs) and when he’d masturbate, he’d be sort of off his cycle with me and also, getting a little too used to his hand. So I am hoping that a break may help to address this issue and when he does get his big night out he really finds out “what’s in it for Ab.” That’s the plan, at least.


4. kelmag - September 13, 2010

Most in the lifestyle advocate writing up a “contract” which describes how your chastity lifestyle is going to work. I don’t think something that formal is alwways necessary, but it would help to sit down when you are both in a good (and playful) mood and talk about your respective expectations from the game and how each of you want it to work. From that, you should be able to produce an agreement on how it should all work for you. This doesn’t have to be a final, “engraved in stone” kind of thing. In fact, you might want to write in a mechanism for how changes to the routine will be made. Obviously, Ab has a thing about cleanliness, which I fully understand because I’m the same way. You must find a way to satisfy that concern. The new device might do it – then again, it might not. Check in with him from time to time to see how he’s doing with the cleanliness issue. Regarding “fairness,” what that is all about is him not feeling like he is getting enough attention, enough tease and denial and general tlc. As for orgasm “fairness,” you might have him read my post at http://www.secretchastityhusband.blogspot.com entitled “Male Chastity – Pleasure and Devotion, the Science Behind It.” It will explain why controlling the frequency of his orgasms should be the focus of the game, not yours. The pleasure of your orgasms are not only good for you, but beneficial to him with respect to raising his dopamine and oxytocin levels (see the post).

devotedlvr - September 13, 2010


Great suggestions, thank you! I did read your science post a few weeks ago and you are right, you have some great stuff in there. I will definitely pass it on to Ab and maybe that will help to get us back on a good path. I don’t think we’re really off the path — like I said, last night I think we were both a little tired and edgy and the sniping came out. But even so, more info is good to help him understand what we’re up to and as Tom said, “What’s in it for Ab.”



5. atone - September 13, 2010

Dev, Sorry to hear things got a little rough. It happens, especially when each others expectations don’t exactly line up. Add to that some stress and next thing you know you are going down that slippery slope. It sounds like you have actually handled it pretty well.

Just remember, none of this is written in stone. If things need to change then change them. If the scheduled ‘release’ date needs to change, that is ok too Don’t look at that as a failure. It is just an opportunity to work up to that again. Sometimes we get ourselves so worked up to what we want to see that it is hard to do anything else. Putting it all out here on this blog can complicate things as well. I will speak for myself but I suspect others feel the same way, we want you to do what is right for your relationship and your situation. If you end up starting the clock over because Ab needs a little release then that is just another learning experience for us all. If you put the whole idea on the back burner for a little while that is great too. I look forward to following whatever you do as long as it is mutually satisfying for you and Ab.

One of the reasons Saturday was rough for me was that my wife and I were supposed to spend some time that afternoon / evening discussing how things are going with our ‘chastity’ game. That got totally blown out of the water, or as I like to say overcome by events. This was important to me because I wanted to make sure that we were both on the same page and we both shared how we felt about it. We did end up having a great conversation on Sunday afternoon. It was nice (and reassuring) to kind of ‘realign’ our expectations.

If there is anything I can do to help please let me know. In a very short period of time I have grown to care deeply for you and all the others that I have spent time conversing with. It truly saddens me when I hear of difficulties that someone is having. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


devotedlvr - September 13, 2010

Thanks, A, that’s a really wonderful post. I appreciate your kind words and thoughts, and prayers, too.

Part of me thinks that maybe I did jump the gun a little with a blog but on the other hand, the real-time exploration was important to me. I needed to be able to record my thoughts and feelings. So…I will keep at this but I will also be very mindful of where my/our priorities are.

It’s my late night at work and I am just wrapping up. I am curious to see what Ab has to say when I get home and what sort of mood he is in. Good, I hope!

More later for all my friends here…thanks for your support.


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